This day is cold, wet, and dreary but this day gives me hope. I have kept myself locked inside for a good while now because of all of the extraneous circumstances. My door is open and the music is playing and it might be hard but I'm here and I'm not scared of them. I'm not afraid of what they think or say....because I know it was all it my head. It was all MY HEAD...I still feel it lurking around inside but it's not stopping me from trying. The fear wasn't here when they arrived either. It's a strange feeling...which is STRANGE because it never should have been to begin with. Being alone with myself outloud and around other people really makes it better. I feel myself slowly rising from the ashes. Slowly, surely. It will be a long time before I will be able to rise for someone other than myself. Expectations will cause me to hide and run for awhile because I know they aren't good for me at this juncture. I know I CANNOT be good in a romantic relationship for a GOOD while. So...what do I do with what I have now? This, I know, is where i need real outside help. Because I don't know how to stop the loop that cycles between words and actions. I should be my words...my actions should be what I say, what I know to be the right thing. Yet they still are not. So that's what I need. Help, advice from an expert. Someone that will guide me in what to do to STOP myself from doing what I know I shouldn't (no...not sex, not at all...not exactly)....After that is done...after I grow from here and figure THAT out; I will then need to know how to be OK with letting someone take care of me when I need to be taken care of (without freaking out) I will need to train myself to be healthy enough to be an equal. It is so hard for people who haven't experienced what I have to understand (except professionals). and my fear is that I will be though of in the same way as I thought of another in the past. That I can handle it...if we're together I can be a rock all the time and handle ALL of it. Not true. It's abuse...it's not right. KNOW...and be selfless. KNOW that I cannot be what you want me to be for a good while. I hope not forever. I make NO promises.
