There are little square beds on stage.

I figured out that basically all we are trying to do is appear normal to the rest of the world.  I'm spinning.  My mind gets off the tracks more than it stays on them.  I thought I was getting used to it then I catch myself staring off.  I lose time.  I come back and forgot everything I was thinking or what I was about to do.  This is bad for productivity.  I need to escape myself because it's fucking CRAZY in here.  I need to reach out and help someone else but I am fearful that I will totally fuck them up too.  I pray and pray and then I start dreaming and then I hear a noise and then I get a cramp or I twitch.  If I keep going my mind will stop.  If I keep up appearances people might stick around.  I could talk about all of it for hours but then others get burnt out.  Then I could sleep.  But they stay tired.

I just called to tell you goodbye since I didn't get to. That's all I wanted to do.

Flailing

I spent most of my life being someone's other.  Other half.  Other option.  Other-significant.  I would make their opinions, tastes, ideas, thoughts, and experiences my own.  I knew what they knew and liked what they liked.  Sometimes it went the other way.  It just depended on who loved more than the other.  Every relationship was a meshing of two beings into one.  An immediate integration of two lives.  Without thought.  Total codependence.  There has been no independence in my life.  Until now.  I am 31 years old and am learning how to be on my own for the first time.  It is astounding how little I knew about myself when it comes to my beliefs and opinions.  I didn't even know how I FELT about certain things.  Like God.  Politics.  Principles.  Even sports.  I liked what he liked.  Whichever he that may be.  Never what she liked, though.  She was beneath me (in my mind).  I find myself flailing at times.  When I feel lonely or bored or confused about what move I should make next.  Grasping at gnats.  I get stuck.  I fear my own happiness and that doesn't make sense.  Because I WANT to be happy.  I just don't believe it.  I don't believe happy is real enough to stick around.  So I flail and that's when I find my mind grinding out sabotage.  The thing I need to be aware of now is to not act on those thoughts.  I want to be hyper-aware of what I say and do before I do or say them.  I need a spiritual connection to heal my soul sickness.  Our minds are all twisted, right?  Just in different ways.  So that's why we help each other.  Because I can tell you if you're thinking crazy and you can do the same for me.  I always wanted to be better I just never knew how before.  I don't want my instinct to be to warn people against me.  I want it to be only to help others.