So Lallapalooza kicked ass.
so so so many good shows. very addictive. concerts i mean. i love music so much...NIN in Cleveland on Oct. 9; kick ASS. I'm pumped. I really need a computer and internet of my own because I hate having to be limited on time.
I'm really melancholy right now. Work is okay. So much shit just falls apart in the rest of my life though. That, or things you want, good things; that you HAVE even. (okay that I have) I don't have entirely because there are elements that get in the way.
I feel like my path in life has been totally shaken and I have to find a trail under the rubble. I'm working on it. I'm procrastinating though. and my memory is so bad lately. jez is like my mother when it comes to knowing when I work and things I need to get done. She has to tell me things i forget all the time. Makes me feel a little crippled but I'm really going to try harder at it. I think it's because; with all the crap and stress and negativity and problems that happened all at once (like usual, worse than ever before though so this time I couldn't shut everyone out and try dealing alone) I needed to be taken care of and safe so other aspects of my life that I am responsible for became less independent and more crutching onto stronger people. If that makes sense. Anyway I pretty much ended up surrendering and admitting I needed some support and love; which, i figured out, i never do. or haven't for years. Complications. Issues. anyway.
I'm going to try putting some pics on here now from my camera phone.
7.29.2005
7.11.2005
I like posting my horoscope when it hits right on like this:
Being critical of yourself won't get you anywhere. You know that, but
that doesn't mean you won't do it, especially if you're feeling guilty
about something. Before you really get going, think about your good
qualities.
I'm ready for some peace and quiet and uneventfulness and some good things and no more shit. overlapping things to deal with starts to age on me...i have aged 5 years this week and it shows but I'm really lucky when it comes to my coping skills and I'm lucky people care enough to be there when I need them the most. I thank God for you. Each of you willing to drop everything and hold my hand and wipe my tears and forget my faults and petty shit. I love you. Those aren't just words to me and my throat will stop them from escaping my lips if it isn't true. 'I LOVE YOU' is sacred and when I say it I feel it to the core and the meaning of love is there; completely...so don't question those words...you can question anything else not followed with action but when I say i love you; i believe i show it at the same time...even if I'm only speaking, only typing, only texting, signing, singing...those words are profound when they come from me. They mean what they mean...and love is the most simple thing to know, it's not complicated with explanations or different components, it's just simple, pure, flawless, yet it's the most important thing about humanity and the only true thing that makes life worth living...it's the little taste of heaven we get here on earth, that lets us know there's more...gives us that spark inside hinting...regardless of all of lifes trials...that that little taste could be the only thing we feel after this, that is all there is, everywhere, all the time...pure joy forever...imagination ages from true possibility to just HOPE as we go from innocence to adulthood. But because it is inherent; I know holding on to imagination, love, possibility, joy...and every other heavenly parts of the human soul; makes life better, easier to live, and closer to real happiness in the end.
This wasn't meant to be a rant about love...but...I can't help myself sometimes. I cannot believe how strong of a person I didn't realize I was. It makes me only want to be stronger. I was blessed with the gift of quick recovery without lack of understanding lessons learned.
Everything is not okay and i'm not full of joy or anything right now...but I know, I understand...so it makes me more hopeful that I will be okay soon and the years I aged this week will fall back off a bit.
you fall down
YOU GET UP.
Being critical of yourself won't get you anywhere. You know that, but
that doesn't mean you won't do it, especially if you're feeling guilty
about something. Before you really get going, think about your good
qualities.
I'm ready for some peace and quiet and uneventfulness and some good things and no more shit. overlapping things to deal with starts to age on me...i have aged 5 years this week and it shows but I'm really lucky when it comes to my coping skills and I'm lucky people care enough to be there when I need them the most. I thank God for you. Each of you willing to drop everything and hold my hand and wipe my tears and forget my faults and petty shit. I love you. Those aren't just words to me and my throat will stop them from escaping my lips if it isn't true. 'I LOVE YOU' is sacred and when I say it I feel it to the core and the meaning of love is there; completely...so don't question those words...you can question anything else not followed with action but when I say i love you; i believe i show it at the same time...even if I'm only speaking, only typing, only texting, signing, singing...those words are profound when they come from me. They mean what they mean...and love is the most simple thing to know, it's not complicated with explanations or different components, it's just simple, pure, flawless, yet it's the most important thing about humanity and the only true thing that makes life worth living...it's the little taste of heaven we get here on earth, that lets us know there's more...gives us that spark inside hinting...regardless of all of lifes trials...that that little taste could be the only thing we feel after this, that is all there is, everywhere, all the time...pure joy forever...imagination ages from true possibility to just HOPE as we go from innocence to adulthood. But because it is inherent; I know holding on to imagination, love, possibility, joy...and every other heavenly parts of the human soul; makes life better, easier to live, and closer to real happiness in the end.
This wasn't meant to be a rant about love...but...I can't help myself sometimes. I cannot believe how strong of a person I didn't realize I was. It makes me only want to be stronger. I was blessed with the gift of quick recovery without lack of understanding lessons learned.
Everything is not okay and i'm not full of joy or anything right now...but I know, I understand...so it makes me more hopeful that I will be okay soon and the years I aged this week will fall back off a bit.
you fall down
YOU GET UP.
7.10.2005
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