I just want to say that the damn pop-up blocker wouldn't allow me to check the spelling of what I just posted (my continuing little story I'm writing) so don't make fun of all the spelling errors please, cuz that's not very nice.

A few years past and Madeline had been place to place, growing and accomplishing not slightly less than miracles. Joining lives, nursing grief. Sharing a body with someone was the only time she would feel and understand the makeup of the person wholly; each part of who they are. Madeline cherished this as her greatest joy on earth due to her love of mankind. She believed it the best way to help at times, at times the only way. As a little boy she felt the love from his father as he stared into his son's eyes and smiled. As an old woman, the heartache from her husband as he held her arm and watched her final rest. As a college man, fear of rejection and failure and life. She was with them sharing it all, unbeknownst to them, she was making it better.
There WERE rules. Madeline never crossed boundaries and never stayed passed her time of guidance. It was clear where her place was while she wathced them and clear was her place inside them as well. The memories were theirs'. The experiences theirs'. And the warmth she brought and gave to them they kept as theirs' likewise. She served as light, hope, heart, and clearly saw the difference of herself to them.
Undefeated and emaculate; Madeline shown no more signs of age but her beauty grew as her would be endless journey perdured.
Only a few short years. A blink. There, Madeline noticed below in this midsized city, a familiar glow. She coasted closer, a flouresent green unbrella, clearly oversized, wove it's way through cars, people and wind. It was covering a woolen coat, which was covering a girl. It was a cold Indian Summer. As the unbrella lowered, automatic doors slowly opened from a large shipping factory. The face buried in the coat was uncovered and there she was. Older, a bit of makeup, long light blonde, dressed clearly to impress. Her attire and expression proclaimed determination and capability. If Madeline had been an old schoolmate she would never have recognized Ivory from an auslander. To Madeline, the girl was undeniably quite the same. She saw no difference, no surprise of maturity or change.
Ivory was more experienced, more knowledgeable. She shook hands with an apparent secretary of the establishment.. Ivory had a folder and pen in hand. A job interview. Madeline felt excitement to have come upon the girl at such an anxious moment. There must be more this girl needs. Madeline could not ask to help a more worthy heart again. She had often recalled Ivory and the startling intensity she had felt to understand the girl's world within the world. There were always those whom etched slightly deeper than others in Madeline's memories.
Madeline floated about the interviewer, hovered in circles around them both. "This girl is perfect. She gets the job. This job is just right for this girl" breathed Madeline in her booming whisper. She danced around them, smiling, giggling. The chimes on the edge of the woman's cabinets slightly sang to Madeline's movements. Madeline listened as well, and learned plenty just from the conversation. Ivory's achievements, goals, and even her current home. Madeline sensed a hint of denial in Ivory's voice. A season of lies, a cloud of disbelief, and the haunting return to lack of rest. Ivory had been praying daily and attending church for a couple of years now, all on her own. Meeting people, gaining love and trust within her family. HIRED, she got the job. They shook hands. Ivory left and walked to a car. It was no longer raining and someone was picking her up. Madeline entered the backseat, unnoticed.
The man picking up Ivory was large and bearded. To the passing eye he would have appeared as grough and uninviting. Madeline saw the softness in his eyes. Caring, inquisitive, aimless, lethargic. Ivory and the young man chatted of Ivory's victory. The girl's voice was more relieved than excited. Glad that's over with. The couple stopped at a small diner for burgers. Madeline observed their interaction with one another. The man chatted of his work, college classes, family, leisure activities he was currently enjoying with friends. Ivory's face showed interest as she listened. Very deceptive. For her mind was glazed with many other things than what this boy had to say. Sprinkled with nods and thoughts of why does he talk about these things that mean so little? The pointless rambling passed through her ears like wind. The love they shared was that of devotion on his end and complacents and covienience on hers. Madeline focused intently on Ivory's eyes. Still missing pieces. Confusion. After encountering faith she still had yet to find her own heart. Mistakes. More illusions of what's and why's, yet outwardly viewed as proud and on a clear path to her goals.
Madeline's focus shifted to memories of Ivory and her present companion. William. They met before Ivory had even graduated yet he'd been done with school for a few years already. Becoming friends through mutual friends. Moving away from the farm town simultaneously and reaqaunted in this city. She felt directionless as much as he showed it. In her darkest, lonliest times he alone brought her safety and comfort. All else was chaos for many months. He loved her romantically above all others; yet he found it hard to show; affection being something he was never wise to. She knew his love though, without words she understood. Through their relationship she learned unexpression and passiveness. They had begun a small life together in a poor neighborhood, in a small two bedroom apartment. For months they worked all hours to make ends meet and afford simply survival. She lacked passion for him yet depended on his friendship. He lacked interest in the journey of life yet depended on her kindness and love. They quarrelled, laughed, fell into routines of work and small conversation. She desired passion, inspiration, and determination but had very little of all these things. He was content in staying the way they were. She was not. After some time Ivory moved out and began a new journey; but William followed, deciding against his own interests, that maybe he did want something more as well. He conformed to her path in order not to lose her. Still lost but fedup with her own indecisiveness, Ivory chose to settle, for the time being, for her seemingly easiest route to actually getting somewhere in life. William showed the entirety of his love for the first time on the day she told him goodbye. Now here they were, eating burgers as casual friends, William's continuous failed attempts at winning her back wer becoming a nucence.
Stuffed to the gills with understanding of this relationship, Madeline turned all of her focus back to Ivory. She saw the depths of all that Ivory was yet it seemed to be locked inside, and shadowed. What does she need? But Madeline was blessed with the gift of clarity and it had never failed before. Something was wrong. What is my purpose here, she MUST be it. She hadn't had to focus so intently before. Perhaps I'm trying to hard. Frustrated, Madeline continued along with the broken friends as William let Ivory off at her residence. Madeline stayed just long enough to catch Ivory's apartment number and left Ivory for the time being.
The tired Angel wandered the city, watching traffic, watching junior football practice, watching restaurants fill up and empty, watching bars drain and families pray. Struggling to see anything crisp as the sun, yearning for attestation. She had not struggled in all of her decades as she was now. Terrified and confused she turned to her Father for help. Through the hustle and bustle of the streets, through alley fights, gang violence, murder, addiction, poverty, and apathy, through the darkness of her closed eyes Madeline could see ONLY Ivory's gaze, her pale blue irises, and her piercing silence.

what is my deal? I'm so freaking excited about life lately...I get ideas and I have like a bunch of sticky notes all over my room with just...ideas of things, stories, camping, adventures, money... I have so much positive energy and I want to emerse (sp?) people with the goodness I feel and just make them smile!!! :) smile. laugh. cry. love. read. explore. philosophise. create. be. play.

no it's not a commercial for verbs. sorry. I'm such a nerd. but a happy one. and that DEFINITELY can't be bad :)

Someone asked me if I loved him a little. I told him it was a strange question. It was to me, until I understood. I wasn't sure if he was trying to get me to say something I knew I shouldn't, if he was being... humorous...intoxicated. He texted me the question at 5 in the morning so I assumed it was just that...and nothing else but he asked again so I really had to think. I haven't answered him. I am a very loving person as long as the word "love" isn't taken out of context. Love can be an abundance of things when, at the same time it is only ONE thing. There is unconditional love though. We have it in family and friends we consider family as well. I know that he and I see love differently, completely. So when I answer he will take it as whatever form he believes love to be and not it's only form I see...there to be. It's not hard for me to love the world and humanity. When it comes to individuals expecting it from me or, wondering and waiting...that's when it's harder.
On a different note, I find that volunteering is a really good way to meet people. At least for me. People with similar ideas about the world. People who branch out and just do things because they have the time. It's good. I rather enjoy it. Each Sunday morning, well, at noon, I will be volunteering and I'm checking out the Big Sisters program in Des Moines too. Not only will that be helpful to the community but it will also be helpful to me when I get into social work, they'll see I actively took interest. The only thing I have to do is keep my system clean. Which is good anyway :)
That's where I met J. He's a nice boy. Well, he's not quite a boy, he's a police officer lol. But I didn't know that until yesterday morning. He doesn't wear his uniform to volunteer. We got on the topic of jobs, and i was a little shocked. He asked me if I was going to run away now...or if he should find a different church. I just told him he didn't look like a cop (good one Kara, just great)...he just laughed. But I'm definitely not giving him my blog address...not yet or for a while anyway... that was a mistake I've made too many times meeting people off the bat. I want to do more volunteering, find other things I can do because I just started and now I'm like; addicted. It really makes you feel good, you know? Saint Anthony's is next Sunday or maybe the next I'll have to check, but they also sponsor (if that's the word) other food pantry's not just out of that specific church but in other buildings as well.
Still feels like there's a fight within me about my own place in the world but I'm getting there.
There's someone I notice, whom shares very similar feelings as the ones I profess here. That leaves for a bit of intrique...

I don't know why that posted so much. I'm out of minutes on my phone again. This is a pain in the butt...getting more minutes etc. I should go do that though.
Sorry for my comments last night (you know who you are)
I wasn't...trying to be mean or anything. I was being honest, I could have gone about it differently.
Okay.
bye bye.

I'm starting an "anti-erectile enlargement drug" campaign.

it's funny how people really think they know you when they never see you, understand you, or put themself on your level at all. They see not the things you've accomplished, the ways you've grown, or all the good things about you...the bad things or even perceptions blown out of proportion flash in their face for self defense and the fact that they are just negative. what you've done for them and how you loved them doesn't matter. self improvement doesn't matter. Faith, loyalty, honesty, struggle and hard work doesn't matter. the image of what you were more than a year ago replaces your presence and they keep it there as their own truth...for reasons you'll never know. because you can't try and show someone when they don't want to see. that kind of effort only hurts you in the end. even if you've already been hurt to such an extent...in ways they're right because you'd continue to put yourself out their knowing pain is a large possibility, to try and make them happy. so I'm the fool. I am the weak and unintelligent. the flighty. the immoral. i am the apitamy of all that is wrong in humanity. "oh but you're hearts good" for what it's worth...obviously nothing.

what happened to my blog? Why is everything down below the archives now? that's annoying. 249 bush 242 kerry. This is really fun to watch, all the reporters are sleep depted and anxious...so are the people watching...I'm pretty sure Bush will win. That's just my own perception...I'm not sure what to think. I know who I voted for. And my decision wasn't agaisnt any candidate. Just FOR one. That's the whole point. I hope people get that. But I'm pretty sure most don't because that's the way we think here...in America these days. The 18-24 year old vote is higher than it's been in...FOREVER...pretty much...and I'm iffy about how I think about that too. It's good to vote yes; as long as you know who, why, and what you're voting for...as long as you're doing it knowledgeably...(is that a word)...okay but you know what I mean. I'd rather have someone who doesn't know what's going on and doesn't care NOT vote than vote because voting is important. If you take the time and actually care about any issues...vote. If not...just leave it alone please and let people who really care...act on what they want. I used to get pissed at people for not voting. but now that feeling has been changed a bit. I really did research this time...second time voting in a big election, I am, after all, only 22...but I really knew what I was voting for this time...I spent nights reading all about things candidates have voted on, things they've said...mostly looking on certain gov web sites...because media leans very obviously in certain ways, but the media isn't fooling me so...I had to do it all on my own. I won't post who I voted for; but I will say, no, it wasn't him. lol. Pay attention, if you want a voice it's the best time to use it I suppose, but PAY ATTENTION...and know your values. That's the main sway of my decisions... reasonable hypothesis mean nothing to me. It's the overall human being...just like me and you...and all of the rest of America/Mankind etc...that I decide on. But maybe I'm just unorthodox. I think I just...care. There were a lot of important things to vote on this election...hopefully we didn't forget that...

I feel bad when I repeatedly say no when someone asks me to go somewhere or hang out with them. I just think my timing is always off at the times they ask...like I had just made previous plans or I'm not feeling in the mood to be social or whatnot. But it's not that I don't want to hang out with you, I like your company. Our conversations are never boring lol. But a little warning is good... you company IS GOOD! :)

I'm so sleepy right now. I find myself surprised each time I get a comment on my blog.. Mainly because I usually just feel as though people don't understand half of what i feel. When I feel that someone may actually relate...it feels good and...gets my curiosity going. I'm seeing the reality of this life I'm leading now...I know exactly what's going on but I'm not exactly sure what to do right now...maybe I'm just suppose to wait for something for once.. who knows. I do know that I miss someone a lot. But I also know that there's only so much one can do to stay a part of someone else's life. Otherwise you're just forced to love from afar. Which I can do...but I know the other party involved would be happier if it wasn't from such a far. But that's no longer my decision to make. I do know one thing. I'm not f'ing around anymore. When it comes to love that is. I'm done with sewing oats...I'm done with any sort of iffyness, any process or...wet feet...I'm not playing anymore. I'm so freaking picky that I'm most likely screwed but I don't care. I'm not here to play games. I can lay it all out on the table. Most people can't handle that. Most love interests couldn't ever handle me anyway lol. But I'm not really looking for anyone to handle me either. I just know that when the time comes for me to be involved fully, regardless of who it ends up being with; it's not going to be a frivilous vacation...the real deal is what I want. That is SCARY. seriously it freaks me out because it's so...not me...ever. but I'm NOT f'ing around. LOL. (I want to be madly in love....have you ever tried that, without the MADLY?) it's reality. with great highs come great crashes. Since love is about the most important thing we have on this earth, I'm not about to settle for anything of replication or imagination. I know what love is; I've got a lot of it right here. We'll see if I'll ever get to share it wholey with another. I'm not itching to throw it at just anyone. I'm reserving it. To emurse fully...with someone. lol. I'm such a geek sometimes. Where the hell am I going? Who knows. I'm a ramble grumble stumbling nit wit. Lack of sleep leaves for interesting gaps of thought.

Once there was Madeline. Fierce, flawless, and innocent. She set forth on earth, a messenger from Heaven. She traveled openly through the world, guided by God's light, unafraid, and in many ways unaware. Her purpose was always clear. The light always shone bright. Meeting others like herself; angels and archangels. Wiser, inspiring, they taught Madeline of reason and accuracy; of why the paths she ventured were clear- and of why she was special. They all shared in her love. Madeline worshipped each day like a child, and together...Like children. Joy among Angels was aplenty- Joy with Madeline in worship lit sparks in the others that went beyond joy itself. In human comparison much like that of a younger sister to hundreds of older children whom appreciated Madeline's gifts with respect, loyalty, and protection. Some of them were so eager to teach her all they knew. Madeline never argued, she always wanted to learn. But, like others, her purpose WAS clear. Many purposes at that. Learning was always a joy, but the light would not dim, and Madeline remained in motion.
Much of Madeline's happiness was kindled from being with her kindred spirits; but she found a particular intrigue in Humans that others lacked. Most knew of humanity and earth of course. They questioned little and contemplated differently than Madeline. Their hearts were with mankind but the level of interest differed. Everything was knew and amazing to Madeline; no matter how time passed. She knew the light flowed through these lives for reasons. Her eyes were always being caught and her fights granted her power to look at each detail more closely. Fierce; yes, she was strong. Curiosity would consume her at points, and this...She never fought.
Samuel often told Madeline not to linger too long in the lives she watched over and blended into. Though she respected and adored Sam, she would not obey such silly requests. Lingering was what she ALWAYS did, she found joy in it, and believed it gave her more knowledge of the human heart. She felt beyond their hearts and intentions; into different aspects and depths of people she came to know. She had the gift of interaction. This was the most precious to her. Madeline could interact like the rest of them; yes, but she had a power to become the life of those passing before her. Before they passed entirely. She could keep them safe and help them through the darkest, most hopeless times. When they could not see her guidance; she would enter into them and keep them going, for it would not be their time to leave the world yet. She could ease pain. She could show hope and faith.
With God's gifts come reason, and though she questioned reason she knew the boundaries. She knew risks and had the ability to make precise decisions. Her greatest joys were in other's happiness, hope, and triumph. Stalling had the possibility of becoming a danger; but she also knew she could fix anyone. Right as rain.
Presently sitting on an old grey couch, in her feathers and flesh; Madeline remembers Oscar. In a pub. Twelve beers down and all the preztels he could eat. No hope. No point of existence any longer. Drowning daily in liquor and fantasy. Dead wife. Ashamed children. Madeline walked into the bar, catching glances. That man steals wallets and identities. The bartender is stoned and oblivious. The new grandfather sitting by the door is staring at my ass (chokes on his drink). Madeline sits at the table with Oscar. Staring stunned yet somewhat expectant, "can I get you a drink?" "no thank you" she takes his hand and her warmth melts all the force and strain that keeps Oscar upright day to day. "what's wrong?" Madeline asks and Oscar begins to weep. Out pours eight years of past. Madeline feels all the sadness, pain, loss. She is with him through every moment and she is with him now. His unbearable baggage lifts lighter and he can stand. Hand in hand centered in the pub, the two of them tall and straight...Relieved. Oscar curls in for a hug. She holds him a moment and as he loosens Madeline lets go. Oscar exits the bar with a smile. Thinking of him now, Madeline traces Oscars path. Supervisor of construction. Reunited with his children. New life. Renewed faith. Thousands before just the same, thousands after as well. Madeline knew then. Back in the time of Oscar and so many others. Madeline knew. She found pride in her purpose. She could touch people through and through. Pure as platinum. Experience helped Madeline to be more precise of course and also helped her not to wander to easily.
With disregard now for age and time. Intuition. On the sofa. Outstretched. Madeline contemplates a way to fix this place. She thinks back vividly to the beginning of the earthy path she threw herself to. So much time to think of alteration...The only answer she knows she must find.
************************************************************************************

There came a time when Madeline passed through a town. She had ran across this town time and again. She enjoyed it's simplicity and the unity of the families dwelling there. She had played with many children in the town. Shown paths for many troubled adolescence. She prayed in the homes of those too elderly to get outside. She helped the doctors of the hospital find faster ways to get critical patients to bigger cities. Saving lives; God willing. She helped in the schools. She helped on the farms. Madeline ventured to countless places countless times; this town held a special place in her heart.
Floating above the high school one day, Madeline noticed a girl. In cap and gown and smile, she was clearly ready to move on the bigger things. Madeline watched; surprised at her own abrupt stop. Nothing too outstanding about the girl. Quiet, plain. Dirty blonde hair, on makeup or jewelry like most girls in this school wore. Her eyes were big and bright; but tired. That smile she wore was painful. The effort the girl was putting into the smile weighed on Madeline's wings. Disappointed about her graduation? No, she had been ready for this her whole life. Sad to move on? No, she wanted to leave right away. Madeline drew closer; watching more intently. Her mother and father were proud. Her friends gathered around her in laughter and excitement. The ceremony had ended; though the girl nervously kept her cap on, took it off, put it on again. Madeline concentrated on her eyes. They were distant, behind them a thousand thoughts, stories, dreams, fears. Memories. focus. They were tangled and distorted, with gaps and illusions..Terror...pain...There was triumph there as well. This triumph was clouded by exhaustion and sadness. A sadness created by images Madeline had seen before in people. Images that were deceiving and far too often overpowering to the weak. How is it that she is just a child? Barely eighteen? No experience of other places. Not even on her own yet. No where close to finding her place. Yet she has conquered battles and saved lives and mastered an art form... She brought people together time after time. She had been saved by miracles. Madeline was entranced by the girl. Just a girl. The Madeline saw. She does not SEE the triumph of her battles nor the bravery of her own heart. She sees only the defeat of what was lost and the pain of staying alive. The cloud of images left no window of hope and little of Faith. The girl needed clarity.
Madeline let the girl be for the moment. Left her with family and friends and celebration. Then later appeared that night, by the girls bedroom window. On the bedpost was a plastered footprint which said Ivory. It was suiting for her skin tone and talent. Madeline waited as Ivory drifted to sleep. She then entered the bedroom. Each time she entered an enclosed area she would infold her wings so they weren't visible, they spanned too far to fit indoors of most buildings. She knelt next to Ivory and said a prayer. She touched Ivory's eyelids with her fingertips and placed her warm palms softly on each of Ivory's temples. Ivory began to dream. Madeline replaced the fog and illusions with hope and enlightenment and a hint of her own love. Madeline felt Ivory's tense body loosen as she finally began to really rest.
Ivory woke the next day refreshed, with a sincere smile, with gratitude and a new found faith in God. She saw in the mirror that some previously obvious scars were healing and as she sat to practice her writing therapy she found it no longer an effort. She now had hope that her battle wounds were temporary and she could become again what she once had the potential to be. This was a good day. Madeline secretly kissed Ivory on the forehead and went on her way, satisfied.
***********************************************************************************

Okay so, that's basically the beginning of the story. I know I need to extend my vocabulary a lot and I'm not the best at writing lengthy stories but I know exactly what's going to happen. I've written more but will just post this for now.