In four minutes you will be gone and I must tell you why...

When a star crashes the angels are electrified.
life changes in ways you can't imagine.


Your dreams are perfect, they are like machines

Leaving you dizzy

When you first discover you died everyone seems to be saying goodbye
Your dreams are perfect, they run like machines

You must change your life.
You are never ready.


There are people you have to leave behind…

You must change your life

You are a diamond…
They don’t value your treasure.

You fall down…you GET UP.

You must change,
You are never ready.

You are nothing special and you are such a gift.

If you had one wish; you’d be just like everybody else. (Imagine the tragedy.)

You must change your life.

You are NEVER ready.

Love is like crying,
Like writing
Like dying…
You have GOT to do it.

I know it’s tragic to be tender.

I know it’s dangerous to be kind.

I know it’s vicious to care.

Listen to me: I KNOW what’s going to happen to you.

You don’t need a window...
or a fire escape.

You must change your life.


You need a skyline to get to where you’re going

I can’t tell you where..

And you dream that you are hollow, and you dream that you are whole.

Reconstruct what you remember….and it comes out in pieces.

You must change your life
You are never ready…

(Those people can’t hold you up.)

Everyone is gone gone gone…


Everyone is gone.

Learn to swim alone.

Learn to fly.


(You are never ready.)

You MUST change…
too quick to care to understand...

Cast them off like long rope…learn to swim in the dark water alone
Look up to the stars stars stars…
And know that this is YOUR sky now.
(You know it could be.)

LIFT your arms above you; step forward, know who you are and leap.

Look fast and burn through streets. Hover over trees and speed past taxis.
Don’t even bother to wave at the children who watch you; awe struck.
Brushing past skyscrapers. And looking up…up

Slip off the long skirt that holds you down; and don’t look back and watch it billow to earth.

Tell the cool jets and Superman that you’re passing them. Feel your hair stream back with the wind blinding you, forcing your dry mouth open.

No one can touch you now.

Get OUT of this fucking world;
You must change your life
As FAST as you can.

I

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?
Because I do not hope to know again
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is nothing again
Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessed face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice
And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us
Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

Here is my horoscope for Sunday, June 19:

There's a puzzle here for you to solve, a thread of thought and
feelings for you to unwind. Concentrate on seeing to the heart of the matter
-- you won't feel quite comfortable again until you do.

So yeah, like, uh... when I DO figure it out will i feel comfortable? hmmmm.
It's daddy's day. I miss my daddy. Parents have been in alaska for the last couple of weeks and I worked from 11-9:30 today so I didn't really get to talk to him. So many strange interactions with people that confuse me lately in ways. everythings been totally different moment to moment lately. Nothing seems too defined...nothings seems real or maybe really real for the first time...I don't know.
It's all too hard to explain right now but I range from happy to excited to terrified to angry to depressed to detached to anxious to apathetic and so on, in the matter of moments. I know my job is part of it and how I am with people ect... how people have mood swings around me, how my environments are never consistent... I don't know exactly what to do i suppose. i don't really know much anymore...well...I do know some things for certain i suppose...lol
shut up kara.
okay anyway.
i'm not really too chatty
adios

boob

I feel so much better tonight than I did when I wrote that last blog. it's funny how much different my mood is depending on sleep and health and company ect. I'm glad i have tomorrow off and about that last blog i've actually changed my mind on how I feel completely already.  NO, I'm not flighty at ALL.

I have a lot to say but i'm really tired...dreams, thoughts, ideas, weirdness...lots going on. but i'm too tired to explain that. i guess i'm just drifting and thinking and right now it's about doubt. because I've been doubting myself lately and certain things. Questioning whether or not I can accept, get past, or deal with certain things... things i think, now that I look back...i just thought would change or go away. then I forgot to remember, you should not expect change. I doubt myself and things I can handle right now... because of who I am and what I feel. because of feelings I cannot control. very vague now, because I also doubt my ability to EVER actually have the ability to come out and state certain things I cannot handle or things I "hate". because I cannot deal with that feeling of discomfort either. SO basically I suck? that's how I feel right now. but I cannot control certain feelings i have. I'm so vague right now, this is probably pointless, but the feeling boils. and the problem with women is we don't just forget something and get over it if it comes to surface again... we feel just as intensely that negativity towards whatever it may be that we initially felt. At least most women. So i just ask others what they'd do and they don't know cuz they don't really feel like I do about some things. So I get stuck and just think about reaccurances in the future tense...and how I will feel...and whether or not I could take some things after awhile. whether or not they will create bitterness or resentment towards anyone because of the festering...because of the lack of ability to speak it. Truth? Truth. What is really real I wonder? sometimes I wonder. I've been in a blackness today like I imagine the deepest parts of the ocean being. drowning in ways. i run away, or i run towards something...but does it matter where I go today? because I am not inside myself. or maybe just clear back in the back of me.... I'm not sure. I'm drifting...eyelids dropping and jerking back up. i'm noisy. it's something i got from my mother, curious. wondering whats hidden inside people. no matter how open or real. i still want to get to the parts they'd rather not anyone see...even themselves. do i get to myself that way? sometimes. but i don't get invasive to a point of trespassing into a person's locked property, in whatever sense of the word. just enough to look more closely at things free for me to see. those things may not be considered, remembered, or thought of by the person unless they realize so after they see i see. but they take responsibility then, because they welcomed me there. this probably is nonsense to everyone. because I'm sleep dep, retarded and dead tired. anyway, good night, i might clear up later.

I looked back farther into the beginning of my blog (this blog) to set certain time-frames right in my mind. Looks like it started sooner than I remember but I still don't remember. I remember some parts. But not the connections and the flow of things throughout time. I don't know why it really matters, maybe because I hear people speak in terms of length and make connections with themselves that way. I know what I tell myself in my head about life and myself and and so forth. I remember one time that seemed ages ago and maybe it was...I really can't remember I don't have a clue...You came and saw me at my rawest form of vulnerability and weakness and let me know it wasn't good, I wasn't happy...you told me. Why is time so askew in my mind? I want to know, I want to fix it. All the tragedy and dances with disconnection lately pulled it all out of me full force and I became the ugliness I hate about the world. It didn't take over, it didn't consume me or any such thing...but it momentarily influenced all of my humanity. Then it took nothing but a warm dream and goodnight to fix it. Yet I feared it never going away. Vague. duh. So I basically broke down entirely for the first time in I don't know how long...a long long long time. i do know that. I think the last time i had such a panic attack was when I was with Micah but he was there to help me. this time I was alone in my bathroom and no one was around, I had no way to get anyone there either so I had to let it pass and it was ridiculous, the way I couldn't stop. I'm sure if anyone had seen me in such a state they'd have called the ambulance but I'm glad no one saw because I didn't need that and no one needs to see such things in me anyway. Total light-headed, mush-brain followed then I went back to work. was happy at work, then anger hit again. It goes: Pain (hurt, sadness, depression etc.), Anger, Lethargy or exhaustion, depression, sleep, then content. but the cycle was so rapid, hourly even. I think it's over. The funeral was today and my mom sang but I didn't play the piano, I didn't practice and I was way too nervous but my mom's voice was lovely and I laid on the couch all day afterwards. maybe that's all I needed to get past. Just this day. I hope your mom is doing better too, i think about her all throughout the day and pray and worry. i know it'll be okay though. i feel like...a lot of things are to get better soon; an dI'm glad i feel that way because usually I'm right about the feelings i sense coming on. cuz I'm like psychic and shit. yeah. goodnight kitty cats.