3.30.2005
I got a job! Yay! Starts Monday so i'll be having four days off. neat-o speed-o. I will be working at Cosi Cucina's. A month long training period before i start making any real bank but it should really be worth it in the end. i just have to try and survive until then. The relief and good feelings i have because of the difference i know it will be working there compared to wells is so well...RELIEVING. maybe ALL my zombie-like characteristics will go away now. like before i worked at Wells Fargo. that would KICK ass. The owner pretty much sat there talking to me for 3 hours. just talking. Then he hired me. i really wasn't expecting it. i'll be bartending and serving. Thank God. Back to a job i can enjoy. and it's family run and operated. very good vibes. no corporate bullshit. i will NOT work for corporate again. THIS i swear. and i won't have to deal with feeling like a total isolated outcast at work; people suck at that place man. not all of them....must most. there are probably 2 people there i would consider worth talking to again. anyway....just thought i'd update on that. night night.
3.29.2005
So yeah. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................i think i'm getting a new job tomorrow since i believe i'm no longer employed, neat huh? retarded. whatever. story of Kara....
Anyway so Jez and I were up late because I couldn't sleep so i kept her up and we discussed going to the porn shop for a goof since nothing at home was satisfying us... i quickly retracted the idea though just thinking about the porn shop and the aura ect...in that place. The reason i am bringing this up is because of a fellow blogger's e-mail to me in reply to an early discussion about the porno industry and pornography. ALSO "Chase" and I had a somewhat similar discussion (he has the same attitude and the other boy i just mentioned about it) and since i'm not going to just be AOK with some Cockfaced view of the subject I thought I'd ellaborate on my opinions a bit. i get really sick to my stomach when i think about porn for some reason... the only times i've ever watched it was for a laugh, with a group of friends, mocking and laughing and such. sure people would get semi-turned on but it was never for that purpose and even when i think about THAT i get ill at ease. i believe it's the incredible problem i have with human objectification. i KNOW i know...we've all been guilty at one point or another of this, but in excess and overindulgence and so on, that really throws me off and above all TURNS me off when i think about people in this. even my closest girlfriend. it bothers me; i can't help it. all of it. maybe i'm just wrong or being too...i don't know...something...too something; i tend to be too "something" sometimes. but i guess it's just how i am. i really can say pornography and prostitution and stripping etc...are things i cannot stand to even consider accepting anymore, it could be also for my disgust in perversion and sexual deviance. The devient beget devience and it scares me to some point; also the secrecy of it. i guess it bother me less when a person is open about it, like TBone, for example...i can just say "sick, shut-up..." but be somewhat satisfied that he's that open about it. then again men and women are different. women hide dildos, men hide porn, homos hide lube and anal douches and dykes hide strap ons and......ANYWAY...okay i honestly fit in none of the above secrets. i have my images in my mind, my love and desire and physical human instinct and that's just fine. but even those are things of little significance to my daily thoughts and needs. Love turns me on. intimacy and truth and passion. guess i could just be boring...but don't ask or bring it up if you're expecting sometype of satisfaction that i'm just as perverse. you're disappointed that i'm not as "open" or "interested" in experimentation or alternatives to what i've already made my decision and determination in life for. i'm not trying to turn YOU on or please YOU... so, sorry! Being in love, in truth; makes you look at anything else you ever thought you wanted before or that you could possibly be satisfied with alternatively in a different light...so insignificant and unsubstantial. so surface and shallow and ridiculous when i think of it now. it's so different than what i once believed i suppose. and today, for the first time; i FULLY understood the importance of living for purpose and consideration and consequence. Living moment to moment can be a truly dangerous and evil thing....i really didn't understand to the point i now do..because moments can seem so overwhelming and right while you're in them but to be taken by them and to indulge in them frivilously; blind to the future whether moments to come or years...can lead to the ware of the soul and to the decaying of a heart. my heart is to be full and bright and true, for the rest of my life; no matter what... it's something so significant that the determination i have to grow in will and strength is so certain; i have no doubts.
Anyway so Jez and I were up late because I couldn't sleep so i kept her up and we discussed going to the porn shop for a goof since nothing at home was satisfying us... i quickly retracted the idea though just thinking about the porn shop and the aura ect...in that place. The reason i am bringing this up is because of a fellow blogger's e-mail to me in reply to an early discussion about the porno industry and pornography. ALSO "Chase" and I had a somewhat similar discussion (he has the same attitude and the other boy i just mentioned about it) and since i'm not going to just be AOK with some Cockfaced view of the subject I thought I'd ellaborate on my opinions a bit. i get really sick to my stomach when i think about porn for some reason... the only times i've ever watched it was for a laugh, with a group of friends, mocking and laughing and such. sure people would get semi-turned on but it was never for that purpose and even when i think about THAT i get ill at ease. i believe it's the incredible problem i have with human objectification. i KNOW i know...we've all been guilty at one point or another of this, but in excess and overindulgence and so on, that really throws me off and above all TURNS me off when i think about people in this. even my closest girlfriend. it bothers me; i can't help it. all of it. maybe i'm just wrong or being too...i don't know...something...too something; i tend to be too "something" sometimes. but i guess it's just how i am. i really can say pornography and prostitution and stripping etc...are things i cannot stand to even consider accepting anymore, it could be also for my disgust in perversion and sexual deviance. The devient beget devience and it scares me to some point; also the secrecy of it. i guess it bother me less when a person is open about it, like TBone, for example...i can just say "sick, shut-up..." but be somewhat satisfied that he's that open about it. then again men and women are different. women hide dildos, men hide porn, homos hide lube and anal douches and dykes hide strap ons and......ANYWAY...okay i honestly fit in none of the above secrets. i have my images in my mind, my love and desire and physical human instinct and that's just fine. but even those are things of little significance to my daily thoughts and needs. Love turns me on. intimacy and truth and passion. guess i could just be boring...but don't ask or bring it up if you're expecting sometype of satisfaction that i'm just as perverse. you're disappointed that i'm not as "open" or "interested" in experimentation or alternatives to what i've already made my decision and determination in life for. i'm not trying to turn YOU on or please YOU... so, sorry! Being in love, in truth; makes you look at anything else you ever thought you wanted before or that you could possibly be satisfied with alternatively in a different light...so insignificant and unsubstantial. so surface and shallow and ridiculous when i think of it now. it's so different than what i once believed i suppose. and today, for the first time; i FULLY understood the importance of living for purpose and consideration and consequence. Living moment to moment can be a truly dangerous and evil thing....i really didn't understand to the point i now do..because moments can seem so overwhelming and right while you're in them but to be taken by them and to indulge in them frivilously; blind to the future whether moments to come or years...can lead to the ware of the soul and to the decaying of a heart. my heart is to be full and bright and true, for the rest of my life; no matter what... it's something so significant that the determination i have to grow in will and strength is so certain; i have no doubts.
3.24.2005
advice of the day: #1....don't ever listen to my advice; moron.
#2. if I must give some advice it's this: catch them off guard.
you figure it out; you're the dumbass that is listening to my advice in the first place. Shheeeesh. No; okay really i'll ellaborate slightly: liars; if you want to catch a liar in a lie....catch them off gaurd and be blunt about it. the end.
#2. if I must give some advice it's this: catch them off guard.
you figure it out; you're the dumbass that is listening to my advice in the first place. Shheeeesh. No; okay really i'll ellaborate slightly: liars; if you want to catch a liar in a lie....catch them off gaurd and be blunt about it. the end.
3.22.2005
here; i'm updating because I was being threatened and harrassed for not updating my blog. so i'm eating my delicious salad at the moment. of course i've been avoiding my blog because i know who reads it now and just don't want to worry about critism or non-playful harrassment or...judgement. i guess. i'll probably just stop blogging all together or create an entirely new blog with a new...genre or...a new type of blog...i have some ideas. it's true that blogs to some people have become a passive aggressive form of attack or other such things; a way for people to tell you something without worry about being held responsible for them i suppose... i only read blogs now that i know i will enjoy in some way...not just the journal blogs. anyway. shocked lots of people lately...which was to be expected...some people were happy shocked and others not so much...understandable...and not understanding is also expected...so it's like i just need to not worry about other people in some ways now because it doesn't matter how they see things or what they think...they wouldn't get it unless they are me...and they're not. anyway; my life is getting better every day...i feel a sense of goodness finally. stable goodness. i like it.
3.05.2005
What makes the Ultra-Vacuous Anal Douche 4000 a necessity in YOUR home?
* Comfortable
* Easy to Use
* Simple to Clean
The ULTRA-VACUOUS ANAL DOUCHE 4000 is an easy to use cleaning system designed for comfort and simplicity.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE: before insertion, enter the vulcanite mount over the bulb probe. Submerge the tip of the mount in the fluid of choice while compressing the bulb. Allow the bulb to completely fill with fluid while relaxing the pressure on the bulb. Once full, insert into area to be DOUCHED. Repeat as needed.
*Please use water soluble lubricant on mount for ease of penetration and comfort.*
(real label, no joke...Don't ask)
* Comfortable
* Easy to Use
* Simple to Clean
The ULTRA-VACUOUS ANAL DOUCHE 4000 is an easy to use cleaning system designed for comfort and simplicity.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE: before insertion, enter the vulcanite mount over the bulb probe. Submerge the tip of the mount in the fluid of choice while compressing the bulb. Allow the bulb to completely fill with fluid while relaxing the pressure on the bulb. Once full, insert into area to be DOUCHED. Repeat as needed.
*Please use water soluble lubricant on mount for ease of penetration and comfort.*
(real label, no joke...Don't ask)
3.02.2005
yeah, that probably really didn't make any sense. i was way too tired to make any sense at that point, in fact I shouldn't have even posted that last blog because of how many parts I left out.
Oh well. Haven't been to work the last couple of days, i'm getting better I hope though. Tori's new CD The Bee Keeper, is amazing, I also got her book: Piece by piece. I can't wait to read it. Saw her on Carson last night and cried, yes, cried...because she has a tendency to do that to me; plus I've been really emotionally lately therefore really "avoidy". except late at night when Jez and I are laying around or sitting around talking about things we should do. Our imaginations just go and we end up laughing until we can't take the pain anymore....no wait...we still keep laughing but we cry too. my abs still hurt from last night. We create such a different world in our little apartment sometimes. If we actually put some effort into doing some of the things we talk about, the ideas we have, we could totally kick ass at them....we could create things in life that we create in our minds and we could really share them with people, rather than trying to explain them. We have a book in mind to write together also. We could do it....
On another note I find lately that sex has become a repulsive thought to me. This...is weird... I have no idea why; not a clue. But I find that if there a sex scene in a movie on TV I'll get disgusted by it and turn my head or hide my eyes, if someone talks about anything sexually specific i'll be repulsed. I'm sure it's just a weird way I'm in at the time but I can't really figure it out. Maybe it also has to do with the recent surfacing of my thoughts on perversion and the male mind (not always just the male mind but mostly). I can't shake my thoughts about this lately and my feelings towards the way men are when it comes to sex. I'm sure it's also because the topic has come up often in conversation lately. There's no guy that I've gotten to know or been involved with that doesn't have at least SOMETHING that drives me nuts when it comes to the way he is about sex or females (unless they're gay, then they drive me nuts about their promiscuity with other boys.) But the fact that we've been talking about all these things recently makes it more in my thoughts I guess. I'm not saying I hate men. I just can't handle them when it comes to some things. I have many male friends, gay and straight, and I can enjoy their company and have fun with them and talk to them and it's fine, it's fun. Dating them? that's a totally different story. Mostly it's impossible and not very....interesting to me anyway. I am NOT getting into this right now. Anyway men and women are so different it's insane. We're equally human though, neither better nor worse than the other. Some of us (Kara) just can't stand certain things about boys. I could go off about some things about females that drive me nuts too but I'll save it for the book...
Alkaline Trio in May...going to Ohio; it's going to be great. We'll stay with mi numera una...(is that spelled right?) I'm rusty on my espanolo. May 6. awesome.
Can't wait...then the HSA Festival May 26....gotta save $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
fo rizzy.
oh yeah, I was going to write an explanation all about my thoughts of why i've made certain decisions but decided I didn't want to be emotional any more today...so I'll do that when the thoughts hit me again...if there's a computer around.
Hope everyone is well....Beki and Beth may be up Saturday, maybe they'll finally hang out with me this time (joke...kinda) but it would be fun. alright, off to read my Tori.
Oh well. Haven't been to work the last couple of days, i'm getting better I hope though. Tori's new CD The Bee Keeper, is amazing, I also got her book: Piece by piece. I can't wait to read it. Saw her on Carson last night and cried, yes, cried...because she has a tendency to do that to me; plus I've been really emotionally lately therefore really "avoidy". except late at night when Jez and I are laying around or sitting around talking about things we should do. Our imaginations just go and we end up laughing until we can't take the pain anymore....no wait...we still keep laughing but we cry too. my abs still hurt from last night. We create such a different world in our little apartment sometimes. If we actually put some effort into doing some of the things we talk about, the ideas we have, we could totally kick ass at them....we could create things in life that we create in our minds and we could really share them with people, rather than trying to explain them. We have a book in mind to write together also. We could do it....
On another note I find lately that sex has become a repulsive thought to me. This...is weird... I have no idea why; not a clue. But I find that if there a sex scene in a movie on TV I'll get disgusted by it and turn my head or hide my eyes, if someone talks about anything sexually specific i'll be repulsed. I'm sure it's just a weird way I'm in at the time but I can't really figure it out. Maybe it also has to do with the recent surfacing of my thoughts on perversion and the male mind (not always just the male mind but mostly). I can't shake my thoughts about this lately and my feelings towards the way men are when it comes to sex. I'm sure it's also because the topic has come up often in conversation lately. There's no guy that I've gotten to know or been involved with that doesn't have at least SOMETHING that drives me nuts when it comes to the way he is about sex or females (unless they're gay, then they drive me nuts about their promiscuity with other boys.) But the fact that we've been talking about all these things recently makes it more in my thoughts I guess. I'm not saying I hate men. I just can't handle them when it comes to some things. I have many male friends, gay and straight, and I can enjoy their company and have fun with them and talk to them and it's fine, it's fun. Dating them? that's a totally different story. Mostly it's impossible and not very....interesting to me anyway. I am NOT getting into this right now. Anyway men and women are so different it's insane. We're equally human though, neither better nor worse than the other. Some of us (Kara) just can't stand certain things about boys. I could go off about some things about females that drive me nuts too but I'll save it for the book...
Alkaline Trio in May...going to Ohio; it's going to be great. We'll stay with mi numera una...(is that spelled right?) I'm rusty on my espanolo. May 6. awesome.
Can't wait...then the HSA Festival May 26....gotta save $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
fo rizzy.
oh yeah, I was going to write an explanation all about my thoughts of why i've made certain decisions but decided I didn't want to be emotional any more today...so I'll do that when the thoughts hit me again...if there's a computer around.
Hope everyone is well....Beki and Beth may be up Saturday, maybe they'll finally hang out with me this time (joke...kinda) but it would be fun. alright, off to read my Tori.
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