so I was driving to work today and I was thinking about how if I could leave myself and watch me from a distant; observe how I interact; the way I react etc; how I would be more able to understand things I do wrong. There are things I just get aggravated and annoyed about when it comes to myself and things I do. I know I just want to be myself; but it's important to me to also make sure I take those around me into consideration at all times. I don't mean anything more than just; well...paying attention. It's important to me to be myself while knowing I'm not unnecessarily hurting anyone. These things are important (to me). I mean it's so hard for people to look at them selves and think they could possibly be less than perfectly what they see... if that makes sense. People don't like recognizing their own faults but it's something I think makes a big difference in the type of person you are. Then there are those who do recognize and just..don't care. Nothing you can do about them... Patrick's blog was good and I nodded through most of it except for the edible hours of sex part...lol. Totally off the subject..anyway it's also important not to be to quick to point out other's faults and understand that they may not realize at all that they could possibly be hurting you; and if it's IMPORTANT to show them; to do it in a way where they aren't thinking you're just breaking them up into analytical parts and showing them the bad stuff only... that's something White Devil did a lot (Chris) and I would point that out to HIM and it was just a war all the time in between laughter and fun...was always war. But it's something I need to recognize not to do also. I know I"m being choppy tonight because all these things just come to mind and I fall off the subject. Point: Kara still working at her ultimate goal. Anyway..Now I'm thinking about Chris and that was the only chaotic relationship I was ever in but I totally thought the world of him for so long no matter what anyone said because of the connection I thought we had and we would have fun yes and be deep together yes...but the wars were huge; every one of them just total bloody badness...my brain is full and tired so my grammar is going to suck and for that I apologize..but we were in no way (when it came to each other and our battles) looking to be "the bigger person" it was always "Getting back at" better who could totally screw over the other in any way possible...who could win. but then we'd make up of course always; and we'd be "closer than ever" each time. Give me a break. What kind of dumbass was I? A big one. but I was totally in love with him for two years; we dated for 1 year (Age 16-17) and then he was gay. lol. But you can still see; if you happen to catch a look at him anytime, the soullessness in his eyes...that scared me even when we were close at times...but he had so much to say and so much "passion" that I made excuses for him in my head that there was something real there; it had to be. I wanted to believe in him so I did. We talked about getting married all the time. To everyone. What happens to people to make them so fucked up? He's fucked up. Really fucked up. I don't know what was wrong with me that I couldn't see these things. Was it ignorance; naivety? Or was he just really good at being someone else? Maybe all...and going back over and over? That's me being just totally stupid. Fear of the unfamiliar? Fear of loneliness? Maybe...I'm so glad that I can recognize some things now though that I never could before. I was talking to my dad about how unsatisfied I am right now; I know it's up to me to change that right..but I want more; nothing is satisfying me. I want more. Of all of it. I hope that's not selfish...I mean I don't want more STUFF. I want more inspiration, passion, creativity, humanity, love. Is it me? probably; I'm doing something wrong. I get so PHSYCHED about life lately...the disappointed that I'm not where I see myself and all the things I imagine aren't happening right now; I'm so impatient though. In so many ways; except when it comes to other people in growth and things...I wonder if people look at me and say "she's fucked up. really fucked up." that would suck. I'm not that fucked up; I'm not stupid, I'm not careless. I am considerate, and concerned and come to find quite inquisitive; more so everyday...I have morals and respect, and I care, I am empathetic and really try to understand everything I can...everything that I find important. I am at this point pretty much willing to change anything that I feel needs to be changed. Try anything new. (that is not dangerous, immoral, or masochistic) learning about people is so good and fun to me. Learning about everything is pretty interesting but mostly people but I don't want to be like my dad and detach from the emotion of the thing. I want to be right there in it feeling every part no matter how uncomfortable or painful because I think it's worth it and if it really makes a difference than it's AMAZING. Rambling now. Going to stop.

it's crazy how different I am than I used to be.
does that really happen? because it's crazy when I think about it. Just crazy.
Lately I am even more so different. I think people feel it inside each change they have...permenant change I mean. And I always feel it so I always know it's coming. It's crazy how empathy works in me and crazy how no one could really believe or understand it I don't think...it's not an easy thing though. I'm just itching to do something with my life. I am just excited at the person I will turn out to be. It will be good; I pray it will and I believe it will. My standards are so high though with life and people now; it's almost ridiculous. I'm not sure why, or how, but I wonder if it means I won't ever be satisfied and I wonder if it means it's intentional...I realized a lot of things over the past couple days. my eyes won't close. I'm direct and wired and have nothing to hide. I can feel the peak of something coming; I want to stay on top...I want to show everyone what is real...important...and make them believe in it. but how does one like me even begine to do something such as this? I have had so many things imbedded in my habits and conditioning...every part has to be examined and...corrected and maybe just stay the same but...polished.

so I haven't posted in about two weeks; even when I did post last I deleted it. I can't quite remember why though. Work has been the same. I have gone through a strange rollercoaster of wanting to kick total ass with my life and wanting to run and hide from it. Last night the emotional breakdown began and it didn't stop until about 12:45 this afternoon. Then my eyes were swollen and my head was empty and everything was fuzzy. I felt really alone today before work I remember, but that feeling passed. I can't believe how much I freaked when I checked my bank account, I mean yes it's a big deal but on a "normal" day my reaction would have been much less severe. I litterally bawled until my tear ducts were dry. That's just, unnecessary, BUT I DID feel better. drained and tired, but better. I know that it was just from everything piling up at once. My mom emailed me today saying "when you feel like nothing's going right and you can't handle it just chant these words ' my mom REALLY loves me! my mom REALLY loves me!' " it was sweet. She does really love me and has no idea how well I really know her. She likes to think I really need her to take care of me sometimes, because she doesn't so much want to think people know how poorly she really takes care of herself.. I love my mother so it hurts alot. the things I know. and it doesn't go away. so i know i will talk to her. i'm not going to let it go anymore. the outcome i care for is that she's forced in front of a constant mirror; completely naked. (metaphor) so she will take care of herself. because she will feel shame and regret and know now that the one person she loves more than life knows and it's hurting her. if she continues to do things she shouldn't; it will break my heart. but I can help her because I AM her daughter, I know her so well because I understand, and I am like her in ways. I don't believe she sees it as lies, deciet, or self mutilation. I believe she clouds those with denial and daily consistancy of work. she doesn't rest, she will not, she can't stand to sit still. We sat waiting for the movie and she took out her bilfold and organized it. But in ways, this is good, because I can see things NOT to do, how NOT to be and I can see why it really matters. I wouldn't be able to stand hurting someone I care so much about in that way. It would kill me. So there's me. There's my family, there's my love, there's my finances, there are my 'friends', and there is the world. There are a lot of good things in this world. History, art, poetry, and love. Things to learn. Things to see. Nature. When daily bullshit and frustrations can be forgotten, and I can really live. When the core of what is real and what is good can be brought out, I will see it all. I hope I can share what i see. What I learn. What I feel. Who I am. I hope that there will be someone there to experience life with me. because above all else in this world; humanity and people are number one. That's why we're all so frustrating and dissapointing. because we all have that spark. and we all have a potential to be great.

deleted.

whoops.

here i am. I feel mentally exhausted. But nothing is really bothering me too badly. I am a bit detached, a bit aware, a bit interested, and bit intrigued, a bit passive, a bit careless, a bit away. But that will all change again. These are little lights or gaps in the day where my entire...self just rests and relaxes and I can let my mind float. All day I have felt, in a way, invincible...like I could handle anything. but at the same time I felt all of the confusion of the bad things happening around me, the things that frustrate me, piss me off...I could express my annoyances, my aggravations, the way I REALLY felt, at the time. At each point in the day I knew exactly how i was feeling...Nothing was confusing or questionable...I understood myself. There were other things; underlying emotions that were a bit uncomfortable but still I UNDERSTOOD them...I just kind of wanted to shout everything that was inside of me outloud. Often I worry that someone will notice them if I just whisper! So it was different today; in that way. I liked it. I spent two hours with "sponsor" today...I'd say a bit intense... she always "advises me" on things that could be beneficial to my daily life, social life, future...which I guess is normal right? but she does it in a way where she doesn't say "I should" do such and such...but gives me ideas and lets me figure it out...I take to heart what she says; I trust her advice. She says some of the things or points of therapy will seem intense..>I told her it already WAS intense...but today I was thinking: is it bad on a person to go through therapy most of their life? It's been about...exactly half of my life since I've been in different therapy....I was thinking I wonder if that's bad because then I will expect to be probed, prodded, examined, analyzed> for all of my life, because it's a sort of...routine that is...Comfortable to stay in; like a crutch. Or is it truly a good thing? I hope it is...The whole point is that I just want to really understand myself and how to be...The way I want to be.
I am way too open right now I think because I'm not worried at all about what anyone things of what I have to say...Being judged. I mean I feel like the number of people in my life has dwindled down to far more than half...of choice...it was a big step for me; a big part of moving forward in life...necessary. I still know it was. There are things i miss. A year ago at this time I was getting drunk JUST about every single night and getting a little crazier than necessary...lol...but I wasn't worried about a lot of things I was just living in the moment. It was pretty unhealthy because a large number of random bad things could have, and on occassion did, happened...I feel better about my SELF now...more independent, more confident in my decisions, more aware of EVERYTHING (infinitely more aware)...I feel more ME..but I also fear more...because I know how things work, I know the likelihood of things going smoothly for me...like my dad always tells me "you always take the difficult way out..." I don't know why. I don't like feeling this sort of bitterness towards my parents either...It's not fair...They were good parents to me throughout my highschool life...tried to be thorough and follow through and do things that should have worked...I just didn't care or believed they loved me...I think things like that just carry on from early childhood...but looking back so much seems like I'm wasting time...but I guess to move forward you have to be aware of your history; yourself.