:(
I'm sorry.

we create these walls, as human beings; when we are going through metamorphosis...when we see people around us as the past and parts we're growing out of...well these walls build up...Efficiently in hand with our psyche and our minds, in hand with our awareness and the paths we see lain ahead...as our cushions from those parts we're so accustom to...the walls our or defense, protection...but what happens is this: because our surroundings are so familiar and our environment so routine; the awareness and necessity of something else...the vision of better things GUIDES US...so that these comfortable environments, these homes we've created and our so accustom to...become less necessary because we know, in parts of ourselves...the most important parts...well basically what I mean is WISDOM comes into play and NOW...Self sufficiently the walls and protection go up AGAINST these norms and these familiarities in order for us to have the strength and necessary detachment to move on from these things. These parts of life embedded subconsciously into our SELVES. My own personal growth and wisdom, the fact that I've paid so much attention to some things and have strived to keep my eyes open and keep moving forward to BETTER days...Brighter paths...Things like that...While still I see certain attachment to my normal social environment I've also become strong.. Day by day and week by week I have slowly set myself father apart from these people and routines and the environment itself...Though I've seen it being noticed to some extent, my "tapering" or ...Gradual neglect if you will...Has made it easier for me and for those who may be affected. Because I'm still open...I state my purpose, thoughts, wants, needs, and ideas openly as I become less and less available to those so eager and attached to my presence alone and the comfort it gives them...Him...You.
you know what I'm talking about, those reading, who are part of it...Part of what i describe...
and you know that it's hard for me to just break away but that i have to; that you'll give me those big sad puppy dog eyes and say "ok" "goodbye" just begging me to feel horrible and stay another day to comfort you. but I also know that the comfort I bring you also makes it too easy for you NOT to move either...and my absence will give you strength to SEE something you remembered from a dream, a conversation we once had, your OWN idea of things...Then that small spark will ignite your own will to live your life/lives for more than just a pesky inconvenience...but for something you have a voice in again. Can you see, all the time, power, ability you have to do something...An actual CREATION of your own ahead of you...Pick up the paintbrush and make your story...Rather than just waiting for the natural colors to flow onto the canvas---that kind of waiting and disregard leaves art lifeless and dull...With a pang of abandonment from a voice that was clear and precise as to why it left...Your momentum to catch up and just try again...Just a little...is worth the goodbye. the goodbyes.
it all sounds so melodramatic and almost narcissistic. Which has always been a virgin to my vocabulary...at least when describing myself...but the reason I see or say these things is only because of how they've been pointed out to me. Staying in certain situations can cause even more immobility within myself and also those around me; enablers enable disabilities to sway their excuses.
There is little in my current situation and routine in life that needs to remain. I have to cut it loose, let it go, and start my life.
This Saturday I had, with a kindred spirit that knows no logic in limitations extraneous daily life and struggle provides. Sees exactly how I see. The world, life, and all its little parts, all it's pretty quirks and frustrating bumps; but the wholeness through and through...From a vantage point we share together...and not because we met there intentionally or with any glimpse of why to go there...but because we were already there, the entire time...Through all of it...Eternally. (not even as mentally corporeal as vivid memories) that place we come to find ourselves, each other, and these truths...Has existed before time created memory. Before minds.
you can't JUST grasp any of it, or all of it...You just accept it...Smile...and keep going.

Jump, Bounce, Down, Up

I went out on a date,

With a girl, a bit late,

She had so many friends,

Gliding through many hands.

I brought my pogo stick,

Just to show her a trick,

She had so many friends,

Gliding through many hands.

Jump Pogo?..

Bounce Pogo,

Down Pogo, Up Pogo

Unannounced twister games,

All players with no names,

They lined up double quick,

But just one pogo stick,

Everyone gets to play,

Runaway, expose',

It was so exotic,

But just one pogo stick.

Jump Pogo?..

Bounce Pogo,

Down Pogo,

Up Pogo

Oh,

I like to spread you out,

Touching whoever's behind

Jump Pogo?..

Bounce Pogo,Down Pogo, Up Pogo

system of a down

There is much in my life needing change...I know its been an emphasis..For quite a while with me.
but there are people, environments, routines, conditioning...Lots to be changed...It's not just one thing, or pieces of some things...It's the structure and overall way my life is...I know my goals and my dreams, I see them and the path is tangible...It's myself, my strength, desire, and things that go along with all of that...that is the big OOMPH if you will...to get to what I want...to be who I am...who I see I want...and it's not easy...Myself is my biggest obstacle and sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do...but I also know that no one really can do that...It's all up to me...so I hope the ones I see in the end, really substantial and good in my life...will still be there...and will become all they want as well...It's a big deal right now...it is the all encompassing makeup of my life right now.

Tori

you caught me lingering in another girl'sparadise the way she paintsthe world -- I want that in mylifeEmeralds, you should know, are renting in her meadow with a strokebeauty lives how could I resistyou are Desire when it all is saidsaid and done who can Love youand still be standing there's Mary callingup a storm can I take from youand not keep taking naked as dayGemma follows him Does it all come down tothe thing one girl fearsin the night is another girl's paradise through twists and turns Jasmine foxed mein her grove arms filled withHoneybells, St. MichaelsSanford Bloods "you have come to discoverwhat you want" what i want is not towant what isn't mine "But I am Desire"when it all is saidsaid and donewho can Love you andstill be standingthere's Mary callingup a stormcan I take from youand not keep takingnaked as dayGemma follows himDoes it all come down tothe thing one girl fearsin the nightis anothergirl'sparadiseDoes it allcome down tothe thing onegirl fearsin the nightis another girl is another girl is another girl's paradise

very funny Patty.
so anyways, it's friday, I'm going to relax mostly. My mom is coming to take me shopping tomorrow and hang out. that will be fun. hopefully she doesn't make any stupid comments about my apartment now that jez lives there. the dining room is the music room now, it looks really cool. but my mother associates music, tattoos, and piercings with drugs. she can be judgemental like that. when i wear that hat that's in that picture and she comes over and we're going somewhere she always has to say "you're not wearing that in public are you?" please. just something that drives me nuts about her i guess. love her to death but these certain emphasis' on things that shouldn't be so important upset me. i know i've learn some of that stuff, but luckily i don't carry a lot of those mind frames with me.
I don't really have much to say right now, just felt like dropping a blog line. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Happy Kara, yes Happy ME 

Me (left) sitting on the sink with Jez, coming down from a laughter attack 

Jill-O (left) as Cindy Laper and Jez as dead prositute 

Jake the Butcher and Tabbie, the...girl on the couch 

"WHAT?" me in my "Allison Hannigan" costume surprised by the camera 

Xander the devil dog 

I'm going to post some pictures from Halloween, a little late I know, but I haven't had the time to do it yet...okay...that's a horrible excuse and when people say it it's never really true, I just haven't done it. So I find that something is obvious in a voice on the other line from the beginning of the call to the end...slowly the voice sharpens and expands into a hint of bitterness and a cup of salt. haven't seen the face for awhile, only links of texts and sparatic conversations...but when awakened to the mi re do of undertones I become aware. i am the link of sour despite in your mind and interaction. i bring the cold, the dull world i place myself in and the people that make up that place...your progress from apathy to hopeful smiles reverses and I remind you of things you do not want and will not tolerate. Conscious. I realize so many things I viewed were skewed in my role in your world. I don't bring light in the shadowed corners of your heart and head; my friendship does not follow it's path of intentions...like hope and warmth and relief/release. Maybe the idea and want, the other factors and indications, the humanity of relations depicted a reality that was only a vision...only a thought. I followed ruthlessly and determined regardless of obsticles and setbacks because my belief was so REAL to me, in whatever context we were in life, in whatever definition...I was right, I was good, I was using overpowering endearment to fuel my positive progress in breaking through. Thinking, possibly even speachlessness and proximity were helpful. A kind of something you fight to show hope and goodness for as well as fight to keep because this is the rarest treasure anyone could find...something perfect to me in ways impossible to describe in any human language, written or verbal or sign...
A kindred, just like parts you didn't have but parts you were looking for.
So certain...brushing off discretion and discouragement each time, no matter how heavy... and then...find the root of what you're fighting, the demons, the scars, the darkness...deep in the reflection of your own eyes. The subconcious familiarity imbedded deep within that cause your own flaws and frustrations and repetitive cycles. A familiarity that outwardly induced a sense of comfort...that consequently developed illusions of these minds.
and then...I sit back and wonder yet again, which is true? what does my friendship do? am I toxic in the end? (the deepest links are the thickest, and the most cloaked...by fault of no one, only time and psychological profiles 7 parts emotional abnormalities...) so left with these thoughts in my silly little head: self defense is no longer the concern...it's the defense of all around me...the fear of being a cause for distress, disorders, dysfunction. the fear of being anti-all that I long to be.

This is my blog

I've been fooling around with Templates for a while and after messing with the javascript and so on I've found this is the template that is best fitting for me and I won't be changing it anymore. this blog is MINE. i must get home now, been three days, have to clean that place....ugh...don't want to get out of PJs, don't want to go home....but i'm going now...really....bye

okay I'm done!

done with those damn quizes, it was fun though
that pic with the girl and the kitten is pretty, although the discription is a bit...well...gay if you will. I'm off to bed now, must clean and prepare for Jez's arrival and a good good friend is in town as of...lets say around noonish or later, I hope you drive FAST...but not get pulled over fast...it will be good to see you.
and you.
are you ever going to freaking hang out with me or do I have to show up on your doorstep uninvited and out of the blue...because I'll do it I WILL!!!
okay,
love and things :) nite

You are an earth Dragon! You have a knack for
Nature or animals, and are peaceful, careful,
chariming, and optimistic. You can throw a
tantrum now or then, but who doesnt? You value
simple things in life, such as friends,
familly, and Nature.
THE LITTLE LINES BELOW ARE ACTUAL LINKS< I CAN"T GET THEM TO LOOK RIGHT

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by

you're a gaurdian angel. you fight and protect the
people you love and value.
what kind of angel are you?
brought to you by

A:

Your Beauty liesin Innocence. Pure, sweet and child-like. You most
likely look far younger thanyou are and your smile would brighten up anyone's
day. Seen as naive andsheltered, you can be ignorant at times, but for
the most part, it's simply yourreputation preceding you. You are most likely
rather aware of the realities oflife. You are extremely good natured and
trustworthy. By the same token, you area bit too trusting. Be careful, few are as honest
and open as you. You mightseem girlish still with a love of dresses, ponies,
and things most might deemyou "too old for". But this doesn't
bother you. You enjoy your youth and aregoing to make it last. After all you are only as
old as you feel.

Some ThingsThat Represent You:

Element:Light, Wind Animal: Kitten Color:
White, Pink, Pastels Song:Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney
Expression: Innocent Smile

Gemstone:Diamond Mythological Creature: Unicorn
Planet:Moon Hair Color: White Eye Color: Silver

Quote: "Astranger is just a friend you haven't met
yet."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by

not sure how accurate this is: COMMENTS?

You're a very mellow, care-free person. Your
exactly what calm, cool, and collected mean.
You never overreact or panic in a bad situation
and you always know what to do. Everyone goes
to you for advice because you never lose your
head so your very reliable. You tend to take
everything in stride, like in school your moto
is just sit back and relax not to say you dont
pay attention and work, but you dont overexert
yourself. Even though people come to you for
counciling(sp?) you can still be very quite,
your not good with making new friends, but your
extremely close to the ones you have. Remember
its ok to put your emotions out there even
though there is a chance they might get hurt.
Also in school sometimes its good to stress out
a little, just because you think you dont need
to study doesnt mean you should'nt, and also
try to push yourself more even though you might
be good where you are doesnt mean you can,t be
better. Also Please Send Pics!!!

Whats Your Personality(with PICS)
brought to you by

BEAUTIFUL ICE PRINCESS/PRINCE .You need distance
between you and your partner in your
relationship. You are very difficult to get.
You have big requirements and this one you love
must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt
your heart she/he will be the most happy person
in the world. You need someone who shoes you
that you are special and it makes you feel
good to see that you are loved. She/He shall
know that you could easily get another
girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you
love him. when she/he hurts you you will hurt
him too, but in general you dont get hurt. If
your partner cheated you ,you would react cold
and immediately (try to) forget himPLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by and I says and I says to the guy!!!!!!!!!!

You like the sweet, shy type.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by

TAKING THESE TESTS IS REALLY ADDICTIVE I'M SORRY!!

You're a romantic girl. You're kind, caring,
loveing, and peaceful. You spend a lot of your
time dreaming and you're not afraid to express
deep emotion, whether it be in a poem, diary,
or words. You hope for love and affection from
your prince charming. I have a feeling he will
come around soon.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by

you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by

Snowshine

So, I had yesterday off. Showed up to work and was almost immediately sent home due to the weather. Went the The Royal Mile and had some drinks with my boss and coworker/friend. Interesting the was comfort zones appear out of the blue with liquid courage sometimes. I find it hard to keep myself to myself when others seem so comfortable just saying how things are in their points of view; i have to remind myself to shut up sometimes. even that doesn't always work. So i stayed their until about 9:30 when I planned on leaving at 7. But first of all, I didn't want to drive in this crap and I was having a pretty good time. A couple friends showed up. well, new old friends... They seem to spend a lot of time together from what I gather. They are, possibly a repitition of something familiar I once knew...
We fall back into things.
we...understand.
I'm about to get in the shower and ready for work. I'm not drinking at all for a month after this next weekend; starting Monday. Just for fun. I'm not drinking for a month for fun.
Jez moves in this weekend also. i have Friday off but she won't be in town yet; so i will spend the day cleaning and organizing closets and things. Preperation. I didn't volunteer this last Sunday at all; I didn't leave the house in fact... I ordered Chinese and layed around. my place is a mess. I think about Angels in America a lot lately...apparently though, everyone's diseased and dying these days. Some have names to put faces on, some have disregard and time, some have no words, no terms, no ideas but it's still there just the same, formed differently. I'm not sure if that sounds hopeless, because I'm far from a hopeless person...it's just an observation..we just have to...think differently.
that's all.
but that would take too much work for most of us. but I think that if we really wanted to...we could all change our views of life and hows and whys of events.
who knows. i'm just a goof anyway.

one thing I know about people in my life though; i can see taht not all have the best of intentions...and being aware of how they work makes me safer...makes me immune to them in ways because I can see what they're doing whether i play along or not.
on the other hand i see those with the best of intentions; and those with no intentions at all...not sure which of the three of these is the worst or if it even matters. because intentions...become invalid don't they? not meaning to do, say, end up, affect others in a certain way...well...it depends I suppose...on what you learn from your experiences.
I have problems with repitition.
I repeat again.
but I plan to wipe that slate clean and decondition...if that's a word...i'm just a bit introverted and introspective today...not much feeling in here...just thoughts and contemplation and observation. just a detatched snowshiney day.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

i repeat again

are you weary as water in a faucet left dripping with an incessant sadness like a sad record skipping and an ugly and ornery and shadowy dread lurking like a troll under the bridge between your heart and your head she came to and her whole life was how she remembered it she had a mouth full of fur and she was laughing she parked her hearse across three spaces posted motorcycles only and jumped out shouting what the cus could make a nice girl like us feel so lonely?

are you weary as water in a faucet left dripping with an incessant sadness like a sad record skipping and an ugly and ornery and shadowy dread lurking like a troll under the bridge between your heart and your head please dumb blind kind sir lend little miss listless a bit of christmas she's been a real good girl but now she's stuck here the world is so little and still mysterious and ominious as ever before like an unmarked bottle full of pills on the shelf right next to the thing you were reaching for swing the groove 'round here where i can reach it when i get my ass back on track i'm gonna need it swing shift til i get the money to buy me and my baby a moon full of honey then i'm gonna turn the nagging voices inside my head that follw me to bed and say you suck.. blah blah blah are you weary as water in a faucet left dripping with an incessant sadness like a sad record skipping and an ugly and ornery and shadowy dread lurking like a troll under the bridge between your heart and your head she came to and her whole life was how she remembered it she had a mouth full of fur and she was laughing she parked her hearse across three spaces posted motorcycles only and jumped out shouting what the cus could make a nice girl like us feel so lonely? so lonely...are you weary as water... in a faucet left dripping... with an incessant sadness... like a sad record skipping...
if you dig it on the sound break it downno walls up, break it down break it downhappiness spread it all around break it downracism stomp it in the ground break it downso if you dig it on the sound break it downno walls up, break it down break it downignorance stomp it in the ground break it downhappiness spread it all around break it downcheck, who said folk and hip-hop can't matchput us together on the stage and light a matchkaboom, guess who stepped in the roomsweeping you off your feet like we had a broomwith ani difranco and maceoadd a little freestyle flow and who knowsput a little scratchin' into the mixand it's enough to get you high if you need a fixso, if you dig it on the sound break it downno walls up, break it down break it downignorance stomp it in the ground break it downhappiness spread it all around break it downif you dig it on the sound break it downno walls up, break it down break it downracism stomp it in the ground break it downhappiness spread it all around break it downso, if you dig it on the sound break it down

i see a lot of things. here. tonight.
i see that i miss you. but is it for the wrong reasons?
i contemplate my history. look into my past. compare/contrast.
what is it that I do wrong exactly?
i pay attention to the details of events in my relationships.
in my IN LOVE. in my underlying emotions of things.
i see how easy it is to fall back into.
to fall.
to condition conformity comfort.
to routine. because now time has past and things that were initially decisive and clear due to logic and self reflection become skewed in part to emotion and heart, in regards to need and want...in how easily we forget why we do things in the first place.
then...at these times I wonder...
what is it that is the basis for true right and wrong?

which of these things do I take from as fact and wisdom? and which do I discard as confusion, humanity, idealism, irrationality?
want, need, truth, deception, society, codependence, isolation.

what parts, compartmentalizing my ways into decisions.

yet I know not............................I know not what is the true strength in who i am, what I am, where I'm going.
i see force, passion, desire for the things I otherwise shake off as illogic and self gratification of some kind...in lights of lonliness I excuse them for wants of irrationality. in raw emotion I beg for them to be my true path in life.
i know nothing.

i will say it again and again.
I just hope i will find whatever it is I'm looking for.
I see hopeless romance within me...is love fleeting or eternal?
I see all sides.
and know not ONE THING.
I cannot be wise.
only innocent and jaded...
only experienced and ignorant.
not a thing.
i hope this is only pessimism talking... something not long ago...so far from who I am...

Buzz buzz, I am Coffee flavoured.I am popular in the workplace, even though I am often bitter. I am energetic to the point of being frenetic; buzz buzz, out of my way. I tend to overwork myself and need periods of recovery time.(If you were not Coffee you would be Chocolate.)

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity