My mind is skattered right now, but this is my chance to write as much as I can so I'm going to try to take this chance.

lets start with a kara-like phsycological dissective introduction:

There are different kinds of people in the world (okay Miss States the Obvious). There are those that are constantly moving towards goals, future, plans. their thoughts and actions are set ahead of them and they follow the footprints they lay infront of them as precisely as possible. They make decisions based on how those decisions will affect the things they are working towards. They are calculated and organized.

There are then also types who think nothing of their future and constantly live in the now. they make decisions on things that seem right/good/pleasing at the time. their vision of goals and plans are limited, sometimes no further than the clarity of all they can make out in the very place they are and the very time they are there. These people also may not see any consequence of their actions when they make decisions because they are in the NOW. that, however, can very depending on other aspects of the individual. such as their personality, character traits, consideration, emotional state, intelligence, beliefs, and so on. A person who lives only in the moment can just as well consider consequences of their actions due to awareness of others and of environment and of common sense and menality. It basically depends on how much they truly care of the value and worth of their self as wells as those affected by them.

There are of course, then, those many individuals that fall on all levels in between...because we're all entirely individual, as well as exactly the same. But my personal belief on this is that every single individual on earth adds a part to humanity that was not their before they existed. No matter the good bad or grays in between of each person, we are all a part of the world and in some way entirely equal.


I live my life in a series of moments. I have spent SO MUCH TIME detaching from myself and analysing my flaws or quirks or traits of character. So much time that somewhere along the way I lost a connection to my core..."innerself" if you will. Reasons I started doing this were based on the parts of myself that would drive me nuts that I didn't understand that I felt like I had no control over. Other reasons were because of worry: worry about how I affect people around me, people I love, people I CAN affect. Then there were things like over worry of outward perceptions from others, not even always those I really knew...caring too much about what people think...trying TOO hard to do things 'RIGHT' according to other people's views of "right". Shaking off those silly thoughts (or trying to). but not in a healthy way. because I do have genetic and psychological THINGS that could very probably be of no fault of my own. so shaking off those things would subconciously but directly result in further emotional dettachment to OTHER people, and apparently to myself as well. Becoming submersed in determination to get to a point of self awareness that allowed me to be as clear as humanly possible, combined with equal determination of becoming a better person. strong, wise, kind, giving, spiritual, full of love...and many other 'good' visions. i got to a point where I realized, and this was very recent, that you cannot be so dettached from humanity and things and also be able to make what you want; betterment for yourself, life, and those around you; happen. To clean things up, self improve, life improve, WORLD improve you have to be willing to EMERSE yourself entirely in such things. you cannot dettach because of fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of future, fear of love, fear of death, fear of regret, fear of HURTING OTHERS AROUND YOU. you have to embrace and submerge and intake ALL of these fears FULL on like a warrior, like TRUTH and accept the pain will be there, you will feel it at it's peak and it will hurt and it will make you want to run. So. sometimes people realize things moments too late. did I? I still don't know the answer to that. because I have now come to a point where I feel defeated, i feel as though so much time has been thrown away. i feel as though I have willingly crippled parts of myself leaving me UNABLE to get back on the path i was so hopeful to take. There are so many things that seem to hinder me. I live my life in a series of moments, i do not dwell on the past or consume my thoughts with the future. i likewise, take responsibilty for my actions and am aware of affects my decisions have on myself and those around me. luckily i am a type who truly cares for others. But I want to live in my moments and cherish them like they are irrepricable. because they ARE. but there are things I want to fix so badly, things I want to get over and things i need to make better. and i feel trapped. there are extraneous things, family, lifestyle, emotional trauma and certain betrayals that come up recently that pile onto these problems. but I want to beable to do things the right way. the way i have LEARNED "right" to be. entirely involved in who I really am without dettachment or fear. but those are things I feel like I can't control.
Moments become memories and novels and legends. Jade and trauma and dettachment and lies and deceptive routines and abuse and any number of other awful things are the trials human beings face that become definitions for who you really are in the end. Free will and conciounce.
Love and Life.
I just want to become the good of who I am.

This day is becoming the longest day of my life. it should be 11 by now I swear. I often wonder why people have the preceptions they do about some things. Like their own image of self apposed to how they are seen by others...then there are other preceptions like assuming or preceiving a person expresses themselves in certain ways for certain reasons rather than believing they're just being who they are for no reason other than to be WHO THEY ARE. I don't know, there's lots i want to say about a lot of things right now but i'm at work and can't think without being constantly paranoid about getting caught blogging, but this weekend i'm going to be saying a lot I believe.

ding dong ding dong wallla wing wong

i'm a little disgusted with the fact that I just ate a cheeseburger.
first off, it was from the Wells Fargo vending machine.
number 2, it was a CHEESEBURGER (blaaaachhh) which is on the list of things I never eat.
and D, well, the cow was probably decomposing before they decided to haul him away and chop him up into not-so-tasty treats.
"why then, Kara, did you eat this blasted cheeseburger?" you're asking...(I know you are...)
well because some office-a$$ decided it was necessary to STEAL my chicken parmesan from Baratta's that I put in the refrigerator, the same refrigerator that everyone puts their food in with signs all over saying "don't take food that doesn't belong to you" and it could very possibly be that this chicken thief can't read because you don't need much more experience than a trained monkey to do half the processes at my corporate american occupation, but STILL, they KNEW it wasn't thier chicken parmesan. i mean come on, my taste buds were so looking forward to a delicious lunch. now I will probably get food poisoning or mad cow disease or hurrendous flatuation or some other such thing. but security just installed these 30th century cameras so I'm going to catch the culprit. i'm also going to catch the person on the other side of the cubicle that I KNOW hides a vibrator in their pants and hopes everyone shrugs off the noise as a cell phone... one day i'm going to walk by when it's vibrating and say "aren't you going to answer that?" "what kind of phone do you have?" "can I see it?" oh heads WILL turn.

so on another note I was laying in bed this morning and I hear my roomate in the living room saying in a high-pitched gaspy sort of breath, "you're so naughty kitty. my GOD, you're naughty, such a naughty kitty." so I'm thinking "WTF" and i get out of bed and come see what the heck she's doing to one of the cats. She's brushing Mr. K. "OHHHH, knotty" I sighed in relief and flopped back onto my bed. Whew. that was pretty freakin' funny though. she was laughing for a good five after that. I love Mr. K. He's so CUTE, he's my furocious lion. He's going to the kitty doctor Saturday morning because he's all sneezy. I realize that if the neighbors can hear half of our late night/early morning adventures they have probably come to terms with the fact we're a little crazy. I thought maybe Jez and I are a little strange and imaginative at times but then I just snapped out of denial and accepted it: we're nuts. that level we share and connect so well on sits perfectly on the line called "psychosis". but I'm okay with this. so this weekend is Alan's birthday party on Saturday night then sunday is my work director's band's concert at the house of bricks...Friday night is chilling at the "Cryab". so it should be a good weekend which I'm ready for right about NOW. i should get back to work. until next time children.

i would definately have to say i agree with Mr. Random THoughts...
it's all gray area...there's no black and white and people who base their lives on such distinction always end up frustrated and distraught...often leading to trauma, jaded, and worn down phsycological states.
it's all gray area.
religion can be amazing.
FAITH is something that's very important to Me personally...but it's all about being a good person and learning from mistakes, and taking time to really try.
i love the world today, and all the people in it...
who knows why, maybe because I see all the light that there can be in the future.
all that's possible.
Mr. K is a new addition to the familty.
i love him SOOOOOOOO much, he is master contortionist socerer of persia.
he will go with me to Arizona i'm sure of it :)
i cannot WAIT to go to school again.
it will be a time for sure, it will be SO worthwhile and I'm proud of Jez for going to school too...you'll do great :)
i miss a lot of people right now but am also happy to be alone in my car with the music and sunshine.
the HSA will be amazing this year.
I cannot wait for May 26!!!
that's going to be a weekend to remember.
my book is also going to be very...informative...to say the least.
if it ever gets finished...i found an editor though. he's a little pricey but knows publicists...which is a bonus.
the point is not for me to try to make it as a "writer".
the point is only to tell my story...
the truth of it all i guess you'd say.
won't my parents be so proud?
not likely :)
they may actually hide for a couple years...
but it's definitely underway...
back to work for now.

today's been a real hum dinger to say the least. death everywhere...depression, stress of life, love, self.
it all comes falling on top of me today.
last night i spent hours inside my head racking my brain to figure out what's wrong with me. figure out how to fix myself.
how to be normal and...freely myself...
maybe it's just how i am. maybe i must just accept me and forget about making myself someone who can make other people happy.
stop disregarding me.
let all the weirdness that encompasses my thoughts, feelings, and life just take hold and just go with it.
sometimes I just wish I loved myself more.
but if it weren't for one person's smiling face and warm eyes and overflowing love i don't think i'd have been okay today.
thank you for coming home again.
thank you for being you.
i appreciate you so much.
i love you.

mark your calendars kiddies; for the new MSI album release http://www.mindlessselfindulgence.com I can't wait personally. i'm so tired at the moment, had an awesome time last night with my roommate though. we attempted cotton candy making and randomly turned into fiction narrators. it was fun. work sucks. i need a vaCATION! for real. okay. time to pretend to work s'more.

It's V-Day, the Hallmark, Corporate Sponsored "holiday" where people spend money because that's what society says they should do if they love someone on THIS day.
I have to say that Love is definitely a good thing, but you can tell/show those you love that you love them any day of the year.
anyway, short blog, but basically I've decided the only difference between insanity and genius is simply this: Those considered genius are just a lot better at hiding their insanity.
Of course this isn't a black and white statement. Obviously both intelligence and sanity are measured on a large scale.
Went to Creston. My grandma is dying and not very happy about being in the nursing home. I love her. Struggling with my own issues of course but at least I having been adding to them, just sorting them out. I am excited about Arizona. Excited about the summer. Excited to be moving forward. Don't know how everything fits though. My ignorant sense of humor transformed into bitter sarcasm at some transitional point in life. i'm sure it was within the past year.
Well I hope everyone has a Happy day today, whether they "celebrate" or not.

Hello blog. Long time no type. I'm pretty sure whoever sad puppy was...was just someone trying to mess with me. that's okay, I'm over it. No, I haven't typed in a while...Basically I believe it's because I feel that so much simultaneously intertwined with so little...has happened in my life lately. I have these maps, layouts and goals precisely and unsubstantially patterned out in my mind. While I was...initially secretive and unwilling to share most of them I have found that lately, each time the future has been brought up I just lay it out. I state exactly what my plans are and reactions vary. Either I get no response. I get " you don't really know what you'll be doing in a few years anyway, plans change" I get, "I'm proud of you for having these plans"...I get the yeah rights and the I'll see it when it happens.
I get a lot of things. Which is probably why I never wanted to share such...long term goals with people. because it's true, you don't really know what's going to happen. I only know what I hope to accomplish and experience. I know that my current life situation may be far from parallel to my outlook and goals but I know also, the steps to get to where I'm going. The problem I face is the surrealism of my daily life opposed to the idea of what I want, or what I see in my future. They seem to not connect or the reality of it seems far fetched. I see gaps, I see cloaked links, unmeasured processes to take every step necessary to make things work correctly. I feel extraneous doubt dampering my mobility. I should never let these things happen. You cannot control anyone or anything outside of yourself and the path lain before you. yet all influence strikes a chord somewhere and it's self esteem, knowledge, and respect that dictates whether or not I take those strikes willfully or brush them off with independence. The thing is, I am aware. My awareness can be as clear as day yet there are other things that falter...Other unseen elements that cause dilemma. Do I know what they are? well as always, I know NOTHING. I will never know a thing and that remains constant. but I believe that Free Will has a lot to do with my struggle and my future. that goes without saying...I KNOW that...but what I mean is...with someone like myself...It's so hard sometimes...to just tread forward, head high, like a warrior...Many many parts of psychology, humanity, spirituality, conditioning, society, health, environment...they all factor in to what makes ME. They all play a part of where I am going. Maybe I take too much into consideration. Maybe the fact that my faith takes hold in most all things I decide more so than anyone whom is part of my life. More than anyone I see...causes a type of distinction and difference that makes it harder to relate or contemplate vocally because of personality and comfort. Not many around me relate or understand how I see the relationship to my actions and my consequences or the reasons I makes certain decisions I do. All parts of my faith developed almost entirely from my own desire to understand and determination to grow. I had little parental guidance in many things. My parents were so adamant on being open and accepting and understanding. So psycho-analytical and detached...that pure love and hope and faith...were lost in parts and I was lost in places as I grew. I am a liberal thinker for many reasons. but my conservative parts, my certain opinions and beliefs were from my OWN self sought knowledge and logic. Yet certain parts of who I am and certain things i come to believe conflict with each other leaving me lost and confused. I am, in whole, curious and inquisitive and ignorant of life. Yet not so that I'm unaware of these things. I understand so much yet so little, it doesn't connect. I find myself understanding all types of people I come in contact with so readily, so clearly...yet understanding myself only partially and with little confidence. I can tell so much about a person by very little willfully given information... I can read people, subconsciously determine how they are, what they're about, issues, trauma, and many other things. I could practically write a book on each person I come across. And my interest in people is great, so no matter how they are, I don't get bored learning of them...there may seem to be underlying narcissism in things i say like that...but I'm not being egotistical or any such thing...it's just a part of me I know to be true and egocentricity is not part of my character really because I will back down quickly if there is someone adamant about arguing a null and void point they wish to make; because I understand that people like that won't listen anyway, so why waste my breathe? I see a lot of people around me seemingly aware...self-centered in that way...full of answers yet completely disregarding the fact that their own life situations proves nothing of what they state...and why would one take advice of another whom seems just and unhappy and lost? that makes NO sense to me. anyway...they whole point of this self reflection, self-journey, search for self and answers of truth and so on and eccetera is only this: I still don't know shit. but I feel a little closer to taking the right steps to moving forward in my own little life, and making of it what I can, with...what I have. damn it's late. tooooooo much rambling. i have no idea if any of this makes sense to anyone...but it feels good to write it out.

I thought sad puppy was someone whom apparently it wasn't. i want to know who it is though. I will post more soon, too much to say right now.