can i puke on your blog please?

response to Tye

this is a response to a recent blog post of a blogger I've read for quite some time now. His post was about lying and how natural it is for everyone and it's how we all work. His point wasn't that lying is good but disclosing little is a very good thing; especially when it comes to dating. My response is this:
why wouldn't you want to know about that person you're seeing, wouldn't you want to know theiur secrets, their history, their life? that's what makes us. disclosing little only prolongs the "getting to know phase"...which may be your piont, it may be that is the only part you like and things beyond that are too much. it is also obvious that you don't want anyone to know you fully...which is a feeling i relate to but at the same time; why keep secrets that will later come as a shock and ruin everything in the end? because you chose to keep it inside? isn't the point of a relationship to know that person fully because you want to be with them? because you want to be the biggest part of their life? I understand not putting it all out on the table on the first date; but if that connection is there then why not further your knowledge of one another? it's just my opinion I know, but i wanted to respond to it because...lying isn't a good thing I don't believe, in any way, shape or form...although we're all guilty I think it's important to try to be honest in all the ways you can be and to make right our outward lies by being straight forward in the end...it's scary to think that someone you like, someone you care about, or someone close to you, isn't at all who they portray themselves to be because they hide so much. It's just my point of view.

I am aware that I am many different things.
I have been aware of this for awhile but I am now accepting that I cannot fit into any mold that I see, or anyone else sees as appropriate.
I can only strive to be who I want to be, to have what I want to have, and to do all I want to do. In this life
But ever part cannot come together in one desire or leap or effort.
It all takes patience and self understanding..
It takes elf exploration and outward effort.
It takes the entire journey of life to constantly try to get become more of who you see as the perfect you for this world.
As perfect as possible
As loose the term can be used.
Because we’re all only human.
I am not anyone but who I am…
And I will always be who I am
I will just add colors to the person I’m becoming.
For the rest of my life.
I can get frustrated at not being all I want right now.
Just enjoy the process and accept the walls that pop up in my paths.
There isn’t one path.
There are infinite paths each with 2 options or outcomes...
But many more beyond each one,
To get to where I want to be.

Really...I believe, that I just want to pull you from your world completely.
and pull myself from my own.
and travel to a new place.
where we came make something new
and complete.
some place....we can call home (call our own) and be proud...and be whole...and honest...
that way, all these little things that seem to get in the way of getting anywhere become obsolete.

become nothing more than a memory or idea, because they aren't part of what we've created.
they are the things left to the rest of the world.
things left, disregarded.
things unnecessary.

we do not need...or want.
things only displayed as distractions,
things only interpreted as excuses.

excuses as to why great war and reward can be shrugged off as imagination, as ideal...too piped in dreams to ever be real.
our lack of faith and hope pining finely into definition as to why things cannot change.

and these things.
and these things...


left scattered,
thrown to the wind...

these road blocks
these mind tricks
these conditions.
these realities.
this life.

completely washed free of.
scratched freshly to an empty canvas.
clean slate.

pure.
endless possibilities previously leaning us towards frustration of being expected to pick an oil. to pick a color. to pick a backgroud. a road. to preemptively understand the point of end the beginning would push us towards.
washed clean of understanding.
of experience.
of truth memory may have served time and again.
a begining so new and unfamiliar that we know not what color is red. know not what texture is paint. know not what use the size variety some brushes may serve.

know not our own fingers.

know not our own tendencies.

know not our own language but create one from the simplicity of human understanding.
create explanation from the innocence of our hearts.
save only what we cannot control.

our purpose.
our growth.
our transformation from young and unaware to wise and unprepared.

everything entirely fresh...
yet comforted in pockets of soulful knowledge and intrigue.

back inside our closet doors.
within the cushions we create in our defense.

all these walls
all these puzzles
all intentional misinterpretations turn inessential.
we are merely born anew.

with nothing but ourselves and each others' capability to conquer this battle.
yet not one single clue as to the essence of where we came from, what we are made of, where there is begining and when there is end.
clueless blind and entire.

pulled from both worlds into our own dawn.

we are born together; into a life...
fit only for us to conquer completely, as one unit.
as one capable
willing
and flawless force.
we are the derelict detachment
produced form points we have never touched.

and in our new beginning
we are faced with a journey
demeritorious to nothing but curiosity and confusion.

we sink our toes into the fresh ground.
arm in arm.
I watch us waltz away.
and we are perfect.

Life of a Porcelain Princess

a little door
for a little doll
a little room
windowless walls.
a little comb
for her little head
a little snore
in her little bed.
a tiny crack
in her tiny neck
whistling wind
increasing wreck.
a little fray
a little pull
a bit of soup
in her little bowl.
a lot of time
in her little life
to dream
to sleep
side a little knife.
a touch of sound
outside the door
a hint of hope
shone on the floor.
a twitch
a gasp
a shrug and turn
a little flame
a lot of burn.
aging thread
an ounce of dust
tiny sprinkles
consumed by rust.
a teensy lock
invisible key.
small tears and teeth
will set her free.

Maybe the night is still velvet and stars glistening
Maybe now everything has changed But I'm still wishing
Maybe though no one Can hear me There's someone listening
Maybe my heart works just as well With a part missing
I'm a part of the woman I used to be
Don't know what's become of the rest of me
Did I leave her there with you?
Maybe the wind against the house Is my own confessing
Maybe the falling darkness now is my love undressing
Maybe the rain upon my skin Is a sweet soul-kissing
Maybe the one that I've become Doesn't need what's missing
I'm a part of the thing by which I was defined
But it's absence I don't mind
Did I leave it there with you?
I'm a part of the woman I used to be
Don't know what's become of the rest of me
Did I leave her there with you?

Gloomy and Cold

Image you are given a type of treasure you weren't expecting at all, you weren't necessarily in search of it or wanting it in anyway, but it shows up one day out of the blue. It is locked tightly in a glass box. there's no door, there's no key. it sits in front of you day in and day out. at first you understand it's there but you don't look at it closely at all. it sits still, and you pass it constantly looking out of the corner of your eye; always knowing it's there. Then you sit one day. and you stare at the treasure. you start to feel it, and become aware it will be there just the same tomorrow, as it was today. inside the glass. you can't take it out. you can't touch it with your hands. you can only sense it's presence with your heart and your mind. this is how you see it, this is how you start to know it. you become more curious as to why it's there. Someone floats into the room and like a dream speaks to you. "You must watch over this treasure while it is inside this box. You must protect it and stay with it day and night, do your best to keep it safe. but know that one day will come when it will disappear. After all this time under your protection it will fade from the box and out of your care. While you spend all your time getting to understand it completely you must know that you will never, in your life, get to touch it. It will stay inside the box; and then it will be gone." The presence floats away just as it came and you're alone again, with the gift right in front of you. You are angry. You want to walk away now and leave it to someone else. you want to close your eyes and sleep it off. but you wake it's still there, so you want to go on without knowing it's there at all so you won't know it when it's gone. so you won't feel a loss as it if never arrived. you don't know how long it will be there. you don't know how long you have to keep shrugging it off. you want it to be an illusion. you want it to be a joke. you want to treasure to be made of something else, an imitation, imagination. then you wonder if what you were told could have been a lie as well, or misinformation, or a mistake. so you're torn on trying your hardest to keep the gifts safe selflessly without hope of ownership someday. or to keep them safe with the hope of the opposite. or to try harder to make what you learned less likely, and to cherish it and try your best to make it yours someday. you contemplate your options and you're left alone with the box. You know all the possibilities and the presence whispers in your ear as you drift off to sleep "if you hope to open the gift at the right time it may happen, but know that if it works, you may vanish instead." Jolting awake you look around your room and there is no one there. You Scream: "Are you a demon? Are you a Gaurdian? Are you simple harsh logic that toys with my head?" You don't know why you are left with these choices, but you know you're left with them and time to wait. Wait for more answers, more possibilities, or for decisions left to power out of your own hands. A helpless feeling settles in your soul and you weep. You're asked to give your love freely. You're told that love will float away in the end without a thing to remind you of it. You cry out to the Heavens for answers, you beg, and you plead, and you don't stop until your tears run dry and your voice is lost and your throat is harsh. The sun comes up and an Angel comes into your selfmade prison you no longer allow yourself to leave. You look up at him, weak, and disbelieving. "Hope and love are your two strongest secret weapons." He says. He retreats. You're unsatisfied but aware your voice was heard. You rest peacefully through the day. When you wake you're ready to make the best of all choices you are given, to seek answers. Hope and love. You let down the walls and move slowly forward in faith.

Wuhpssshhhhh

deleted.

I am not loving my job at all irght now. which is where i'm at. because I'm doing this brainless job that actually HURTS my brain because...well it just sucks. i haven't written in here forever because i haven't had access to a computer. I'm so sleepy. this whole week has been a braindead, I want to sleep it away, week. my birthday's next tuesday but I decdied I'll have a little get together Saturday night because I haven't ddone anything too social lately and i like my apartment, and i like company AT my apartment. it won't go too late because I'll want to crash at some point and I'm sure if very many people come, which I'm assuming NOT, that they will go out to the bar or something. I invited some people from work and a couple other friends but nothing like last year,k because I don't even really talk to those people at all anymore. at least not even half of them. I'm going to go home tonight and go to the gym at my complex and work out. maybe I shouldn't work out so late, maybe that's why I'm so tired, maybe I should wake up early and work out but that's so hard. ugh blah. I'll probably start at hu hot in a couple of weeks but I'm not positive. as you can see my brain is very much on the surface of any real thought. I'm just drifting in and out of conciousness right now at work. This plae is very GREY. I need spend time going out and doing more things during the day. okay I'm done.

I just want to say that the damn pop-up blocker wouldn't allow me to check the spelling of what I just posted (my continuing little story I'm writing) so don't make fun of all the spelling errors please, cuz that's not very nice.

A few years past and Madeline had been place to place, growing and accomplishing not slightly less than miracles. Joining lives, nursing grief. Sharing a body with someone was the only time she would feel and understand the makeup of the person wholly; each part of who they are. Madeline cherished this as her greatest joy on earth due to her love of mankind. She believed it the best way to help at times, at times the only way. As a little boy she felt the love from his father as he stared into his son's eyes and smiled. As an old woman, the heartache from her husband as he held her arm and watched her final rest. As a college man, fear of rejection and failure and life. She was with them sharing it all, unbeknownst to them, she was making it better.
There WERE rules. Madeline never crossed boundaries and never stayed passed her time of guidance. It was clear where her place was while she wathced them and clear was her place inside them as well. The memories were theirs'. The experiences theirs'. And the warmth she brought and gave to them they kept as theirs' likewise. She served as light, hope, heart, and clearly saw the difference of herself to them.
Undefeated and emaculate; Madeline shown no more signs of age but her beauty grew as her would be endless journey perdured.
Only a few short years. A blink. There, Madeline noticed below in this midsized city, a familiar glow. She coasted closer, a flouresent green unbrella, clearly oversized, wove it's way through cars, people and wind. It was covering a woolen coat, which was covering a girl. It was a cold Indian Summer. As the unbrella lowered, automatic doors slowly opened from a large shipping factory. The face buried in the coat was uncovered and there she was. Older, a bit of makeup, long light blonde, dressed clearly to impress. Her attire and expression proclaimed determination and capability. If Madeline had been an old schoolmate she would never have recognized Ivory from an auslander. To Madeline, the girl was undeniably quite the same. She saw no difference, no surprise of maturity or change.
Ivory was more experienced, more knowledgeable. She shook hands with an apparent secretary of the establishment.. Ivory had a folder and pen in hand. A job interview. Madeline felt excitement to have come upon the girl at such an anxious moment. There must be more this girl needs. Madeline could not ask to help a more worthy heart again. She had often recalled Ivory and the startling intensity she had felt to understand the girl's world within the world. There were always those whom etched slightly deeper than others in Madeline's memories.
Madeline floated about the interviewer, hovered in circles around them both. "This girl is perfect. She gets the job. This job is just right for this girl" breathed Madeline in her booming whisper. She danced around them, smiling, giggling. The chimes on the edge of the woman's cabinets slightly sang to Madeline's movements. Madeline listened as well, and learned plenty just from the conversation. Ivory's achievements, goals, and even her current home. Madeline sensed a hint of denial in Ivory's voice. A season of lies, a cloud of disbelief, and the haunting return to lack of rest. Ivory had been praying daily and attending church for a couple of years now, all on her own. Meeting people, gaining love and trust within her family. HIRED, she got the job. They shook hands. Ivory left and walked to a car. It was no longer raining and someone was picking her up. Madeline entered the backseat, unnoticed.
The man picking up Ivory was large and bearded. To the passing eye he would have appeared as grough and uninviting. Madeline saw the softness in his eyes. Caring, inquisitive, aimless, lethargic. Ivory and the young man chatted of Ivory's victory. The girl's voice was more relieved than excited. Glad that's over with. The couple stopped at a small diner for burgers. Madeline observed their interaction with one another. The man chatted of his work, college classes, family, leisure activities he was currently enjoying with friends. Ivory's face showed interest as she listened. Very deceptive. For her mind was glazed with many other things than what this boy had to say. Sprinkled with nods and thoughts of why does he talk about these things that mean so little? The pointless rambling passed through her ears like wind. The love they shared was that of devotion on his end and complacents and covienience on hers. Madeline focused intently on Ivory's eyes. Still missing pieces. Confusion. After encountering faith she still had yet to find her own heart. Mistakes. More illusions of what's and why's, yet outwardly viewed as proud and on a clear path to her goals.
Madeline's focus shifted to memories of Ivory and her present companion. William. They met before Ivory had even graduated yet he'd been done with school for a few years already. Becoming friends through mutual friends. Moving away from the farm town simultaneously and reaqaunted in this city. She felt directionless as much as he showed it. In her darkest, lonliest times he alone brought her safety and comfort. All else was chaos for many months. He loved her romantically above all others; yet he found it hard to show; affection being something he was never wise to. She knew his love though, without words she understood. Through their relationship she learned unexpression and passiveness. They had begun a small life together in a poor neighborhood, in a small two bedroom apartment. For months they worked all hours to make ends meet and afford simply survival. She lacked passion for him yet depended on his friendship. He lacked interest in the journey of life yet depended on her kindness and love. They quarrelled, laughed, fell into routines of work and small conversation. She desired passion, inspiration, and determination but had very little of all these things. He was content in staying the way they were. She was not. After some time Ivory moved out and began a new journey; but William followed, deciding against his own interests, that maybe he did want something more as well. He conformed to her path in order not to lose her. Still lost but fedup with her own indecisiveness, Ivory chose to settle, for the time being, for her seemingly easiest route to actually getting somewhere in life. William showed the entirety of his love for the first time on the day she told him goodbye. Now here they were, eating burgers as casual friends, William's continuous failed attempts at winning her back wer becoming a nucence.
Stuffed to the gills with understanding of this relationship, Madeline turned all of her focus back to Ivory. She saw the depths of all that Ivory was yet it seemed to be locked inside, and shadowed. What does she need? But Madeline was blessed with the gift of clarity and it had never failed before. Something was wrong. What is my purpose here, she MUST be it. She hadn't had to focus so intently before. Perhaps I'm trying to hard. Frustrated, Madeline continued along with the broken friends as William let Ivory off at her residence. Madeline stayed just long enough to catch Ivory's apartment number and left Ivory for the time being.
The tired Angel wandered the city, watching traffic, watching junior football practice, watching restaurants fill up and empty, watching bars drain and families pray. Struggling to see anything crisp as the sun, yearning for attestation. She had not struggled in all of her decades as she was now. Terrified and confused she turned to her Father for help. Through the hustle and bustle of the streets, through alley fights, gang violence, murder, addiction, poverty, and apathy, through the darkness of her closed eyes Madeline could see ONLY Ivory's gaze, her pale blue irises, and her piercing silence.

what is my deal? I'm so freaking excited about life lately...I get ideas and I have like a bunch of sticky notes all over my room with just...ideas of things, stories, camping, adventures, money... I have so much positive energy and I want to emerse (sp?) people with the goodness I feel and just make them smile!!! :) smile. laugh. cry. love. read. explore. philosophise. create. be. play.

no it's not a commercial for verbs. sorry. I'm such a nerd. but a happy one. and that DEFINITELY can't be bad :)

Someone asked me if I loved him a little. I told him it was a strange question. It was to me, until I understood. I wasn't sure if he was trying to get me to say something I knew I shouldn't, if he was being... humorous...intoxicated. He texted me the question at 5 in the morning so I assumed it was just that...and nothing else but he asked again so I really had to think. I haven't answered him. I am a very loving person as long as the word "love" isn't taken out of context. Love can be an abundance of things when, at the same time it is only ONE thing. There is unconditional love though. We have it in family and friends we consider family as well. I know that he and I see love differently, completely. So when I answer he will take it as whatever form he believes love to be and not it's only form I see...there to be. It's not hard for me to love the world and humanity. When it comes to individuals expecting it from me or, wondering and waiting...that's when it's harder.
On a different note, I find that volunteering is a really good way to meet people. At least for me. People with similar ideas about the world. People who branch out and just do things because they have the time. It's good. I rather enjoy it. Each Sunday morning, well, at noon, I will be volunteering and I'm checking out the Big Sisters program in Des Moines too. Not only will that be helpful to the community but it will also be helpful to me when I get into social work, they'll see I actively took interest. The only thing I have to do is keep my system clean. Which is good anyway :)
That's where I met J. He's a nice boy. Well, he's not quite a boy, he's a police officer lol. But I didn't know that until yesterday morning. He doesn't wear his uniform to volunteer. We got on the topic of jobs, and i was a little shocked. He asked me if I was going to run away now...or if he should find a different church. I just told him he didn't look like a cop (good one Kara, just great)...he just laughed. But I'm definitely not giving him my blog address...not yet or for a while anyway... that was a mistake I've made too many times meeting people off the bat. I want to do more volunteering, find other things I can do because I just started and now I'm like; addicted. It really makes you feel good, you know? Saint Anthony's is next Sunday or maybe the next I'll have to check, but they also sponsor (if that's the word) other food pantry's not just out of that specific church but in other buildings as well.
Still feels like there's a fight within me about my own place in the world but I'm getting there.
There's someone I notice, whom shares very similar feelings as the ones I profess here. That leaves for a bit of intrique...

I don't know why that posted so much. I'm out of minutes on my phone again. This is a pain in the butt...getting more minutes etc. I should go do that though.
Sorry for my comments last night (you know who you are)
I wasn't...trying to be mean or anything. I was being honest, I could have gone about it differently.
Okay.
bye bye.

I'm starting an "anti-erectile enlargement drug" campaign.

it's funny how people really think they know you when they never see you, understand you, or put themself on your level at all. They see not the things you've accomplished, the ways you've grown, or all the good things about you...the bad things or even perceptions blown out of proportion flash in their face for self defense and the fact that they are just negative. what you've done for them and how you loved them doesn't matter. self improvement doesn't matter. Faith, loyalty, honesty, struggle and hard work doesn't matter. the image of what you were more than a year ago replaces your presence and they keep it there as their own truth...for reasons you'll never know. because you can't try and show someone when they don't want to see. that kind of effort only hurts you in the end. even if you've already been hurt to such an extent...in ways they're right because you'd continue to put yourself out their knowing pain is a large possibility, to try and make them happy. so I'm the fool. I am the weak and unintelligent. the flighty. the immoral. i am the apitamy of all that is wrong in humanity. "oh but you're hearts good" for what it's worth...obviously nothing.

what happened to my blog? Why is everything down below the archives now? that's annoying. 249 bush 242 kerry. This is really fun to watch, all the reporters are sleep depted and anxious...so are the people watching...I'm pretty sure Bush will win. That's just my own perception...I'm not sure what to think. I know who I voted for. And my decision wasn't agaisnt any candidate. Just FOR one. That's the whole point. I hope people get that. But I'm pretty sure most don't because that's the way we think here...in America these days. The 18-24 year old vote is higher than it's been in...FOREVER...pretty much...and I'm iffy about how I think about that too. It's good to vote yes; as long as you know who, why, and what you're voting for...as long as you're doing it knowledgeably...(is that a word)...okay but you know what I mean. I'd rather have someone who doesn't know what's going on and doesn't care NOT vote than vote because voting is important. If you take the time and actually care about any issues...vote. If not...just leave it alone please and let people who really care...act on what they want. I used to get pissed at people for not voting. but now that feeling has been changed a bit. I really did research this time...second time voting in a big election, I am, after all, only 22...but I really knew what I was voting for this time...I spent nights reading all about things candidates have voted on, things they've said...mostly looking on certain gov web sites...because media leans very obviously in certain ways, but the media isn't fooling me so...I had to do it all on my own. I won't post who I voted for; but I will say, no, it wasn't him. lol. Pay attention, if you want a voice it's the best time to use it I suppose, but PAY ATTENTION...and know your values. That's the main sway of my decisions... reasonable hypothesis mean nothing to me. It's the overall human being...just like me and you...and all of the rest of America/Mankind etc...that I decide on. But maybe I'm just unorthodox. I think I just...care. There were a lot of important things to vote on this election...hopefully we didn't forget that...

I feel bad when I repeatedly say no when someone asks me to go somewhere or hang out with them. I just think my timing is always off at the times they ask...like I had just made previous plans or I'm not feeling in the mood to be social or whatnot. But it's not that I don't want to hang out with you, I like your company. Our conversations are never boring lol. But a little warning is good... you company IS GOOD! :)

I'm so sleepy right now. I find myself surprised each time I get a comment on my blog.. Mainly because I usually just feel as though people don't understand half of what i feel. When I feel that someone may actually relate...it feels good and...gets my curiosity going. I'm seeing the reality of this life I'm leading now...I know exactly what's going on but I'm not exactly sure what to do right now...maybe I'm just suppose to wait for something for once.. who knows. I do know that I miss someone a lot. But I also know that there's only so much one can do to stay a part of someone else's life. Otherwise you're just forced to love from afar. Which I can do...but I know the other party involved would be happier if it wasn't from such a far. But that's no longer my decision to make. I do know one thing. I'm not f'ing around anymore. When it comes to love that is. I'm done with sewing oats...I'm done with any sort of iffyness, any process or...wet feet...I'm not playing anymore. I'm so freaking picky that I'm most likely screwed but I don't care. I'm not here to play games. I can lay it all out on the table. Most people can't handle that. Most love interests couldn't ever handle me anyway lol. But I'm not really looking for anyone to handle me either. I just know that when the time comes for me to be involved fully, regardless of who it ends up being with; it's not going to be a frivilous vacation...the real deal is what I want. That is SCARY. seriously it freaks me out because it's so...not me...ever. but I'm NOT f'ing around. LOL. (I want to be madly in love....have you ever tried that, without the MADLY?) it's reality. with great highs come great crashes. Since love is about the most important thing we have on this earth, I'm not about to settle for anything of replication or imagination. I know what love is; I've got a lot of it right here. We'll see if I'll ever get to share it wholey with another. I'm not itching to throw it at just anyone. I'm reserving it. To emurse fully...with someone. lol. I'm such a geek sometimes. Where the hell am I going? Who knows. I'm a ramble grumble stumbling nit wit. Lack of sleep leaves for interesting gaps of thought.

Once there was Madeline. Fierce, flawless, and innocent. She set forth on earth, a messenger from Heaven. She traveled openly through the world, guided by God's light, unafraid, and in many ways unaware. Her purpose was always clear. The light always shone bright. Meeting others like herself; angels and archangels. Wiser, inspiring, they taught Madeline of reason and accuracy; of why the paths she ventured were clear- and of why she was special. They all shared in her love. Madeline worshipped each day like a child, and together...Like children. Joy among Angels was aplenty- Joy with Madeline in worship lit sparks in the others that went beyond joy itself. In human comparison much like that of a younger sister to hundreds of older children whom appreciated Madeline's gifts with respect, loyalty, and protection. Some of them were so eager to teach her all they knew. Madeline never argued, she always wanted to learn. But, like others, her purpose WAS clear. Many purposes at that. Learning was always a joy, but the light would not dim, and Madeline remained in motion.
Much of Madeline's happiness was kindled from being with her kindred spirits; but she found a particular intrigue in Humans that others lacked. Most knew of humanity and earth of course. They questioned little and contemplated differently than Madeline. Their hearts were with mankind but the level of interest differed. Everything was knew and amazing to Madeline; no matter how time passed. She knew the light flowed through these lives for reasons. Her eyes were always being caught and her fights granted her power to look at each detail more closely. Fierce; yes, she was strong. Curiosity would consume her at points, and this...She never fought.
Samuel often told Madeline not to linger too long in the lives she watched over and blended into. Though she respected and adored Sam, she would not obey such silly requests. Lingering was what she ALWAYS did, she found joy in it, and believed it gave her more knowledge of the human heart. She felt beyond their hearts and intentions; into different aspects and depths of people she came to know. She had the gift of interaction. This was the most precious to her. Madeline could interact like the rest of them; yes, but she had a power to become the life of those passing before her. Before they passed entirely. She could keep them safe and help them through the darkest, most hopeless times. When they could not see her guidance; she would enter into them and keep them going, for it would not be their time to leave the world yet. She could ease pain. She could show hope and faith.
With God's gifts come reason, and though she questioned reason she knew the boundaries. She knew risks and had the ability to make precise decisions. Her greatest joys were in other's happiness, hope, and triumph. Stalling had the possibility of becoming a danger; but she also knew she could fix anyone. Right as rain.
Presently sitting on an old grey couch, in her feathers and flesh; Madeline remembers Oscar. In a pub. Twelve beers down and all the preztels he could eat. No hope. No point of existence any longer. Drowning daily in liquor and fantasy. Dead wife. Ashamed children. Madeline walked into the bar, catching glances. That man steals wallets and identities. The bartender is stoned and oblivious. The new grandfather sitting by the door is staring at my ass (chokes on his drink). Madeline sits at the table with Oscar. Staring stunned yet somewhat expectant, "can I get you a drink?" "no thank you" she takes his hand and her warmth melts all the force and strain that keeps Oscar upright day to day. "what's wrong?" Madeline asks and Oscar begins to weep. Out pours eight years of past. Madeline feels all the sadness, pain, loss. She is with him through every moment and she is with him now. His unbearable baggage lifts lighter and he can stand. Hand in hand centered in the pub, the two of them tall and straight...Relieved. Oscar curls in for a hug. She holds him a moment and as he loosens Madeline lets go. Oscar exits the bar with a smile. Thinking of him now, Madeline traces Oscars path. Supervisor of construction. Reunited with his children. New life. Renewed faith. Thousands before just the same, thousands after as well. Madeline knew then. Back in the time of Oscar and so many others. Madeline knew. She found pride in her purpose. She could touch people through and through. Pure as platinum. Experience helped Madeline to be more precise of course and also helped her not to wander to easily.
With disregard now for age and time. Intuition. On the sofa. Outstretched. Madeline contemplates a way to fix this place. She thinks back vividly to the beginning of the earthy path she threw herself to. So much time to think of alteration...The only answer she knows she must find.
************************************************************************************

There came a time when Madeline passed through a town. She had ran across this town time and again. She enjoyed it's simplicity and the unity of the families dwelling there. She had played with many children in the town. Shown paths for many troubled adolescence. She prayed in the homes of those too elderly to get outside. She helped the doctors of the hospital find faster ways to get critical patients to bigger cities. Saving lives; God willing. She helped in the schools. She helped on the farms. Madeline ventured to countless places countless times; this town held a special place in her heart.
Floating above the high school one day, Madeline noticed a girl. In cap and gown and smile, she was clearly ready to move on the bigger things. Madeline watched; surprised at her own abrupt stop. Nothing too outstanding about the girl. Quiet, plain. Dirty blonde hair, on makeup or jewelry like most girls in this school wore. Her eyes were big and bright; but tired. That smile she wore was painful. The effort the girl was putting into the smile weighed on Madeline's wings. Disappointed about her graduation? No, she had been ready for this her whole life. Sad to move on? No, she wanted to leave right away. Madeline drew closer; watching more intently. Her mother and father were proud. Her friends gathered around her in laughter and excitement. The ceremony had ended; though the girl nervously kept her cap on, took it off, put it on again. Madeline concentrated on her eyes. They were distant, behind them a thousand thoughts, stories, dreams, fears. Memories. focus. They were tangled and distorted, with gaps and illusions..Terror...pain...There was triumph there as well. This triumph was clouded by exhaustion and sadness. A sadness created by images Madeline had seen before in people. Images that were deceiving and far too often overpowering to the weak. How is it that she is just a child? Barely eighteen? No experience of other places. Not even on her own yet. No where close to finding her place. Yet she has conquered battles and saved lives and mastered an art form... She brought people together time after time. She had been saved by miracles. Madeline was entranced by the girl. Just a girl. The Madeline saw. She does not SEE the triumph of her battles nor the bravery of her own heart. She sees only the defeat of what was lost and the pain of staying alive. The cloud of images left no window of hope and little of Faith. The girl needed clarity.
Madeline let the girl be for the moment. Left her with family and friends and celebration. Then later appeared that night, by the girls bedroom window. On the bedpost was a plastered footprint which said Ivory. It was suiting for her skin tone and talent. Madeline waited as Ivory drifted to sleep. She then entered the bedroom. Each time she entered an enclosed area she would infold her wings so they weren't visible, they spanned too far to fit indoors of most buildings. She knelt next to Ivory and said a prayer. She touched Ivory's eyelids with her fingertips and placed her warm palms softly on each of Ivory's temples. Ivory began to dream. Madeline replaced the fog and illusions with hope and enlightenment and a hint of her own love. Madeline felt Ivory's tense body loosen as she finally began to really rest.
Ivory woke the next day refreshed, with a sincere smile, with gratitude and a new found faith in God. She saw in the mirror that some previously obvious scars were healing and as she sat to practice her writing therapy she found it no longer an effort. She now had hope that her battle wounds were temporary and she could become again what she once had the potential to be. This was a good day. Madeline secretly kissed Ivory on the forehead and went on her way, satisfied.
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Okay so, that's basically the beginning of the story. I know I need to extend my vocabulary a lot and I'm not the best at writing lengthy stories but I know exactly what's going to happen. I've written more but will just post this for now.

too much not enough too much chaos. you don't know me. not enough noise. you don't see me no matter how naked you look away too much noise you turn on the headphones and focus on your screen and bite away...you bite bite away at me like annoyed and ruined...dirtying up our connection so filters fade farther you fall off of me and break break out down to nothing breaking nothing but my shell i'm out out. I'm out.

This is noise, this is curse, this is talk, this is red, this is pale, this is ache. this is last, this is slow this is shock, this is thrown, this is fire, this is break, this is snow, this is witch, this is spell, this is cut, this is final. this is fine, this is moon, this is tide, this is hell this is hers, this is theirs, this is mine. Feels like storms, feels like thunder feels like storms, feels like I'm going under. Here comes the slow going here comes the pain I fade Out like a ghost, and run out like the rain All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed. All you know of' heroines IS what you read. Burn. Bleed. There's a reel, red howling, down my hall I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. There's a reel, red bowling, down my dark hall I was everything you wanted now I'm nothing at all. All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed All you know of heroines is what you read. Burn. Bleed. Nail my knees together this time it's not about you. You have no power here, you don't know what I need I'm giving in, I'll get there in a box turn away, now let your legends bleed. There's a red, red howling, down my dark hall I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. Drag a slow line down my leg to my mouth from my thigh show it to the police and the priests so you can say that you tried. There's a red, red howling, down my dark hall I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. There's a red red howling, down my dark hall. I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. I'm half alive, barely worth keeping. I rule the bed, soon I'll wake up sleeping. Feels like storms, feels like thunder feels like storms, feels like I'm going under. Here comes the slow going, here comes the pain. I fade out like a ghost, and run out like the rain. This time it's different, this time it's close this time it's between the spine and the skin. All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed. All you know of heroines is what you read. Burn. Bleed.

Dawn of the dead makes my eyes twitchy and shifty and I can't blink. and now I'm going to have dreams of brains and guts...that's...well I don't want to sleep now.

So you've become everything you've hated and dictated against? Is that what I'm hearing/seeing? So you want to say something at random moments...always you want to say something but say nothing...ever. Hate yourself. Your life. Your choices. Your friends. Your heart. Hate everything...about yourself...intentionally? maybe? Aware but inactive? Because what can you do? what what what CAN you do? A lot. You say nothing. But really...it's a lot...it's all on you and that's why you reallocate your responsibilities and actions to other sources and extraneous circumstances. When you knew all along that those are the things that DO NOT MATTER...and what you're ignoring are the things that matter the most.
ON the APPOSING SIDE...
You find it frustrating that you KNOW exactly who why and what you are meant for...you see your purpose clearly but what you DO NOT see is a remedy...a path to get to the solution...You thought (in the beginning) that blantent reason/end result would make it easy. That this kind of clarity meant fast and precise victory..what you did not take into account was...well...people and circumstance of course. If you can't make it clear to them without breaking the rules...if they don't understand; therefore standoff and backstep from you and what you're trying to do...it adds complications and branches off into MORE...puzzles...solutions and contemplation. So it's not so easy...taking it this way...but you know it's the best way so you have GOT to do it in that way...the BEST you can.

Tony's book of One liners: it's got a rapid start...I think it'll be more like a dictionary of Tonyisms. The end.

we get bored with being normal. Sometimes we just get sick of it.

She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
If they laugh, they make money.He's got a gold watch.She's got a silk dress And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.

She doesn't careWhether or not he's a good man.
She doesn't care,Just as long as she still has her friends.
She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
If they laugh, they make money.He's got a gold watch.She's got a silk dress And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she gets what she wants
She puts the rest on a trayIn a zip-loc bag.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she get what she wants
She puts the rest on a trayIn a zip-loc bag in the freezer.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
If they laugh, they make money.He's got a gold watch.She's got a silk dress And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
-cake

Oral defecation.

Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year I WAS HERE I WAS HERE Whipping past the reflecting pool me + you skipping school And we make it up as we go along We make it up as we go along You said -- you raced from Langley -- pulling me underneath a Cherry Blossom canopy -- Do I Have -- Of course I have, Beneath my raincoat, I have your photographs. And the sun on your Face I'm freezing that frame And somewhere Alfie cries and says "Enjoy his every smile You can see in the dark Through the eyes of Laura Mars" -- How did it go so fast --you'll say as we are looking back and then we'll understand we held gold dust in our hands Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year I WAS HERE I WAS HERE Gaslights Glow in the street (flickering past) Twilight held us in her palm as we walked along And we make it up as we go along We make it up as we go along Letting names Hang in the air What color hair (auburn crimson) Autumn knowingly Stared And the day that She came I'm freezing that Frame I'm freezing that frame And somewhere Alfie smiles and says "Enjoy her every cry You can see in the dark Through the eyes Of Laura Mars" -- How did it go so fast --you'll say as we are looking back and then we'llunderstand We held gold dust in our hands in our hands Tori

so I didn't go to work today because I felt crappy and went to the doc and there's just some fluid on my lungs I have to get rid of so I'm not contagious which is good. Actually I went home at 6:30 last night and painted for a couple of hours. and then for a couple more. and stared at some pictures in my photo album...thought about memories...painted some more. played the keyboard a while. Wandered aimlessly through my apartment. Went to bed at 6:00 this morning. Woke at 10:00 called in. did laundry. started writing a story in an empty notebook for...4 or 5 hours. My hand REALLY hurts from that. I should've walked to the lab. My story will be finished. Which is a first. It won't be very good though but it's the context of what happens that is important. Really I want to write it; give it to a REAL writer and have them make it good. But keep all the important things. I ramble too much in stories and repeat myself. So then I put the notebook down finally after I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday...morning.. and had a tuna sandwich. changed my clothes twice. and my hair. because I was bored and have no phone. finished reading The Philosophers of...something or other which I learned a lot...Like how the Lutheran religion was started. Luther was MEAN to Catholics. He just wanted to branch off into a segregated religion... I didn't know that. Some of the philosophies of certain Bishops and poets struck me as surprisingly modern for 15th century thinkers... much I agreed with; much I disagreed with. Story of my life. So then I realized I was totally bored of silence and solitude and came over here to hang out with Jake while he plays Mega Man. I didn't know if anyone would be home but I DID know that if they were they wouldn't mind me stopping by. Which is good. Everything is so far away and clouded. I'm excited about my story though. Maybe i can actually make it good after I write it then go back and fix parts...because there are already parts that are repetitive and...nonsensicle...if that's a word... but it's really...good...to me. I may be the only one who enjoys it but I want to read it to someone when I'm done. I found myself missing Kayla and Cole...becuase they'd been at my place all weekend...it's so quiet without them there and although kids can get annoying, when they listen they're fun...and you're never bored. So I like other people's kids...as long as they aren't brats. lol. Jennie's boy pal knows my neighbor who lives across the hall and one door down which we found out when he was on my patio smoking and you here "HEEEEY" "WHUTS UP MAN" and friendly familiar guy talk. I didn't see him then but the next day I was in a daze on my couch laying there and Ron and Brandon (the neighbor) walked in. I was exhausted and just layed there and waved and closed my eyes. lol. Yes, very hospitable. He did ask if I was up too late which I nodded and grunted in reply. So Brandon stood in my living room for a few minutes and was like "stop by anytime" and left. Oh yeah I was in my pajamas so I was hiding under a blanket; he probably thought I was a nut. Oh well. Ron's a nice guy after you know him (or after I do) I was skeptical and distrusting at first but I think he's all right...so far. And I'm totally comfortable around him which doesn't happen easily...as in I could care less how I look around him and I can be all sloppy and lazy in my pajamas and we can insult each other while He and J Dogg flirt and do their cuddle thing... it's fun. Another exciting discovery (which I had discovered long ago but is new to others) is mastermind. A game. Old game, I've had it forever but Jennie, Ron, the kids and I sat in my living room playing it for hours. It's freakin fun. I'm such a nerd. wow. but I liked this whole not going out this weekend just chilling and hanging out thing. By Sunday I was ready for alone time definitely. So I had that until just now..when I got here but he's so into mega man lol...it's fun to watch though. I'll probably hang out here and then go home. I really had nothing to say here at all obviously but my energy level and my activity level are not IN SYNCH. ok bye.

You Owe Me Nothing In Return I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Alanis Morrisette

there's so many things I'm regretting at this moment. like...not being a more understanding person...or...just...not being more patient about things. there are so many things I want to say. But someone stole my voice...

I wish I were so clear in my decisions, words, and actions that no one would have any question as to why. Why any of it...why I am me. I know that there is hope in my life I just wish I could grab onto it and help it grow into something real. I just hope that time will make things better; rather than opening and closing doors and confusion and detachment.. rather than appearing to be a trickster. I am blessed to have some rare people in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything' irreplaceable and indescribable...one in particular... but this life piles on you bit by bit..and it's so hard to just keep it at the core. I want clarity. I want knowledge.

I wish people understood the decisions i make better: I wish I could explain them in ways that are so crystal there's no room for question or confusion. On a day I didn't want to make any decisions I made a few big ones. I just hope that everything works out in time; instead of time fucking with everything. It seems to like that. I just know that everything has hope in my life... and I wish I just knew how to grab onto it and make it real.

"I don't want to harm you, I want to enlighten you."
"the last time I listened to you; I became a lab rat."

never used to appreciate the intelligence I had. Until I was 18 and nearly lost it all; and lost a lot. because it made sense that killing brain cells kills parts you can't control or understand. You think you're killing the pain but you're only creating more, bigger problems that will last longer and be even harder to deal with than what you initially thought the problem WAS. why do I listen to you; or talk to you; or stop to consider what you have to say? When I know you are wrong; the way you are thinking isn't the reality of it. Why? because I was like you (once apon a time) I was just like you.

I find myself in social situations totally lost. I know that may sound funny especially sense I'm a somewhat social person but I am with these people and I just look around and have no idea why I'm there half the time. I feel uncomfortable often but don't show it too often because when someone sees that they get uncomfortable too. I wouldn't want to make that happen. I just compare myself to some people I interact with and just shake my head; or "think" shaking my head lol. Because I often think "wow, I am absolutely nothing like this person (or these people) why am I here?"...But it's true that people baffle me and I understand sometimes that saying anything about it would do nothing but cause some unnecessary conflict..and make no difference. Then if I just let "go" of thinking about that aspect at all I just don't fit in in any way...because I'll talk and it seems as though when I do that in certain settings; people really don't get me at all...or what I'm saying and if they slightly understand they really don't think about it or care too much about it...so instead of bringing them to my level I go to theirs. Because it is easier for them that way and...less frustrating for me. Don't get me wrong; this isn't with everyone; just some people. So I wonder why I bother...because they seem to enjoy the company but...something with that doesn't seem quite right. Very few people seem to spark my interest when it comes to getting to know them after a certain point. Mike does though; he always seems to spark my interest no matter what the topic; frame of mind; emotion; or what have you. There are a few others who also do that but I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't seem to keep that initial interest I have when I meet someone; because I am REALLY interested in people when I meet them; interested in knowing about their lives, their thoughts; anything...then at some point; it's like...hm. that was...interesting while it lasted. Maybe my expectations are too high. Who knows. I feel like a fake in a way though when it comes to this; it's disturbing me. because why AM I there? here? where ever I may be at the time...with whomever...and then I was also thinking that sometimes it's just pointless to make any plans because then it gets to be the time of what you planned and you'd rather be doing something else; because you miss someone, or you're just not comfortable with the situation. Why can't I just go see someone when I miss them and want to see them? What's with all these rules? We make for ourselves. I slept 2.5-3 hours last night. but it was a good dead sleep. I've totally lost my train of thought now. Clark's about to open the lead box. I want a banana. I'm going to stop typing now. wow.

so I was driving to work today and I was thinking about how if I could leave myself and watch me from a distant; observe how I interact; the way I react etc; how I would be more able to understand things I do wrong. There are things I just get aggravated and annoyed about when it comes to myself and things I do. I know I just want to be myself; but it's important to me to also make sure I take those around me into consideration at all times. I don't mean anything more than just; well...paying attention. It's important to me to be myself while knowing I'm not unnecessarily hurting anyone. These things are important (to me). I mean it's so hard for people to look at them selves and think they could possibly be less than perfectly what they see... if that makes sense. People don't like recognizing their own faults but it's something I think makes a big difference in the type of person you are. Then there are those who do recognize and just..don't care. Nothing you can do about them... Patrick's blog was good and I nodded through most of it except for the edible hours of sex part...lol. Totally off the subject..anyway it's also important not to be to quick to point out other's faults and understand that they may not realize at all that they could possibly be hurting you; and if it's IMPORTANT to show them; to do it in a way where they aren't thinking you're just breaking them up into analytical parts and showing them the bad stuff only... that's something White Devil did a lot (Chris) and I would point that out to HIM and it was just a war all the time in between laughter and fun...was always war. But it's something I need to recognize not to do also. I know I"m being choppy tonight because all these things just come to mind and I fall off the subject. Point: Kara still working at her ultimate goal. Anyway..Now I'm thinking about Chris and that was the only chaotic relationship I was ever in but I totally thought the world of him for so long no matter what anyone said because of the connection I thought we had and we would have fun yes and be deep together yes...but the wars were huge; every one of them just total bloody badness...my brain is full and tired so my grammar is going to suck and for that I apologize..but we were in no way (when it came to each other and our battles) looking to be "the bigger person" it was always "Getting back at" better who could totally screw over the other in any way possible...who could win. but then we'd make up of course always; and we'd be "closer than ever" each time. Give me a break. What kind of dumbass was I? A big one. but I was totally in love with him for two years; we dated for 1 year (Age 16-17) and then he was gay. lol. But you can still see; if you happen to catch a look at him anytime, the soullessness in his eyes...that scared me even when we were close at times...but he had so much to say and so much "passion" that I made excuses for him in my head that there was something real there; it had to be. I wanted to believe in him so I did. We talked about getting married all the time. To everyone. What happens to people to make them so fucked up? He's fucked up. Really fucked up. I don't know what was wrong with me that I couldn't see these things. Was it ignorance; naivety? Or was he just really good at being someone else? Maybe all...and going back over and over? That's me being just totally stupid. Fear of the unfamiliar? Fear of loneliness? Maybe...I'm so glad that I can recognize some things now though that I never could before. I was talking to my dad about how unsatisfied I am right now; I know it's up to me to change that right..but I want more; nothing is satisfying me. I want more. Of all of it. I hope that's not selfish...I mean I don't want more STUFF. I want more inspiration, passion, creativity, humanity, love. Is it me? probably; I'm doing something wrong. I get so PHSYCHED about life lately...the disappointed that I'm not where I see myself and all the things I imagine aren't happening right now; I'm so impatient though. In so many ways; except when it comes to other people in growth and things...I wonder if people look at me and say "she's fucked up. really fucked up." that would suck. I'm not that fucked up; I'm not stupid, I'm not careless. I am considerate, and concerned and come to find quite inquisitive; more so everyday...I have morals and respect, and I care, I am empathetic and really try to understand everything I can...everything that I find important. I am at this point pretty much willing to change anything that I feel needs to be changed. Try anything new. (that is not dangerous, immoral, or masochistic) learning about people is so good and fun to me. Learning about everything is pretty interesting but mostly people but I don't want to be like my dad and detach from the emotion of the thing. I want to be right there in it feeling every part no matter how uncomfortable or painful because I think it's worth it and if it really makes a difference than it's AMAZING. Rambling now. Going to stop.

it's crazy how different I am than I used to be.
does that really happen? because it's crazy when I think about it. Just crazy.
Lately I am even more so different. I think people feel it inside each change they have...permenant change I mean. And I always feel it so I always know it's coming. It's crazy how empathy works in me and crazy how no one could really believe or understand it I don't think...it's not an easy thing though. I'm just itching to do something with my life. I am just excited at the person I will turn out to be. It will be good; I pray it will and I believe it will. My standards are so high though with life and people now; it's almost ridiculous. I'm not sure why, or how, but I wonder if it means I won't ever be satisfied and I wonder if it means it's intentional...I realized a lot of things over the past couple days. my eyes won't close. I'm direct and wired and have nothing to hide. I can feel the peak of something coming; I want to stay on top...I want to show everyone what is real...important...and make them believe in it. but how does one like me even begine to do something such as this? I have had so many things imbedded in my habits and conditioning...every part has to be examined and...corrected and maybe just stay the same but...polished.

so I haven't posted in about two weeks; even when I did post last I deleted it. I can't quite remember why though. Work has been the same. I have gone through a strange rollercoaster of wanting to kick total ass with my life and wanting to run and hide from it. Last night the emotional breakdown began and it didn't stop until about 12:45 this afternoon. Then my eyes were swollen and my head was empty and everything was fuzzy. I felt really alone today before work I remember, but that feeling passed. I can't believe how much I freaked when I checked my bank account, I mean yes it's a big deal but on a "normal" day my reaction would have been much less severe. I litterally bawled until my tear ducts were dry. That's just, unnecessary, BUT I DID feel better. drained and tired, but better. I know that it was just from everything piling up at once. My mom emailed me today saying "when you feel like nothing's going right and you can't handle it just chant these words ' my mom REALLY loves me! my mom REALLY loves me!' " it was sweet. She does really love me and has no idea how well I really know her. She likes to think I really need her to take care of me sometimes, because she doesn't so much want to think people know how poorly she really takes care of herself.. I love my mother so it hurts alot. the things I know. and it doesn't go away. so i know i will talk to her. i'm not going to let it go anymore. the outcome i care for is that she's forced in front of a constant mirror; completely naked. (metaphor) so she will take care of herself. because she will feel shame and regret and know now that the one person she loves more than life knows and it's hurting her. if she continues to do things she shouldn't; it will break my heart. but I can help her because I AM her daughter, I know her so well because I understand, and I am like her in ways. I don't believe she sees it as lies, deciet, or self mutilation. I believe she clouds those with denial and daily consistancy of work. she doesn't rest, she will not, she can't stand to sit still. We sat waiting for the movie and she took out her bilfold and organized it. But in ways, this is good, because I can see things NOT to do, how NOT to be and I can see why it really matters. I wouldn't be able to stand hurting someone I care so much about in that way. It would kill me. So there's me. There's my family, there's my love, there's my finances, there are my 'friends', and there is the world. There are a lot of good things in this world. History, art, poetry, and love. Things to learn. Things to see. Nature. When daily bullshit and frustrations can be forgotten, and I can really live. When the core of what is real and what is good can be brought out, I will see it all. I hope I can share what i see. What I learn. What I feel. Who I am. I hope that there will be someone there to experience life with me. because above all else in this world; humanity and people are number one. That's why we're all so frustrating and dissapointing. because we all have that spark. and we all have a potential to be great.

deleted.

whoops.

here i am. I feel mentally exhausted. But nothing is really bothering me too badly. I am a bit detached, a bit aware, a bit interested, and bit intrigued, a bit passive, a bit careless, a bit away. But that will all change again. These are little lights or gaps in the day where my entire...self just rests and relaxes and I can let my mind float. All day I have felt, in a way, invincible...like I could handle anything. but at the same time I felt all of the confusion of the bad things happening around me, the things that frustrate me, piss me off...I could express my annoyances, my aggravations, the way I REALLY felt, at the time. At each point in the day I knew exactly how i was feeling...Nothing was confusing or questionable...I understood myself. There were other things; underlying emotions that were a bit uncomfortable but still I UNDERSTOOD them...I just kind of wanted to shout everything that was inside of me outloud. Often I worry that someone will notice them if I just whisper! So it was different today; in that way. I liked it. I spent two hours with "sponsor" today...I'd say a bit intense... she always "advises me" on things that could be beneficial to my daily life, social life, future...which I guess is normal right? but she does it in a way where she doesn't say "I should" do such and such...but gives me ideas and lets me figure it out...I take to heart what she says; I trust her advice. She says some of the things or points of therapy will seem intense..>I told her it already WAS intense...but today I was thinking: is it bad on a person to go through therapy most of their life? It's been about...exactly half of my life since I've been in different therapy....I was thinking I wonder if that's bad because then I will expect to be probed, prodded, examined, analyzed> for all of my life, because it's a sort of...routine that is...Comfortable to stay in; like a crutch. Or is it truly a good thing? I hope it is...The whole point is that I just want to really understand myself and how to be...The way I want to be.
I am way too open right now I think because I'm not worried at all about what anyone things of what I have to say...Being judged. I mean I feel like the number of people in my life has dwindled down to far more than half...of choice...it was a big step for me; a big part of moving forward in life...necessary. I still know it was. There are things i miss. A year ago at this time I was getting drunk JUST about every single night and getting a little crazier than necessary...lol...but I wasn't worried about a lot of things I was just living in the moment. It was pretty unhealthy because a large number of random bad things could have, and on occassion did, happened...I feel better about my SELF now...more independent, more confident in my decisions, more aware of EVERYTHING (infinitely more aware)...I feel more ME..but I also fear more...because I know how things work, I know the likelihood of things going smoothly for me...like my dad always tells me "you always take the difficult way out..." I don't know why. I don't like feeling this sort of bitterness towards my parents either...It's not fair...They were good parents to me throughout my highschool life...tried to be thorough and follow through and do things that should have worked...I just didn't care or believed they loved me...I think things like that just carry on from early childhood...but looking back so much seems like I'm wasting time...but I guess to move forward you have to be aware of your history; yourself.

here comes the interrigation room scene. they walk in one by one. and my comfort zone evaporates.

apathy.

that's what I am right now. that's all. I'm at tony's. He's going to go mix me a drink. Sometimes I just get SO SICK of everything. When you don't see anything good...when I DON'T...i become...numb because...that is the only way I know how to deal. This sucks. I'm not going to hide it though and go on acting like I'm fine...like life is okay for everyone. NO one I know is happy...no one I care about. Everything is wrong with everyone. It's stupid fucking bullshit. I feel nothing. Earlier today all I wanted was to make people happy whom were sad and deserving of something better...I still wish I could...but know it's out of my hands. what can I do? nothing. I feel like shit too. This morning nothing was wrong. you burrowed into me like a puppy...it was innocent, sweet and perfect. and the smell of your skin in the morning is embedded in my memory like walking. I love that smell..and the sounds we make when we're waking up. those are my favorite times it seems....my favorite new little things to love. Then we have to go on and routine ourselves for the day...and it's gone as fast as it came. that's what happiness is though. tiny moments you have to hold onto. I want more of them...I want them for others too. Sometimes I think I can take the world and put it on my back and make everything okay. other times I think if the slightest thing happens I will crumble. right now...I just don't care really....I'm just here. and so is everyone else... but we're sad. I see that. right now anyway. I'm not going to delve into self destruction or escapism to "get away" I'm still going to live...and try to make things ok, then good, then great, then amazing...that's what i want so nothing is going to STOP me from trying...over and over and over. The pull right now was just too much and my insides are missing. I get emails from people. phone calls. conversations....about how shitty everything is everywhere. like if the world went away we'd all be okay. I always wanted to take all the pain away from people who shouldn't feel it and keep it inside...it was always my goal. "I don't NEED to be happy...I'm just one person..if I can take it away and keep and there are that many people to be happy and good in the world" what kind of logic is that...those things don't happen. It's my empathetic nature...people don't get the meaning of that word unless they really are empathetic so it seems pointless to go into the minute details of what I feel from people when I am around them. It is also what has always gotten me in trouble with friends. It's easier to not let them know what's inside until you know you can trust them...but you never really know for sure...trust is a risk. one of the greatest risks..when you win it follows with a great reward. I hope. I mean I'm pretty sure it does. My sponsor says I focus too much on other people in my life...but I am always analyzing myself...she's says that's not what she means because that can be unhealthy too. Well who knows, everything seems unhealthy at times...I am like a macrocosm of things that are good for you and things you can't handle...in general. I hope feeling this way doesn't upset anyone...sometimes we feel this way. sometimes we just have to be absent of mind and sit and stare at the funny shapes the paint makes on the walls. if two people are together and they both feel this way at the same time do they disconnect from each other completely or do they empathize and become closer in that moment?
I can't wait to wake up again.

this is me.
warm
uncalculated.
this is me.
tender, hold it in 'til you fall asleep; this is me.
bursting from the inside; trapped...
clawing at lights, falling down holes.
this is me
touching your eyelids while you sleep
kissing your side, back. smelling your dreams.
telling you secrets; hoping you catch them...
this is me mending.
in a glass box, on a shelf.
this is me
weak.
warn.
ready.
no.
this is my mix..
time is key
timing is off.
this is me borrowed original.
my fingers are wings. stroking your skies to invade what is ours. make it that way.
this is shock.
this is breathe.
this is light.
this is numb.
you may now...enter...too late...wait.
it will come again.
this is mold.
this is clay.
this is melt.
this is open.
closed.
this is closed.
I walk on walls for practice; wait at green lights for fun
cold and brutal.
no.
this is fresh....
this is fear
this is excitement.
this is empty.
this is clean.
being raw poking in needles and knives and things.
scrapping it out.
this is clear.
I am right I am wrong.
this is stick.
stuck on ?
what is wrong?
this is truth.
need to fit it in need to fit; snug fit; too tight to breath.
this is voice.
this is silence.
show them rockstar politicial art propoganda. where our minds can only complain where the rest of ourselves cannot move.
this is war.
this is not what it should be.
this is me.

Kara J Rice 8/25/04

Nicole Blackman-
the spoken word she performed that I was present at in 2000:

Get Your Hands Off My Brother Get your hands off my brother.I don't care if his name is Stephen or Danielor James or Billy or even if I don't know his name at all.They are all my brothers and you have no right no right at all, to attack any one of them.What is it about love that makes you so scared and angry? You fear what you don't understand but how could a gay man earn such a beating? You think you are mighty because you are 18, ineloquent and full of rage standing over a man with blood pouring from his nose.Where in the world did you get the idea that murdering a man will make your life any better? These men are all my brothers because they were the ones who came to pick me up from a phone booth after I got thrown out of a car. They rubbed my shoulders in taxis when I was tired and bought me a drink when I didn't have the money. They went with me to Audrey Hepburn films and taught me the meaning of words like 'fierce' and 'worthy.' They made me understand that life should be about things that are wonderful, things that are beautiful.These are the men with whom I have the most in common and they taught me more than Cosmo ever did. They drank cup after cup of tea with me when I was unraveling and reeling from being dumped for no reason. They taught me that love is love and who should be the one to judge? We used to say that if I was a gay manor they were straight that we would be lovers.But in many ways,they have been more loving to me than the men I loved.When my courage failed they showed me the power of a good Billie Holiday tune.They told me to do what I believed in, that a glass of wine can fix almost anything,that the music you listen to is the soundtrack of your life,that $1.25 and a sense of style can take you anywhere in this city. They said Everyone is a star and everyone shines it just may be that yours is a little different than mine.They taught me that everyone wants someone to come home to, someone to look after, that everyone adores a tender touch,that everyone needs someone to hold them and say shh when they cry,that everyone like to talk and laugh and cook and watch TV and kiss.They taught me that being a loving person means sometimes getting your heart broken.Whether by violence or virus I've lost some of my guardian angels.Patrick was killed in Boston and I never had the chance to say thank you.Lee died in New York and I never had the chance to say goodbye.Peter didn't want me to see him sick so I didn't know until after he'd gone.I hated him for that.I loved him for that.I made them promise they'd be at my wedding and they made me promise that there would be balloons at their funerals.And I did because they taught me how important promises are.But it's not his time now and I will not let you take him from me,s o get your hands off my brother.(You have no right, no right in the world,to drive through the city breaking the wings off angels.)He may be face down on the pavement but I'm not and I will fight you to save his life because every day in so many ways he saved mine.

I am still numb from the experience.Half the things I wanted to say are forgotten because someone's other half is a blank wall needing to be written upon by people who assume everything about her like she assumes everything about everything else. Some people are too angry to understand how happy the hand is that they've been dealt to them. They're too busy blaming the dealer.E-mail likes to take away every other thought I've had. When did distractions become more important than the things I love? Ever since the cable got injected into the computer full-time and never likes to go to sleep. This is why I study in the library, where things can still be archaic to the girl without a laptop.I feel guilty when I talk to a friend. I feel terrible when I try to sleep. I want to kill myself when I surf the web.Why does any of this matter to you now? Why should it matter when your life is going to be mapped out in numbers from now on?What do you want to be when you grow up?A 4.0 at least.Anyway...I get there. Finally. It's smart to go wandering about for the damn venue with only vague ideas of where it is. But we make it.First thing I do is buy the book. About time I found a copy.The entire stage is decked out in coats that were offered up by the audience members. I didn't trust the stage so I held onto my coat while I made my way into the crowd to get to my seat.Piano music's playing on a loop.Then the lights go dark and she appears. She's more beautiful in person than I could've ever imagined and she's already speaking before I realized where she was. Her words were accentuated by minimal movement. A lighting of a candle here, the unraveling of Christmas lights there...but that's all that was needed. I wasn't sure before how this was going to work as a visual performance, but it worked beautifully. Most of the staging relied on lighting and often, that was all that was needed. The rest was done in her voice.This was not a concert, nor something that I could describe easily. All I can say is that her poetry and her delivery is absolutely...well, I don't know. I think that any word I write will be unworthy of her, so I really can't figure out what to say. But by the end of the show, I just wanted to go home and cry. Not speak to anyone, hell, I didn't even know if I could face HER. Just go home, hold her work on my hands, and fall asleep hoping to dream some wonderful poem. Maybe I should get my notebook out. Lately, I've been letting things fly away too fast. College is making me bland.Most of the poems were new works, or at least ones I hadn't heard before. But they were all excellent. All of them. She also did "Holy," one of my favorites off "Dead Inside," and a chilling version of "Victim," her voice cracking and falling into hysteria as she swung a light above her head, the only light in the room. Halfway through the show, we had a little audience participation session...jiggle your keys when this applies to you. Perhaps it wasn't smart for me to be so honest, especially when you have family members sitting next to you, listening to the soft tinkle when the screen asks if you've ever thought about jumping in front of a moving subway train. I swore I heard a gasp next to me. Oh please, like you haven't thought about it too. [no you don't jump you twit, you just like to float on the thought because it takes you away, calming your nerves for the fleeting moment it occurs to you. but no, you DO NOT JUMP.] I also don't believe I'll ever be loved. And I don't forgive. And I don't forget.And this is as far as I'm ever gonna get. [I know I'm not alone in that respect. I've had the end-of-our-purpose conversation with way too many of my floormates to know that.]The finale was her singing in a white dress, staining her hands, her arms, her chest, her neck, her face with fake blood. When I came home, I found the song in the book. It was written in dedication to Matthew Shepard. I read it again, and it became that much stronger.After the show I didn't want to speak. I tried to get away with talking as little, as little as possible. I got a hanger (because they said we could) that mentioned how girls have wings. Really. Then why did a student go tumbling down eight floors a few weeks ago? Maybe no one told her. I don't like this. There's been two deaths since I've gotten here. That doesn't seem right.I wrote a simple note in her notebook of comments. I didn't know what to say, but I wrote that I would be doing what I'm doing now. Writing. I'm going to write until I can't keep my eyes open anymore And fuck sleep, fucks finals, fuck Taylor sequences and average total cost and intransitive verbs. I am writing.She was taking a bit to come out since she had to clean up. It made me all the more nervous as hell. Do you actually tell people you admire that they're an inspiration? How many times have they heard that, and are sick of it? How badly do you feel because you think that your own work is just a cheap imitation, unworthy and a plain insult to her? How stupid are all these worries? Very. But I'm trembling and nervous and DAMN, I have never acted like this before. I think I can understand now why teenies get so silly around their pop idols.Finally she appeared, her hair wrapped in a towel and her eyes redone. She first goes and talked to whom I assume are her parents. After talking to family and friends for a bit, she turned and moved onto the lot of us waiting for the book signing. Now, how the hell do I approach her when I can't even move my feet, much less speak?Well, I didn't have to worry about moving after all. When I get really scared and shy, I tend to look like I'm twelve (or at least I feel like it). And she must've noticed that and taken pity, since she saw me and said "Hi," very sweetly. I wish I could calm down, but NO, my brain decides that I'm not through with my bad bout of fandom. I told her that she was wonderful, she said thank you. I was about to start crying. Yes, I was this nervous. And yes, I was making a huge fool out of myself. I can't stand losing the ability to treat someone like the talented human being they are, instead of trembling in front of them like some worshipper (there's such a huge difference and I'd like to think that people prefer one type of fan to the other). I can't even ask her for the signing, I'm so afraid to (I have this thing about autograph requests that makes it almost impossible for me to ask for them unless within the most comfortable of situations). She offers to sign the book and while she does, I mention what an inspiration she is to me. Another thank you. And as she moved onto the next person to chat, I got the hell out of there.I could've handled that a lot better. I have an insecurity complex where I NEED to leave behind a good impression of me on anyone I like. And I sure didn't do that this time. Sigh...oh well...done is done. I got to meet one of my biggest inspirations. And I finally got the book. FINALLY.I know this review doesn't come close to describing exactly what Nicole Blackman's work is about. But suffice to say, there are not the right adjectives provided in the English language to properly sum up my feelings on her. Recall the awe and respect I give to Diamanda Galas and equate that to her. THAT's how much I admire this woman. Find something with her writing on it and see for yourself. Golden Palominos' "Dead Inside," Recoil's "Liquid" or her book, "Blood Sugar." Because she is why I haven't thrown out my latest poetry.She is why I can write something, and not always hate the results.She is why I now live through my pen.

- On Nicole Blackman written in January of 2000- my senior year.
A friend e-mailed this to me; I don't even have the original copy anymore. I remember how much I loved writing. I like Nicole's poetry but...she's too dark now...at least for me...she wasn't then though she was "perfect". But it's funny how as you grow some things grow and some things fade away...that's normal right? So, I don't remember much around this time in my life...I was just getting back to school after being absent for a while...really really absent and I was just getting into the swing of being able to have a social life again...
but this brought back a lot of memories and why you decided to send it to me now is beyond me...but thank you.

I wonder if we all start out with the ability/capacity to be geniuses...or...my "view" of what genius is. It's true that we all have the ability to learn and grow and "expand" our minds as well as destroy, detatch, escape from, and devoid them. And most of us do a little of both...or a lot of the latter...lol. But when you DO screw up what you had...or what you COULD HAVE had...can you get it back? Or do you develop on a different scale there on out? Because you no longer have the same basis that you started with. You're left with a new one. But not fresh...just...new. If you screw it up PROFOUNDLY and semi-recover...do you have the ability to grow as much as you could have before? Or are you not even suppose to think of it that way at all...forget it and do what you can? Maybe. What if some internal faults are externally obvious...can you change those too? Not self esteem; that's not what I mean. Brain function; disfunction; nonfunction. If you can build yourself mentally in the general way still...which we all can of course...then can the "other" problems go away too? If not; does it even matter? What dictates intelligence? There are all these categories for certain smarts we have...all kinds. Some of us use one side of our brains more, some both more than "normal" some less than...all portioned out differently yet COMMON enough to be categorized. I know "normal" only exists on a societal scale. I don't care about normal. I do care about the importance of things. Significance. Why is the imagination boundless but intelligence not? Yet, in general, the more imagination you have the "smarter" you are. No matter what category your mind may be in...but...if other things factor in...irregularities, emotional instability...the mentality of genius is skewed. Intelligence without function/action is not intelligence at all? Because it's useless? Some of these questions in my head are obvious but I still get stuck on them... I want to go back to school. If I say I want something extrodinary then I am dreaming and escaping and "unrealistic"...there's something WRONG with that...like it's childish..."grow up Kara, this is the real world"
but weren't you just saying "anything is possible" ?
My parent's make me angry sometimes with their limited logic and...ignorance in ways. Parents in general seem to be that way though...
I want to go back to school so I need to make more money so I can actually SAVE MONEY if I can't get in on a full ride or am not covered entirely under student aide. But mostly so I can go to school Full Time when possible... and work parttime...
It's nearly perceptible.
I mean I CAN see it happening I am just so freaking impatient sometimes...and I know i need another job or a second job I'm just concerned with being miserable while I work at getting what I want... I don't want to be and I don't JUST want a new job for money; I want a better environment. Imagination and motivation can really be affected if your environment for most of your daily life reminds you of desperation and hospital beds... and you can't FIX that part of it you just float in it. I like the things in my head adn I LOVE the people in my life...but that's a big part of crappiness. lol...and if I could just fix THAT and make people really HAPPY that deserve it than I'm over half way there...but that's the step that's hard...MOVING...getting your "feet off the ground" taking a step...It's important. I have to figure this out. It will be good and the thought excites me :)

I have all these thoughts and ideas in my head. I get excited about life sometimes....it's my grandmother's 93rd Bday tomorrow.
I don't know if I'm going...
but I'm going to call if her anyway...at least...
I'm going to Zimms tonight with Tony; I haven't gone out with him for a while....

SO I'm sitting here talking to Tony and I just asked him about this job he's going to be doing and he said "It's too complicated to talk about" LOL...
that was funny
I just wanted to say that....
I'm BORED today
like watching my toenails grow bored...
ok
the end

lying on the floor
four stories high
in the corridor
between the asphalt and the sky
i am caught like bottled water
the light daughter
i wonder what you look like
under your t-shirt
i wonder what you sound like
when you're not wearing words
i wonder what we have
when we're not pretending
it's never-ending, haven't you heard?
i don't need to tell you
what this is about
you just start on the inside
and work your way out
we are all polylingual
but some of us pretend
there's virtue in relying
on not trying to understand
we're all citizens of the womb
before we subdivide
into sexes and shades
this side
that side
and i don't need to tell you
what this is about
you just start on the inside
and work your way out
undressing for the fan
like it was a man
wondering about all the things
that i'll never understand
there are some things that you can't know
unless you've been there
but oh how far we could go
if we started to share
i don't need to tell you
what it is about
you just start on the inside
and work your way out

he said, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when i'm approached in a dark alley
i don't lift my skirt
in this city
self-preservation
is a full time occupation
i'm determined
to survive on these shores
i don't avert my eyes anymore
in a man's world
i am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around i have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
i played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and i was blessed with a birth and a death
and i guess i just want some say in between
don't you understand
in the day to day
in the face to face
i have to act
just as strong as i can
just to preserve a place
where i can be who i am
so if you still know how
talk to me now

Can I just say that when I workout I workout pretty hard. Every day I do my 20 minute pilates routine in my living room which is meant to "sculpt" your body..then 3-4 of the 7 days in a week I come HERE to the gym of my apartment complex to work out on the machines. A year ago at this time I weighed about 225 lbs and I now weigh exactly 163 lbs..the majority of that weight loss started when I began working out more and eating less junk. I hardly eat junkfood at all anymore OR drink regular pop. I also started drinking water ALL the time (which I highly recommend)...recently when working out I would get tired really fast and want to quit sooner than normal. I have stressed at work more than normal and have been thinking a lot about my cousin's wedding. My mom took me clothes shopping about 3 weeks ago and bought me some new clothing...she kept asking about my weight and that I just needed to keep working on it...she never says good job for that or be careful or anything just "are you still losing weight?"...so we were in the mall and I have a GNC membership card because i get vitamins and iron pills there and sometimes their energy drinks or weird candy bars they sell their. We were looking at the new dietary supplements and this guy that works there told us about these new pills they have and how they work and yadda yadda...so I wanted to get them...so my mother bought them for me. I have been taking them before I work out in the gym each day that I come here...Lately I've been getting really moody and irritable...and feeling off kylter...I didn't know what was wrong...didn't say anything about those pills really to anyone because i would only think about them when I was getting dressed to come work out..then I'd remember. It wasn't my intetion to out right LIE about anything. So lastnight at work I was totally depressed, paranoid, didn't think anyone cared...didn't feel loved...had a panic attack in my car and drove home... I called my dad and he informed me of how bad those pills can be for a person who has tendencies towards depression or instability...I didn't know. So I stopped taking them. So then I get accused of having an eating disorder because I've been "not feeling well" when I eat lately...I didn't know why...also because I pee alot... anyway point is I DON'T have a problem here. I've stopped taking those stupid pills and believe me it wasn't hard...I don't want to be crazy! So I'm just going to keep working hard for myself and being healthy. I understand the concern and am not MAD that he thinks that or won't believe me...but at the same time it feels a bit unfair. I know I reacted hurtfully yesterday but mentally I was totally off balance...below I said "this isn't me" and it wasn't...I feel much better today after knowing what the Hell my problem was although I'm overwhelmed with guilt of accusing people of being heartless and not caring...guilt of lying...I didn't MEAN to be that way and it was totally unintentional but I don't think that's an excuse. so I'm being punished but I know I deserve it.
but I just wanted to clear that...
I'm fine
and will continue being HEALTHY...

I think I figured it out. I hope. I'm going to be okay; the funny thing is that when you're dealt something you don't know where to place or what it is exactly and then when you FIND OUT what it is...your battle is half over. I wish people had more faith in me. But it just takes harder work which equals a better outcome for those who DON'T. I feel loads better than I did earlier this evening... Some things make me very sad but at the same time I'm not angry anymore. I understand I suppose. Anyway. I hope you all have a great weekend. I will be finding a job.

sometimes people have really bad days. where they just can't work anymore I think.
But this isn't me. This really isn't me at all.

I don't feel loved today. I don't feel cared for. I feel desolate and alone on a single content...all my own. I don't let it in though if anyone came to rescue me from my island I would hide in a tree...I don't want to hide but no one can find me. or they don't have arms strong enough to pull me out of the branches. I never want to be saved. I never want to need anything. I want to be alone and okay with it. But I'm still not okay. But I got away today. I can't look into any eyes everything in me is wrong. I am overflowing and empty. If I show it everyone is gone. and I'm showing and they're gone. I know these feelings are temporary and I can be strong I know if I found a nitch or thread to start with...something to touch...that it would be okay. ... but I can't just say it...I can't just ask anything of anyone I can't explain anything. I don't know what's wrong with me I am suppose to be the one that helps...comfort I am suppose to be comfort how can comfort need comfort? I'm without myself. Grey all around. It's like vommit like hollows people out. I want to be full not hollow. I want to be okay. I want to be happy. I am happy...what is happening ... this timing is off it is wrong. I am not suppose to be this way. I have to be strong; can't lift a finger and toe. The only time it gets better is if I say it's okay. I can't speak; my lips won't move...I can only feel and react and my reactions are off...my reaction cause other reactions from others...introverted..
no one ever wants to pull you out
of your
door.
in the way that they reach their hand in softly and you just grab on. They just wait for the wind to blow it open...or they try to break it down.

and I understand
that's how it works. I understand I'm doing it wrong.

I know
so I can't be upset.
It's all myself

like always how I fix things. I just want someone to fold me...hold me when I'm cry. And you're tired of breaking it down
and you're tired of telling me why.

I need someone to just.
tell me what's wrong with me
I hope it's okay.
I'll be okay tomorrow.