I sit in silence and stare at the wall. I trace patterns and puzzles composed of paint specks and tiny clumps as the vague and relentless thoughts fill my mind . I drive mechanically, the sun warming my face, the whir of wheels and whistling wind conduct a rhythmic duet; teasing me with the false promise of calm. As if every element surrounding me knows that I would be perfectly fine if I could only find a path to mental clarity. There is most definitely something I cannot place. No answers; no questions, but entirely impalpable. But then again, questions flood my head, but are they the right questions? Should I question at all? Gray area. I'm drowning in it, and it's THAT part which I find so hard to endure. Everytime I step into it...yet the gray area is always neccessary to tread to get to the colorful clarity. If that is what one desires, then they deal and keep going until they get to where they want to be. Or then there is me. Either stear clear of those waters all together in case of tidal waves (play it safe)...or chop twists and cave in cliffs and unload mountains on the journey down the path (still trying to get there right?). My dad always told me I must do things the hardest way possible...or get out while I can. Now I sit and write to get it out, because I need something and I have no idea what it is, but the unsettling in my gut and the cluster-fuck in my mind wont allow me to just forget them. And as I sit here, I wonder if all this brain-racking is pointless. And then I worry about that too, I don't want it to be... I know myself very well in certain ways, yet I seem to be at a loss when it comes to acting on inherent fact. The wires cross somewhere or don't meet at all from the point of knowing to the point of going off of what i know. I have spent so much time in obscurity that simplicity seems so difficult. I mean when it comes to expression. my voice. moments, thoughts, words. All nicely mixed and sorted enough so that one would have to take a little more time to understand...and it's been called bullshit and it's been called defense and it's been called mystery. but just the thought of that curtain jerking open and standing there, totally naked with nothing to grab onto to cover myself with sends shivers down my spine.

Distraction. it's the root of obstacles we create as human beings, when it comes to other human beings. Pride. It's the character crapper...with a dash of image concern and desire for comfort and familiarity. Solitude. It's the dissassociation from connecting to raw truth, and the detachment that keeps the human heart safe from pain. All of these are really just one thing; fear. And it makes me sad. because so many people, more and more it seems, act and make decisions based on fear rather than what's really important in life, what makes us human and what makes HUMANS so amazing and beautiful. We are meant to connect, to interact, to cling, to hurt, to endure, to expose, to explore. I've met the rare honest, simple, decided and I've met the lost and the victims and the cause and the affect. What I know, what I see, my inherent understanding of people and my passion to just bring at least a bit of joy wherever I go; do not well corralate with my habits, repetition, confussion, or failure. Sense of worth, sense of self, sense of humor... i wish to concent. i wish to contest. i wish to let go. Fear.
I wish to take It and look It in the eye, and swallow my pride. But I do not. I have not. Not even yet...through all struggles and through all awareness and lessons. With knowledge and desire and dissatisfaction, still I do not.
I step back into myself and I become emotion and pride and fear and detachment and confussion. I become human. Now, rather than overcoming those instictual safety nets and letting down walls, I contemplate how to forget, or if not forget then how to shrug and numb-out any dangerous intensity, or at least how to portray myself as one; unaffected, carefree. Yet the wanting of connection and discovery still remains so how many mountains and cliffs and twists will reconstruct the path this time? Or will there even be one at all?
And it's funny...making such claims as I do; when still...I care enough to say it all anyway...right here. when it's meant to be left unsaid. But I say, what the hell...maybe some good can come out of such cryptic flagrance. Or at least a bit of relief, and the sense of calm.

Your Brain's Pattern:








You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

You Are 25 Years Old

25 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatagequiz/">What Age Do You Act?

I am not who I want to be
I probably will not ever be
I drove my car on June 14th
I drove it right on down the street
I had not had any sleep
so I ate minithins to stay awake
You crashed your car right into me
there was two days I 'fore I had to leave.
uh oh uh oh down low down low down low uh oh oh oho oh oh...

I am not who I want to be
I probably will not ever be
I took a trip down to California

karma payment plan...
k-k-karma's payment plan

My car broke down out in the street
the radiator sprung a leak
I met this guy he said that he could help me

I'm on the karma payment plan..

We went to his house and did some speed
he said karma would pay for this deed
he got it fixed and he started to scare me

I ditched eventually
and came back for the van the next morning

'm on the Karma payment plan

I went to LA the next day

I got jacked in a really bad way

I cannot tell you but..it's a long story.
-MODEST MOUSE

i went back and read some old entries from your blog.
you are so right in some things you said...
like about karma.
i love you.
i do.
regardless of circumstance and other factors.
i really do love you.

Dresden Dolls in IC soon!!!!!!!!!!! check out the link. They are my top 5 now. Love them! NIN on Oct 8 in Cleveland...then Dresden Dolls...oh Billy Idol on Sept. 2o right here in DeMo. at the ValAir..........man.
I can probably die soon, as long as we see Tori and Beck within the next year.
then I can die.
haha.
okay...i'm not really THAT bad but I'm saying. I love music. I love concerts. i love experiencing them with other people that love them just as much...
and I'm excited.

anyway I totally lost myself there for a few days.... i didn't know how to be alone after the summer with you every day...and it was hard to remember how to just be...and how to reflect on the really real of me... because it all scared me too much and just being w/you and away from that made it easier...
so i'm sorry for my fuck ups and heart breaks and so on.
i am.
i regret.

alot.

i just wish it were easier to just be sometimes.
it's not.
this life is harder than I wanted i guess but its also suppose to be and i have to work harder at taking it and fighting full on rather than deciding to hide or fall away and take it defenseless...you know what i mean... anyway.
i guess my faith is getting stronger again and it takes so little for that to happen when I just look...But things still hurt that i want to just erase.

i don't know.
it's not important right now i guess.
just wanted to drop by myself.
later.

um, I'm just going to forget about that mentally fucked previous post and post some pics.
much better at the moment.

KITTY TATTOOS!

JEZZY PATCH KID

Me at Fridays back in March....

My mommy talking to me at HuHot.

My Mr. Kitty is Scared.

Baby Lestat is sleepy.

That was fun.

Pictures are addictive.

Sometime I'll have something better to say. I promise.

it set me off.
yes
yes it set me off.
it all started when I stopped.

For what are now MONTHS of keeping constant.
keeping away.
keep going.

Now it's 6:48 A.M. and I kept going...until...

wait before I start with this i will rewind to somewhere i can't really time-stamp or describe due to the way my clock works and the way it "works" in my mind...

the only way I can just explain in raw truth of what is what and who i've been discovering as me through trials of life and love in very specific circumstances; is through a somewhat drawn out yet direct and undefined attempt of journal entry, free to view by all who choose to.

a riddle not because I want to hide it or mask it, but because I want to be totally real with it, and in the way I will start to state is the closest i could possibly get to show exactly to who ever reads the pattern, process, and reflex in which I have worked through such a time that was actually an end of a change and the beginnings of both more ends and more try agains...

and I found some answers in myself just through analysing how i write.
It was not to appear in any way to be something else, or to act or play off being other than myself. It wasn't to be so vague so no responsibility had to really be claimed. Or to be too cryptic to not really be seen. It was how i said what I knew, and the gray or unknown in all of it was the same gray and unknown i held inside...i shouldn't speak in past tense as though I've changed so much...it's just that it's all...past anyway really. I know that it's true though...it did stem from fear of being seen and my own initial desires and intrigue way back when...way way back...so yes, again we can say...it was all my own doing, but being the person i was, such acts of self reservation and with holding were what i knew, all i knew...way back in the first story back in time...years...before this one told (not just one really, these stories were entertwined before they even began)as both end and begin i'll start with an end...

don't know what this is
WHAT IS THIS?

Dreamt with you time and again. I remember all the dreams all the time. temple to temple, four eyes darting across the dark ceiling. Dreaming before sleep like dreamers do.

(everything else is gone gone gone... it's whatever we make it now. we can make what we dream.
we can smile and think about us and everything to begin... real anew. real life. real good. together.)

Pain of past and trials anew just resting outside our world like they are imagined at best. clouded by...LOVE. by the 2 artists capable of such feats. content. I take it away like this for you so you can dream with me.


Time span of less than a month spreads and fills my memory like a month was ages and it's so profound. Because remembering some event and telling the story beginning with "a long time ago...months and months" and being corrected that months were simply weeks; leaves me lost a bit. a lot. just weeks? oh...yeah...
so what starts and what ends? and where? and when? why? how? in what order? what lives on and what is dead and lost? how do I find out which wires to trace to find the connection? when will i be okay?

Flashed back to the moment I found myself already in the huge, muddy hole in the ground. Eyelids ripped off and I was momentarily blinded by lights and reality. I called to you for help. you first, before anyone else...and not anyone the rest would have guessed...not anyone I was suppose to call on first... you... (still no clue) because there you were in just minutes, regardless, without question or expectation, self less; with a still BLEEDING heart. Traces of fresh scars all over your face, inflicted by the very person you rushed to save. Fearless. Disregarding all of anything else; just to try and help some how. You tried and although that battle was a loss, it paved a light onto a treaded path with so much clarity my life was now before an avalanche.

Should have been you number 1 you number 1, 2, 3? Fear and darkness and complicated silence set YOU off...into you. off of me. you. you. you. why not you? you cried why to a me that was only my face and my worn out limbs...and just the rest of those parts you saw of me when you weren't looking for me. just looked AT me to resolve you. SOLVE you.heart.mind. allieviate some fear. I watch you act out the answers to your own questions as you walk away with your answers (unanswered) your mind already told you what you decided you knew. so, unarmed and defeated without even a fight, i stumbled away in my fog...knowing i was being something not quite right but not able to be anything else, stuck back inside myself while amid such a mess to pick up...

Through the smog and fresh rubble your arms rushed to comfort, knowing effort may gain nothing...with ear peircing and blinding warnings the entire way, telling you to turn around, don't look back. I found instant relief and a heart opened generously to be taken if I would just hold out my cold, shaking hands. Formally this very heart had been teetering and torn on the edge of total destruction, yet it showed no signs. In all of the dark and under all of the self made mud slides, there I sat. Though it would have been deservingly alone; there came you, intentionally sliding down the hole, hitting rock and branch and landing on both feet. I look up. and out comes that heart of yours. the heart just nearly treaded on and left for dead. Handing it to me with forgiveness, recognizing the very person who had inflicted the unbearable pain as the same you were willing to give it right back to. In disbelief I grasped your arms for support and stood up. you took ahold of me. I leaned into you and together, thanks to your strength...we climbed to the surface.

Unaware. No idea, never knew I know I know had no clue. Walked away so not to see something reflecting back. Always teaching time and again ways and whys. Kept growing, kept showing, saw kindness and heart and good so...no clue...even the ones i gave. because i wouldn't give them all at first and never shook the lock..

yes yes; no clue of parts of me but what you don't know really; what i speak of is the no clue of your own parts...you thought you really knew you? or...maybe i'm wrong but there i went and went again because it was so true. all worth it all. so much certainty. so much filling. Even if i'm not all there I can fill the mystery (that held what i couldn't show you) with what you need and what's better anyway, for me. i knew it would all help you...lips tied then Mold into the perfect fit made of the base that was true (me simple) and build the rest with what i'm taught must distort to fit or replicate well enough to become it. Goodbye goodbye the clutter and mistakes and gray and unknown. hello my creation of ignorant interprettation of how to become so much more than what you are. so much better. Lots of parts exchanged. No reason to see the broader edges the path spans out to that I didn't simply glance from side to side to acknowledge...I looked at the footsteps narrowly inprinted ahead, the rest of the road faded from my mind and remembered as unneccessary.

After such natural dissaster of avalanche and distress; I was being lifted without doubt or question from another who could have rightfully turned away in resentment. While letting a decided future retire to a doubtful resignation, with pathetic displays of fight. I, in the same breathe, declared a want for the one left behind...undiscouraged, by my side. No fight inside, no grasp of the really real of what now was what and who was who. And with a solid sandstone of assurance and love, holding TIGHT. Steadfast. All else had been skewed and skattered within me as so much came to mind, surprisingly unseen. like, i baffled myself. like everything baffled me.


Roads all overgrown with weeds or unpaved or too steep. Inside such a scattered mind with such a strung along, tied, and knot-twisted heart...calmness settling from all unexpected storms gave hope for rest and time to seak out solutions. Soon There sprung other setbacks yet again, like all the shit hits all the fans. LIke always, like never before. Because this little bird was still just twitching and limping in circles when the next brick hit. Letting your eyes steal me out of reality, locked to keep YOU safe this time, immobile but aware. (just keep your eyes in mine just stay right here so i know you're okay). it worked that way as I prayed and what would have been an unsalvagable loss...though still affected...was counteracted in time enough to leave the scar to a non-visible smudge. Informed, you frantically needed to know i was okay so I let you know and all the unknowns came back in my ear when we spoke again after such time, ages (in my mind) and your familiar concerned and all-loving voice was there quickly searching me out for hope or...something I didn't know still in a labyrinth of trails and shadows with this one; so much festers here, best stick to the new and not let anything seep back out or in or let anything come creeping at your curious kitty-kat ways...away. bEcause Here is this amazing out pour of endless love and hope driven generosity. Why risk it again and myself again and your life again? Just to explore what these unsettling emotions may be.

Keep safe and unafraid and keep me laughing and unravelling. I Hold in high regard such a devoted heart, which shows me it's okay to be this way. To open up and more and more because it won't become something other than what you envisioned as an idea; you can learn me through and maybe through and through and it might just end up still being what you really loved at first was simply ME. Because it didn't start with lack of who i am. I wasn't afraid to tip your balance off it's board by showing something hard to see. You weren't afraid to just keep loving me.

Keep away and let me just forget and let you fade. I discovered that pain again and understand how it's not such a thing I can handle to even glance at to see a life so impacting and so carefree about it to all eyes who get you like brand new, stranger. Over times and times of learning to prepare for a fall or flee, it became constant and i was then, never unprepared so i could hollow that out and take it more even if i didn't need to anymore, it was part of me now regardless of whether i wanted it or not. Thought it was okay really thought i had it figured out without the rest of the world. Knew myself and I could do it and I remembered how strong the feeling once was so i could try and get that back or...i could give it. but i ruined so much. you helped. i hid though. you hid first. i hid more. walls up. something i had to understand the meaning of after time, after needing to build my own. one off the path period set me down a whole other spiral you couldn't see, when back on the path again time was too far past to fix.

With you and life and keeping close and busy and away throughout and after and begining now... Then gone in long goodbye but okay because it's just a bit. Then fear strikes without warning by warning from the most odd place. Letting you know how so so so...i feel. THat fear i didn't expect because i just became at ease with letting go...and being good with all parts that take part...you rush back so far just to keep me, to keep me sure and i scared the hell out of you by my own fear; so scared you had to leave that night to see me. Unbelievable, you are amazing. I; undeserving. and those last two nights seeped a sinking tummy twinge, fought off sleep so hard...tried to keep you up with me. the worst the day you left...


Its about so much more in all little turns and twists and rises and falls, it's now...now

Fell off Wednesday morning. Left (no alternative I know I know, it's okay) alone.

brakes slammed like a freight train and the long linking cargo burried me.

life.

you love me just the same no?
no.
I don't know.

What is this what IS THIS THING?
so i'm sunken inside and sick and deprived.

but i had to figure out all the things i kept only getting pieces of in my head.
sorting with in mind my distorted head for time and for grasp.

and when i fell it hit like total loss of all hope.

and regaining
is just a good nights sleep away.

Finally I have time to download some pictures.
I can't get them all downloaded yet but here are a few...






This is Akasha getting very annoyed with me trying to get her to smile for the camera.
She's a princess.
















This was me back in June before I moved and when I still had red hair. I don't think I had slept in about 2-3 days that night. That's why I'm so animated.














This is just some pointless doodle I took a picture of. I was bored. Both when drawing the picture and when taking the photo...but it ended up looking kind of interesting on my camera so I decided to put it on my blog. It's all related...somehow.













I took a picture of myself driving to work. Because I was sick of waiting for the light to turn green. oh...and also because I'm a dork.

















Those is muh toes. That's an amazing painting that's on my bedroom wall. It was painted by a really awesome artist...she is also very sexy and has an amazing personality too. hmhmhmhmhehehehe....












Jezebel chillin' on the couch smoking. I tried to make the image sharper but it just didn't quite do what I was going for...that's okay it's the only pic of jez i have downloaded and I love my roomie.















More pics later, don't worry kitty kats and puppy dogs.

Just wanted to drop by and say hello to my blog I've been neglecting.
because I have the chance.
you came so far because you wanted to save something you thought you may lose.
that means something.

but it's not that I don't believe you.
it's not that I don't want to feel something.
it's that I can't help that fear when it gets brought to my attention that it's possible.

she may have been tricked.

I think so.
but I don't want to get tricked.

I know a lot. like. i know i can just be happy and myself without worrying about every little mistake I make because it's just me you love.

that's really....different and good.
something I will not take for granted.

just be patient.
it may just be okay.
Okay?

So Lallapalooza kicked ass.
so so so many good shows. very addictive. concerts i mean. i love music so much...NIN in Cleveland on Oct. 9; kick ASS. I'm pumped. I really need a computer and internet of my own because I hate having to be limited on time.
I'm really melancholy right now. Work is okay. So much shit just falls apart in the rest of my life though. That, or things you want, good things; that you HAVE even. (okay that I have) I don't have entirely because there are elements that get in the way.
I feel like my path in life has been totally shaken and I have to find a trail under the rubble. I'm working on it. I'm procrastinating though. and my memory is so bad lately. jez is like my mother when it comes to knowing when I work and things I need to get done. She has to tell me things i forget all the time. Makes me feel a little crippled but I'm really going to try harder at it. I think it's because; with all the crap and stress and negativity and problems that happened all at once (like usual, worse than ever before though so this time I couldn't shut everyone out and try dealing alone) I needed to be taken care of and safe so other aspects of my life that I am responsible for became less independent and more crutching onto stronger people. If that makes sense. Anyway I pretty much ended up surrendering and admitting I needed some support and love; which, i figured out, i never do. or haven't for years. Complications. Issues. anyway.
I'm going to try putting some pics on here now from my camera phone.

I like posting my horoscope when it hits right on like this:

Being critical of yourself won't get you anywhere. You know that, but
that doesn't mean you won't do it, especially if you're feeling guilty
about something. Before you really get going, think about your good
qualities.

I'm ready for some peace and quiet and uneventfulness and some good things and no more shit. overlapping things to deal with starts to age on me...i have aged 5 years this week and it shows but I'm really lucky when it comes to my coping skills and I'm lucky people care enough to be there when I need them the most. I thank God for you. Each of you willing to drop everything and hold my hand and wipe my tears and forget my faults and petty shit. I love you. Those aren't just words to me and my throat will stop them from escaping my lips if it isn't true. 'I LOVE YOU' is sacred and when I say it I feel it to the core and the meaning of love is there; completely...so don't question those words...you can question anything else not followed with action but when I say i love you; i believe i show it at the same time...even if I'm only speaking, only typing, only texting, signing, singing...those words are profound when they come from me. They mean what they mean...and love is the most simple thing to know, it's not complicated with explanations or different components, it's just simple, pure, flawless, yet it's the most important thing about humanity and the only true thing that makes life worth living...it's the little taste of heaven we get here on earth, that lets us know there's more...gives us that spark inside hinting...regardless of all of lifes trials...that that little taste could be the only thing we feel after this, that is all there is, everywhere, all the time...pure joy forever...imagination ages from true possibility to just HOPE as we go from innocence to adulthood. But because it is inherent; I know holding on to imagination, love, possibility, joy...and every other heavenly parts of the human soul; makes life better, easier to live, and closer to real happiness in the end.

This wasn't meant to be a rant about love...but...I can't help myself sometimes. I cannot believe how strong of a person I didn't realize I was. It makes me only want to be stronger. I was blessed with the gift of quick recovery without lack of understanding lessons learned.

Everything is not okay and i'm not full of joy or anything right now...but I know, I understand...so it makes me more hopeful that I will be okay soon and the years I aged this week will fall back off a bit.
you fall down
YOU GET UP.

...it's just that I think about when you go away...and it makes me sick...

In four minutes you will be gone and I must tell you why...

When a star crashes the angels are electrified.
life changes in ways you can't imagine.


Your dreams are perfect, they are like machines

Leaving you dizzy

When you first discover you died everyone seems to be saying goodbye
Your dreams are perfect, they run like machines

You must change your life.
You are never ready.


There are people you have to leave behind…

You must change your life

You are a diamond…
They don’t value your treasure.

You fall down…you GET UP.

You must change,
You are never ready.

You are nothing special and you are such a gift.

If you had one wish; you’d be just like everybody else. (Imagine the tragedy.)

You must change your life.

You are NEVER ready.

Love is like crying,
Like writing
Like dying…
You have GOT to do it.

I know it’s tragic to be tender.

I know it’s dangerous to be kind.

I know it’s vicious to care.

Listen to me: I KNOW what’s going to happen to you.

You don’t need a window...
or a fire escape.

You must change your life.


You need a skyline to get to where you’re going

I can’t tell you where..

And you dream that you are hollow, and you dream that you are whole.

Reconstruct what you remember….and it comes out in pieces.

You must change your life
You are never ready…

(Those people can’t hold you up.)

Everyone is gone gone gone…


Everyone is gone.

Learn to swim alone.

Learn to fly.


(You are never ready.)

You MUST change…
too quick to care to understand...

Cast them off like long rope…learn to swim in the dark water alone
Look up to the stars stars stars…
And know that this is YOUR sky now.
(You know it could be.)

LIFT your arms above you; step forward, know who you are and leap.

Look fast and burn through streets. Hover over trees and speed past taxis.
Don’t even bother to wave at the children who watch you; awe struck.
Brushing past skyscrapers. And looking up…up

Slip off the long skirt that holds you down; and don’t look back and watch it billow to earth.

Tell the cool jets and Superman that you’re passing them. Feel your hair stream back with the wind blinding you, forcing your dry mouth open.

No one can touch you now.

Get OUT of this fucking world;
You must change your life
As FAST as you can.

I

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?
Because I do not hope to know again
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is nothing again
Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessed face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice
And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us
Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

Here is my horoscope for Sunday, June 19:

There's a puzzle here for you to solve, a thread of thought and
feelings for you to unwind. Concentrate on seeing to the heart of the matter
-- you won't feel quite comfortable again until you do.

So yeah, like, uh... when I DO figure it out will i feel comfortable? hmmmm.
It's daddy's day. I miss my daddy. Parents have been in alaska for the last couple of weeks and I worked from 11-9:30 today so I didn't really get to talk to him. So many strange interactions with people that confuse me lately in ways. everythings been totally different moment to moment lately. Nothing seems too defined...nothings seems real or maybe really real for the first time...I don't know.
It's all too hard to explain right now but I range from happy to excited to terrified to angry to depressed to detached to anxious to apathetic and so on, in the matter of moments. I know my job is part of it and how I am with people ect... how people have mood swings around me, how my environments are never consistent... I don't know exactly what to do i suppose. i don't really know much anymore...well...I do know some things for certain i suppose...lol
shut up kara.
okay anyway.
i'm not really too chatty
adios

boob

I feel so much better tonight than I did when I wrote that last blog. it's funny how much different my mood is depending on sleep and health and company ect. I'm glad i have tomorrow off and about that last blog i've actually changed my mind on how I feel completely already.  NO, I'm not flighty at ALL.

I have a lot to say but i'm really tired...dreams, thoughts, ideas, weirdness...lots going on. but i'm too tired to explain that. i guess i'm just drifting and thinking and right now it's about doubt. because I've been doubting myself lately and certain things. Questioning whether or not I can accept, get past, or deal with certain things... things i think, now that I look back...i just thought would change or go away. then I forgot to remember, you should not expect change. I doubt myself and things I can handle right now... because of who I am and what I feel. because of feelings I cannot control. very vague now, because I also doubt my ability to EVER actually have the ability to come out and state certain things I cannot handle or things I "hate". because I cannot deal with that feeling of discomfort either. SO basically I suck? that's how I feel right now. but I cannot control certain feelings i have. I'm so vague right now, this is probably pointless, but the feeling boils. and the problem with women is we don't just forget something and get over it if it comes to surface again... we feel just as intensely that negativity towards whatever it may be that we initially felt. At least most women. So i just ask others what they'd do and they don't know cuz they don't really feel like I do about some things. So I get stuck and just think about reaccurances in the future tense...and how I will feel...and whether or not I could take some things after awhile. whether or not they will create bitterness or resentment towards anyone because of the festering...because of the lack of ability to speak it. Truth? Truth. What is really real I wonder? sometimes I wonder. I've been in a blackness today like I imagine the deepest parts of the ocean being. drowning in ways. i run away, or i run towards something...but does it matter where I go today? because I am not inside myself. or maybe just clear back in the back of me.... I'm not sure. I'm drifting...eyelids dropping and jerking back up. i'm noisy. it's something i got from my mother, curious. wondering whats hidden inside people. no matter how open or real. i still want to get to the parts they'd rather not anyone see...even themselves. do i get to myself that way? sometimes. but i don't get invasive to a point of trespassing into a person's locked property, in whatever sense of the word. just enough to look more closely at things free for me to see. those things may not be considered, remembered, or thought of by the person unless they realize so after they see i see. but they take responsibility then, because they welcomed me there. this probably is nonsense to everyone. because I'm sleep dep, retarded and dead tired. anyway, good night, i might clear up later.

I looked back farther into the beginning of my blog (this blog) to set certain time-frames right in my mind. Looks like it started sooner than I remember but I still don't remember. I remember some parts. But not the connections and the flow of things throughout time. I don't know why it really matters, maybe because I hear people speak in terms of length and make connections with themselves that way. I know what I tell myself in my head about life and myself and and so forth. I remember one time that seemed ages ago and maybe it was...I really can't remember I don't have a clue...You came and saw me at my rawest form of vulnerability and weakness and let me know it wasn't good, I wasn't happy...you told me. Why is time so askew in my mind? I want to know, I want to fix it. All the tragedy and dances with disconnection lately pulled it all out of me full force and I became the ugliness I hate about the world. It didn't take over, it didn't consume me or any such thing...but it momentarily influenced all of my humanity. Then it took nothing but a warm dream and goodnight to fix it. Yet I feared it never going away. Vague. duh. So I basically broke down entirely for the first time in I don't know how long...a long long long time. i do know that. I think the last time i had such a panic attack was when I was with Micah but he was there to help me. this time I was alone in my bathroom and no one was around, I had no way to get anyone there either so I had to let it pass and it was ridiculous, the way I couldn't stop. I'm sure if anyone had seen me in such a state they'd have called the ambulance but I'm glad no one saw because I didn't need that and no one needs to see such things in me anyway. Total light-headed, mush-brain followed then I went back to work. was happy at work, then anger hit again. It goes: Pain (hurt, sadness, depression etc.), Anger, Lethargy or exhaustion, depression, sleep, then content. but the cycle was so rapid, hourly even. I think it's over. The funeral was today and my mom sang but I didn't play the piano, I didn't practice and I was way too nervous but my mom's voice was lovely and I laid on the couch all day afterwards. maybe that's all I needed to get past. Just this day. I hope your mom is doing better too, i think about her all throughout the day and pray and worry. i know it'll be okay though. i feel like...a lot of things are to get better soon; an dI'm glad i feel that way because usually I'm right about the feelings i sense coming on. cuz I'm like psychic and shit. yeah. goodnight kitty cats.

So I just now scrolled through some of my archives and discovered comments I hadn't read before. He really needs to pick up a hobbie. I really don't need the attention, thanks... and really you should ask yourself why you take the time to #1 read, and then are inclined to use your energy and time to #2 comment. I appreciate feedback, insight, criticism and so forth but it's a bit sad that you still 'care' enough to be curious and things I say effect you enough to spark a response. and not even a response but just empty insults or accusations and mainly based on self-centered ASSUMPTIONS that you have a clue of who or what I'm talking about or that it even has anything to do with any part of the life YOU know. There's a difference between reclusion versus rearranging and sorting people and life-momentous views, by the way. I understand your curiousity etc. in the things I'm saying or thinking but your motives for why you want to know I BELIEVE (correct me if I'm wrong) are simply to search for some type of fuel for your fire; more reasons to try and tell me all about myself and things I've fucked up. I mean it's GREAT that you're so wise that you only need the bare minimum facts, conversations, thoughts, or feelings to unravel the entirety of things in people's lives whom you have NOT been a part of for some time. And OF course you would assume that what I'm saying must have something to do with SOMETHING you know of. Why wouldn't it. I mean really, why do YOU think you even bother? I'm done with that life, I've grown from all of those things, people and so on; and I too have been guilty of letting the curiousity take over but I did get to a point where I refused to let myself anymore because by taking time to read pieces of other people's lives you aren't in and ended on a sour note; you're not letting yourself really let go of that even though it's also impossible to ever BE part of that again EITHER. It's just the common human difficulty of letting go of the past. Most people don't just throw it out and start over, it fades, tapers, and eventually stays a memory. Best remembered for the lessons that point in life taught you and learning not to repeat mistakes you or those around you made that caused strain or pain in life. I suppose that could be it, and I don't really hold it against you; maybe you're just not to that point yet. I mean I pray to God your motives aren't bitter, negative attempts to show ME something about myself by the same, repeated insults that have absolutely no substance or backbone. And ALSO carry with them the idea that you may believe you are showing me something I either don't already know or something of me in which you are certain yet I, (being ME) was unaware of. That would be extreme and I'm sure it's not the case but IN CASE that was in mind I can save you time and tell you it won't work. Something to think about, that perhaps may not have crossed your mind. I hold no bitterness towards anyone from my past that may have hurt me. BUT, and this may be the shocker, I also have no regrets of my past; because each part led me here and it's true, I like to take to hard way sometimes. My dad always told me that, right-o daddy. And you know what? I'm thankful for the things I've learned from you and others like you that stand on the opposite side of the burned bridge. I can keep those lessons and I even hope that those from past relationships, regardless of the bitterness they may hold, have learned something from me that they didn't know before, that shows them maybe just a bit more of all infinite parts of life. Something beneficial...even if it's slight. I'm happy to grow past it though; my desire to mend, understand, or debate anything in regards to my past is virtually gone. So I hope you get to that point and just move on. peace.

We must understand that the character of our citizens is essential to society. In a free and compassionate society, the public good depends on private character. That character is formed and shaped in institutions like family, faith, and the many civil and -- social and civic organizations, from the Boy Scouts to the local Rotary Clubs. The future success of our nation depends on our ability to understand the difference between right and wrong and to have the strength of character to make the right choices. Government cannot create character, but it can and should respect and support the institutions that do.
If you haven't read the article or heard about it or watched the speech; basically if you don't already know who said this I will give you 2 guesses.

these last couple days off have kicked AZZ. Unfortunately it's back to work at five but I feel much better about life after this little break. OH YEAH and if you haven't checked out the new Strongbad E-mail CHCHCHECK it. (click on my homestar link and at the bottom of the homepage it says sb email. click on that. "Yeah I never change my clothes...no no no..." anyway. Girl Anachronism was not written by me it's a Dresden Dolls song. I should specify these things eh? It seemed apropriate. so check them out too. I've added a few links to the faves and blogs section over thur <--- if you didn't notice. Pees.

.......basically I don't like to just hand people more fuel for their fire.

I'm vague because I KNOW who reads this. I say enough to understand myself and just enough so that anyone involved or anyone I may be refering to knows who they are. Some people that read this though are just unable to let go and they would never admit so in "real life" because they are adament about how little they care. If I wanted evryone to know all of my innermost thoughts and secrets i would just openly publish my personal journal. This isn't my personal journal. It is a public blog.

some people criticize thoughts or opinions of others NOT because they disagree or can argue them faithfully but merely because of the person, herself, who forms the opinion or thought...or idea...or observation. because whether fact or fiction some people want to try and tear you down somehow because the hope they have hold of parts. when, in truth, THEY are the one's who cannot let go... you fade like stories and regrets as time goes. you fade. sorry if you can't accept or handle that. i'm so excited about all the new things happening in my life. I am happy with forever :)

It's hard for a lot of people to understand things other people do or ways other people are or decisions other people make unless they, themselves have experienced similar 'life'. Most of the time no matter how much you try to explain something about yourself to someone who hasn't had anywhere near a similar life experience or alike crosses to bear, or lessons learned, they cannot truly understand you in the way you need to be understood. That is why, in this thing= life; humans tend to be drawn to those with not only similar beliefs, ideas, values, personalities, and interest but equally those with similar experiences. Understanding. Many times a person will say they understand, insist on it, and likely believe they really GET IT but; in truth they don't and virtually can't. And if you're the one who needs the understanding, you're the one who KNOWS whether or not you're TRULY being understood. So you feel bad because you're being told "i understand, i do" but you know it's not true and you see how much honesty is in those words; and it pulls at your heart because you don't know what to do. Maybe you immediately accept that this particular person won't understand and you let them go because you know the longer it takes the more damage created. Maybe you decide to keep going in hopes it will eventually turn out okay because you are inspired by their passion in believing it is worth it; YOU'RE worth it, no matter how ignorant or innocent or totally clueless they may be they WANT to be there so you let them, carelessly and selfishly because you still KNOW the likelihood of a happy-ending is slim to none yet you cowardly remain motionless. No action...just a false reality paving your future. Or maybe you're a person who knows the difference between innocence and experience, the youthful carefree and the jaded and damaged. And you know the understanding factor and YOU need understanding and THEY believe they understand. Truth remains they don't. You try and explain; they insist it doesn't matter. Possible future pain and damage from continuing on doesn't matter because it's worth it. because they love you and you love them and that's all that matters. They want to spend THIS time with you regardless of what may happen. You hear them out. Maybe you know better because you know PEOPLE and you know LIFE and you know how love clouds the vision and tricks the heart when not handled with care. But because of need and because of 'love' and because of fear you don't just go but you don't just stay either. because you're not quite strong enough either way. Yet you warn them in everyway possible and you think that's enough...from there it's up to them to make choices in keeping your friendship, your love, your company, your faults and damage. You lie to yourself by thinking it's their choice, their power. As if they would be able to see at all. So it ends bitter and painful just as you feared and contrary to their previous plees and objections; you find it DID matter. Are their other possibilities to this scenario? Depending on the type of human being you are determines your decisions in these situations. I suppose it COULD be possible for a person to learn to understand as time progresses but I don't believe it ever gets to that point in most cases because of patience, self-need and emotion etc. i've seen a lot of friendships and relationships similar to these. Sparked by a conversation i had today with a boy who was talking about dating and age difference etc. You really don't even have to be jaded to understand THAT for the most part; you only have to compare yourself now to yourself years before and how different you are or how much you've grown or changed your views of the world... you can't really do that on the other end. if you're the youngen. you can't really grasp the difference. but I suppose the initial point was that if you have experienced so much life or certain things that have changed you extremely; it is reletively impossible to have a lasting connection or close friendship with a person whom has experienced little or none of it. you can teach them things and you can give them a better idea but you can't let them bite off more than they can chew because they won't know why you let them have such a big piece in the first place. But people learn. life is really just one huge lesson of a journey. everyone hurts someone at some point whether they mean to or not. whether they can control it or not even. And you only really hurt those you hold dear, because no one else really gives you that power. But it doesn't make you a bad person. It adds to your pallette and it might suck A LOT. If you can look at your life and the things you do and your efforts and your HEART and your intentions as well as your faults and your weaknesses and your vices and mistakes. If you can look at ALL of it with open eyes and see how you can improve in order to be a better human being and be happier with yourself and then take steps everyday in those directions no matter how many times you fall; you can bet it will all be worth it and you will grow happier, more peaceful, more confident, and more accepting of other people's ways, views, and actions towards you and towards the world (other people's harsh beliefs and judgements towards you won't matter so much). If anyone who reads this finds themself in a situation with another person that I previously described I would reccomend the first decision as the best. It is the most valiant path; it may leave you lonely for awhile and it may hurt you both for a brief while...but being strong enough to walk away before it's too late will save that person from learning the hard way and they may even find that experiencing life with someone just as inexperienced is more exciting anyway. and if they say it doesn't matter in the end just remember that living only in the moment all your life will cause a lot of built up future consequences that you will consistently try to keep avoiding until it's too late and you crash. True virtue can better be found when you responsibly consider the consequences of every moment. You can have JUST as much fun but you will appreciate it more...and experience it longer.

how does someone i don't even know nor have i ever met strike a spark of jealousy in me? i get mad. i read things i promised myself to not read and then, randomly deciding to...for SOME unexplained reason; read again...and i see her name and...why do you mention her? you don't know her...don't say her name...reading you i see you're nothing but a lacky wannabe, hoping to be labled as: known as someone...don't say her name. you don't know her...i know her. i'll always know her better than anyone...whether or not proximity is an issue. I'm not suppose to care.. I mean it's outwardly proven that i do not.. but it inflames my heart.
passionately almost and I want to lash out. but i know i'll keep it all in and it will drowned away eventually...but right now it's open and i'm not gaurded enough. i just hope that you are happy. happier now; i mean you SHOULD be...without all the crap of ME in the way. I know it's better, but...sometimes human drama is hard to brush off as distraction. "Creation, Destruction, Creation, Destruction"
okay...that's from the movie I HEART HUCKABIES...but it's true in part. Awesome movie P.S.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs. scream you out. puke you out. drink you out. you're always there though. i think just time. i will wait you out. time helps me forget. there's so much i've forgotten. like Micah. I barely remember that part of my life. it's hard...i have to strain to remember any of it. It's not all what some may think who may read this though. The parts i want to keep...remember...be in forever...are the parts i'm keeping close and staying WITH. i am better like this. As human. As traveler. As lover. Some people are hard to just leave behind though.

"How am I not myself? how am I not...myself? how am I
NOT myself? myself? my
self? How am i NOT myself?"

I wrap my white arms around the
black box where you live now and
listen to you talk to me all night.
One leg tucked under
your hands in your lap
head leaning to the right
resting on the inside of the oven door.
I can hear you humming sometimes
right before I fall asleep
you will always be 8 years old to me
and when I am with you on these secret nights;
so will I.

Finally saw Garden State; it was a pretty good movie; made me cry a couple times so that means it must've been pretty good. Also watched Prozac Nation with Christina Ricci; that was also pretty good if not severely depressing...but it portrayed depression very realistically and accurately. It was just this girls life; hardly a movie at all it seemed...and it was honest; no embellishment; no exaggeration. I could relate to her character in a lot of ways which could be considered unfortunate I suppose. So. I had yesterday and today off and its 3:30 PM and I still am not out of my PJ's. I have so much to do and plan for but I'm totally zombified today. Floating and detached...I want something to spark a reaction inside of me...feeling of some kind; pure laughter, joy, creativity, anger, passion...anything. I want to be excited about something but today...I don't feel anything at all except the dull drone of another day and the ticking clock and MYSELF...back in the far corner inside of me. Somewhere. I know it will pass...it always does...days without sleep then days with nothing BUT sleep then I get back to what I am and remember to stay there...that's the trick...remembering why I have to stay there; because that's when everything makes sense and I Start to get everything back again. I don't want anyone to be effected because of my blogs...to read and then wonder and then question or anything. Because I know how temporary this is...possibly even so aloof that when I publish this post it will be good as gone. I need to shower. There’s mascara smeared all over my face and I've developed a bed head mullet. I dreamt a lot though...all night and then when I went back to sleep at 11 this morning...I dreamt SO much...it was just my life being played out in my subconscious. so maybe it's harder to wake up sometimes when you realize you haven't actually done anything at the peak of waking. Disappointment sets in and you just want to sleep it off again. a friend and I were talking and he was telling me of how he wishes sometimes that he would have just ignored his conscience and done a bunch of drugs and had sex with all sorts of people and just let loose and had fun because it wouldn't matter either way; because no one has to pay consequences for their actions anyway. but I guess I was always an exception to that rule....I’ve always paid. but I get what he means because there are so many people who go through life doing whatever they want and never having to change because they never have to pay for what they do. people don't change unless they have to but I had to. and I did. I always paid. but I’m glad he always had his conscience because he wouldn't be the same person and that would be bad. and I know, like most of us who partied too much in our lives, how certain things never leave you once they've touched your life. no matter how many years and lives you go through without them...you still KNOW them...how they make you feel WHY temptation could be the death of you...why you're never the same. In opposition I would say I wish I never had done so many things because then I would never know what they are; what they do...loss of innocence would have been more gradual and natural and less forced. but then who would I be today. don't like to think about it I guess...because in my mind I would be a far better person than whom I have ever been or could ever be again. it's not worth dwelling though. just a thought. I don't miss anyone who isn't in my life anymore. the fewer people in my life I’ve noticed; the happier I’ve become. there's no bullshit there; it's been weeded out. and that's all that matters for the most part. and maybe it isn't that they were bad for me really; but maybe I was bad for them, maybe bad for each other. I'm thinking about these things because my mom was on the phone right before I got online and she was asking about people. People I tend to avoid thinking about in every way possible. The other night T-bone was at the core of these things, at least emotionally...and he said "These people need to go to another planet of their own; where we don't have to worry about every seeing them again...where they stop getting in my head” it’s hard to understand certain people sometimes and that's how I felt not too long ago when I was just going to move away and start over from scratch. Starting over can be good; you never have to worry about falling into the same patterns you so eagerly wanted out of. but sometimes we just have to figure ourselves out first. This whole time...that's all I've been doing, and it's been easier than I thought but the hardest parts were doing so without verbalizing it openly...while still living out my daily life the best I could without screwing it up...of course there are always glitches that get in the way...nothing is ever easy. but I’m happier now than I’ve been like....ever. I didn't really know it was possible I suppose. but I’m so clear on what I want and what I need to do to be who I want to be. I'm proud of myself for a lot of reasons but I don't take all the credit... some things have no explanation but that they are simply miracles. Remembering that makes it easier to deal with RIGHT NOW...and this day of detachment and melancholy. Because I know...on a sliding scale...it just gets better.

SLEEPWALK

I think I've been asleep
I saw lights on the road
Clouds moving overhead
At a speed I couldn't follow
It was very dark
I tried to keep my eyes
On the white lines
But the sky

Where are you?
WHEREAREYOUWHEREAREYOUWHEREAREYOUWHEREAREYOU?

There were voices in the trees
And if he came to me
I knew I'd feel him and so I opened

Where are youWHEREAREYOUWHERETHEfuckAreyou?

Do you believe in anything?
Do you think it can be explained?
Why if I dreamed was I awake?
Why in his love am I afraid?
Why did I fall to my knees?
Why did I cry out
Please?

I think I've been asleep
I saw lights on the road
Clouds moving overhead
At a speed I couldn't follow
It was very dark
And so I can't be sure
But it seemed a little pure
For a sleepwalk

His hands are not soft
His voice is not loud
His comfort not mine
His justice not kind
There was movement in the trees
And then he came to me
I knew I'd feel him
And so I opened

I added the other blogs to the sidebar; including my new one.

This one is pretty good too; this guy is interesting: http://gardensnake.blogspot.com

Here is a blog that is interesting if you like political discussions. i will add it to the sidebar when I have more time: http://irrationalview.blogspot.com

it is here that i feel most certain of who i am and what I want. it is here i am happy and smile without effort. everywhere else i'm a little sad or uncomfortable or 'away'...not everywhere i suppose but a lot of other personal social settings; they seem to fit me less and less and it makes me sad sometimes; i'm glad for the person i'm becoming and the one i'm leaving behind...a lot of people aren't glad because it means different things to them; mostly it stems from selfishness but i'm a pretty damn understanding person so i don't get too upset about those things. An "intruder" appeared at the party the other night over at tony's and caught me off gaurd. looking back i see no other reason for him showing his face other than to confront me...and the confrontation i see as being completely pointless itself. but he said "don't you miss having a little group of friends to turn to? you've become a recluse." his voice was insulting. but the fact is i do have a little group..just different and smaller than when he was in it. and being alone is often more healthy than not when it comes to certain situations. anyway. he had no purpose but to try and tear me down. unfortunately he doesn't see me at all as who i am today. because he doesn't understand me; but also because he's not there to understand; which is how it's suppose to be. I haven't really talked much about that part of the party to anyone because it's not something i find necessary to bring up i guess. so, on a different note; I'm so bad at getting ahold of people or returning calls lately because i think i'm just afraid to get involved with people due to trust. involved as friends; but i do want good people in my life. i'm also afraid of the jealousy factor. jealousy is a good thing to NOT have in my life. I wrote for hours in my personal journal (a real live notebook!) the other night. it's a free, relieving feeling to write without ANY thing in the back of my mind involving anyone else reading in. because regardless of what you say, your online journal cannot be completely free and open; you write here with in mind that others will see what you have to say. Try and deny it all you want; but the whole purpose of blogging is a type of expression...reaching out or saying something you may not be able to say otherwise. so i wrote in my personal joural and it was good. it was all about the past yaer and Mike and our relationship and my other friends and how clear things become when you aren't living in the moment but reflecting and responsibly choosing a path. i really hate the fact that i've hurt some people though; it's hard for me to think about because it makes me sad. but i have to force myself sometimes; just to remind myself...to learn from history. i've loved some people that i can never speak to or see again because i know it's better for THEM that way and i know i can't be to them what they want me to be. i never really was. Trying to be in their lives would be more painful and more of a struggle than anything else. I'm not as fucked up as I used to be. i'm really much better these days; better off; less confused...less distraught. more EXCITED about life; aware, open. Leaving wells fargo is SUCH a relieving thing; there's some type of WEIGHT just gone. even though i haven't starting working yet again and money worries me; i'm so much more at ease. i mean i technically have 2 jobs (cosi cucina's and huhot) but i haven't starting working yet. i'm going to be really poor this month; but it'll be okay i think. so, i like my life so much better here. anyway, i'm out. (dammit this computer doesn't let me spellcheck!)

Something's wrong. I don't know what it is but it isn't just me and it isn't just anyone; it's everyone and everything and something is WRONG.

There's one hell of a party going on in the other rooms of the house I am currently inhabiting (at this moment). I am at the computer of course. "don't let Kara get on the computer she'll never come back out to hang".... wonder why that is. maybe because 97.6% of the people out there I either; don't know, don't like; can't stand; or would rather forget exist in the same time and place as myself. but i don't hate any of them. i just do not feel a common place with them. I feel comfortable with most environments (including this) that I place myself in but due to my own morality, mortality, and self conservation, I choose to under indulge in the moments of the evening that eagerly ask for my indulgence. because I know better these days....i know more. i think that most of you put yourselves in these places...wherever the place may be...more consistently and more eagerly and more accepting than i could even fathom these days; in the ways i have become...but i don't hold that against anyone; it is just that some people care more to alter, better, or change their states. I was stood up for tonight by someone who is, for the most part, passive, passive-aggressive, feeble to a point, and entirely terrified of confrontation....but it is that fact that I
was important enough in his eyes, for him to disregard his comfort zone and overcome his social fears to speak up for. To stand strong and unshaken....Like a true MAN, who shown strength, for possibly the first time in his life (in my eyes). I saw a light that had been hidden or maybe never given the chance to shine, in this man, and it made me smile. Although, being the person I am, I could easily stand and voice myself and be certain and strong enough to hold my own and fight for myself... the fact that he cares enough to WANT to be there if I could not do it on my own...It proves more worth to me; in him as a human being and a good friend. In a time where question is constant in my mind, and the thought of total surrender and acceptance that it could be a loss cause. You proved me wrong. I know how hard it was for you. in a room full of blind-willed "men", passionate for things they do not know....you held your weapon, and showed that you know more than their own impressions, imaginations, and presumptive persistence could deny. I don't know if this makes sense right now. but you had truth and purpose; and you stood up with your truth and your purpose, and they sat blindsided, with their intangible ridicule and empty expressions. Now i believe, and i saw it in their eyes as I laughed and walked away; that they will no longer insist on what they do not know. because truth wins; every time.

I got a job! Yay! Starts Monday so i'll be having four days off. neat-o speed-o. I will be working at Cosi Cucina's. A month long training period before i start making any real bank but it should really be worth it in the end. i just have to try and survive until then. The relief and good feelings i have because of the difference i know it will be working there compared to wells is so well...RELIEVING. maybe ALL my zombie-like characteristics will go away now. like before i worked at Wells Fargo. that would KICK ass. The owner pretty much sat there talking to me for 3 hours. just talking. Then he hired me. i really wasn't expecting it. i'll be bartending and serving. Thank God. Back to a job i can enjoy. and it's family run and operated. very good vibes. no corporate bullshit. i will NOT work for corporate again. THIS i swear. and i won't have to deal with feeling like a total isolated outcast at work; people suck at that place man. not all of them....must most. there are probably 2 people there i would consider worth talking to again. anyway....just thought i'd update on that. night night.

So yeah. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................i think i'm getting a new job tomorrow since i believe i'm no longer employed, neat huh? retarded. whatever. story of Kara....
Anyway so Jez and I were up late because I couldn't sleep so i kept her up and we discussed going to the porn shop for a goof since nothing at home was satisfying us... i quickly retracted the idea though just thinking about the porn shop and the aura ect...in that place. The reason i am bringing this up is because of a fellow blogger's e-mail to me in reply to an early discussion about the porno industry and pornography. ALSO "Chase" and I had a somewhat similar discussion (he has the same attitude and the other boy i just mentioned about it) and since i'm not going to just be AOK with some Cockfaced view of the subject I thought I'd ellaborate on my opinions a bit. i get really sick to my stomach when i think about porn for some reason... the only times i've ever watched it was for a laugh, with a group of friends, mocking and laughing and such. sure people would get semi-turned on but it was never for that purpose and even when i think about THAT i get ill at ease. i believe it's the incredible problem i have with human objectification. i KNOW i know...we've all been guilty at one point or another of this, but in excess and overindulgence and so on, that really throws me off and above all TURNS me off when i think about people in this. even my closest girlfriend. it bothers me; i can't help it. all of it. maybe i'm just wrong or being too...i don't know...something...too something; i tend to be too "something" sometimes. but i guess it's just how i am. i really can say pornography and prostitution and stripping etc...are things i cannot stand to even consider accepting anymore, it could be also for my disgust in perversion and sexual deviance. The devient beget devience and it scares me to some point; also the secrecy of it. i guess it bother me less when a person is open about it, like TBone, for example...i can just say "sick, shut-up..." but be somewhat satisfied that he's that open about it. then again men and women are different. women hide dildos, men hide porn, homos hide lube and anal douches and dykes hide strap ons and......ANYWAY...okay i honestly fit in none of the above secrets. i have my images in my mind, my love and desire and physical human instinct and that's just fine. but even those are things of little significance to my daily thoughts and needs. Love turns me on. intimacy and truth and passion. guess i could just be boring...but don't ask or bring it up if you're expecting sometype of satisfaction that i'm just as perverse. you're disappointed that i'm not as "open" or "interested" in experimentation or alternatives to what i've already made my decision and determination in life for. i'm not trying to turn YOU on or please YOU... so, sorry! Being in love, in truth; makes you look at anything else you ever thought you wanted before or that you could possibly be satisfied with alternatively in a different light...so insignificant and unsubstantial. so surface and shallow and ridiculous when i think of it now. it's so different than what i once believed i suppose. and today, for the first time; i FULLY understood the importance of living for purpose and consideration and consequence. Living moment to moment can be a truly dangerous and evil thing....i really didn't understand to the point i now do..because moments can seem so overwhelming and right while you're in them but to be taken by them and to indulge in them frivilously; blind to the future whether moments to come or years...can lead to the ware of the soul and to the decaying of a heart. my heart is to be full and bright and true, for the rest of my life; no matter what... it's something so significant that the determination i have to grow in will and strength is so certain; i have no doubts.

advice of the day: #1....don't ever listen to my advice; moron.
#2. if I must give some advice it's this: catch them off guard.
you figure it out; you're the dumbass that is listening to my advice in the first place. Shheeeesh. No; okay really i'll ellaborate slightly: liars; if you want to catch a liar in a lie....catch them off gaurd and be blunt about it. the end.

here; i'm updating because I was being threatened and harrassed for not updating my blog. so i'm eating my delicious salad at the moment. of course i've been avoiding my blog because i know who reads it now and just don't want to worry about critism or non-playful harrassment or...judgement. i guess. i'll probably just stop blogging all together or create an entirely new blog with a new...genre or...a new type of blog...i have some ideas. it's true that blogs to some people have become a passive aggressive form of attack or other such things; a way for people to tell you something without worry about being held responsible for them i suppose... i only read blogs now that i know i will enjoy in some way...not just the journal blogs. anyway. shocked lots of people lately...which was to be expected...some people were happy shocked and others not so much...understandable...and not understanding is also expected...so it's like i just need to not worry about other people in some ways now because it doesn't matter how they see things or what they think...they wouldn't get it unless they are me...and they're not. anyway; my life is getting better every day...i feel a sense of goodness finally. stable goodness. i like it.

What makes the Ultra-Vacuous Anal Douche 4000 a necessity in YOUR home?

* Comfortable
* Easy to Use
* Simple to Clean

The ULTRA-VACUOUS ANAL DOUCHE 4000 is an easy to use cleaning system designed for comfort and simplicity.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE: before insertion, enter the vulcanite mount over the bulb probe. Submerge the tip of the mount in the fluid of choice while compressing the bulb. Allow the bulb to completely fill with fluid while relaxing the pressure on the bulb. Once full, insert into area to be DOUCHED. Repeat as needed.

*Please use water soluble lubricant on mount for ease of penetration and comfort.*

(real label, no joke...Don't ask)

TORI

oh yeah, dorks can give the sexy eye too...oh...that's the wine settling in... 

mmm hmmm, premium or unleaded baby...I got chu! 

YAY!!! MY ELVIS SPAM SCULPTURE IS FINALLY COMPLETE!! 

(what up third eye...oh wait...that's just a zit) 

... 

WARNING: DON'T LEAVE DIGITAL CAMERA WITH KARA UNATTENDED!!! All consequeces are the soul responsibility of the camera's owner. 

yeah, that probably really didn't make any sense. i was way too tired to make any sense at that point, in fact I shouldn't have even posted that last blog because of how many parts I left out.

Oh well. Haven't been to work the last couple of days, i'm getting better I hope though. Tori's new CD The Bee Keeper, is amazing, I also got her book: Piece by piece. I can't wait to read it. Saw her on Carson last night and cried, yes, cried...because she has a tendency to do that to me; plus I've been really emotionally lately therefore really "avoidy". except late at night when Jez and I are laying around or sitting around talking about things we should do. Our imaginations just go and we end up laughing until we can't take the pain anymore....no wait...we still keep laughing but we cry too. my abs still hurt from last night. We create such a different world in our little apartment sometimes. If we actually put some effort into doing some of the things we talk about, the ideas we have, we could totally kick ass at them....we could create things in life that we create in our minds and we could really share them with people, rather than trying to explain them. We have a book in mind to write together also. We could do it....


On another note I find lately that sex has become a repulsive thought to me. This...is weird... I have no idea why; not a clue. But I find that if there a sex scene in a movie on TV I'll get disgusted by it and turn my head or hide my eyes, if someone talks about anything sexually specific i'll be repulsed. I'm sure it's just a weird way I'm in at the time but I can't really figure it out. Maybe it also has to do with the recent surfacing of my thoughts on perversion and the male mind (not always just the male mind but mostly). I can't shake my thoughts about this lately and my feelings towards the way men are when it comes to sex. I'm sure it's also because the topic has come up often in conversation lately. There's no guy that I've gotten to know or been involved with that doesn't have at least SOMETHING that drives me nuts when it comes to the way he is about sex or females (unless they're gay, then they drive me nuts about their promiscuity with other boys.) But the fact that we've been talking about all these things recently makes it more in my thoughts I guess. I'm not saying I hate men. I just can't handle them when it comes to some things. I have many male friends, gay and straight, and I can enjoy their company and have fun with them and talk to them and it's fine, it's fun. Dating them? that's a totally different story. Mostly it's impossible and not very....interesting to me anyway. I am NOT getting into this right now. Anyway men and women are so different it's insane. We're equally human though, neither better nor worse than the other. Some of us (Kara) just can't stand certain things about boys. I could go off about some things about females that drive me nuts too but I'll save it for the book...

Alkaline Trio in May...going to Ohio; it's going to be great. We'll stay with mi numera una...(is that spelled right?) I'm rusty on my espanolo. May 6. awesome.
Can't wait...then the HSA Festival May 26....gotta save $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
fo rizzy.

oh yeah, I was going to write an explanation all about my thoughts of why i've made certain decisions but decided I didn't want to be emotional any more today...so I'll do that when the thoughts hit me again...if there's a computer around.

Hope everyone is well....Beki and Beth may be up Saturday, maybe they'll finally hang out with me this time (joke...kinda) but it would be fun. alright, off to read my Tori.

My mind is skattered right now, but this is my chance to write as much as I can so I'm going to try to take this chance.

lets start with a kara-like phsycological dissective introduction:

There are different kinds of people in the world (okay Miss States the Obvious). There are those that are constantly moving towards goals, future, plans. their thoughts and actions are set ahead of them and they follow the footprints they lay infront of them as precisely as possible. They make decisions based on how those decisions will affect the things they are working towards. They are calculated and organized.

There are then also types who think nothing of their future and constantly live in the now. they make decisions on things that seem right/good/pleasing at the time. their vision of goals and plans are limited, sometimes no further than the clarity of all they can make out in the very place they are and the very time they are there. These people also may not see any consequence of their actions when they make decisions because they are in the NOW. that, however, can very depending on other aspects of the individual. such as their personality, character traits, consideration, emotional state, intelligence, beliefs, and so on. A person who lives only in the moment can just as well consider consequences of their actions due to awareness of others and of environment and of common sense and menality. It basically depends on how much they truly care of the value and worth of their self as wells as those affected by them.

There are of course, then, those many individuals that fall on all levels in between...because we're all entirely individual, as well as exactly the same. But my personal belief on this is that every single individual on earth adds a part to humanity that was not their before they existed. No matter the good bad or grays in between of each person, we are all a part of the world and in some way entirely equal.


I live my life in a series of moments. I have spent SO MUCH TIME detaching from myself and analysing my flaws or quirks or traits of character. So much time that somewhere along the way I lost a connection to my core..."innerself" if you will. Reasons I started doing this were based on the parts of myself that would drive me nuts that I didn't understand that I felt like I had no control over. Other reasons were because of worry: worry about how I affect people around me, people I love, people I CAN affect. Then there were things like over worry of outward perceptions from others, not even always those I really knew...caring too much about what people think...trying TOO hard to do things 'RIGHT' according to other people's views of "right". Shaking off those silly thoughts (or trying to). but not in a healthy way. because I do have genetic and psychological THINGS that could very probably be of no fault of my own. so shaking off those things would subconciously but directly result in further emotional dettachment to OTHER people, and apparently to myself as well. Becoming submersed in determination to get to a point of self awareness that allowed me to be as clear as humanly possible, combined with equal determination of becoming a better person. strong, wise, kind, giving, spiritual, full of love...and many other 'good' visions. i got to a point where I realized, and this was very recent, that you cannot be so dettached from humanity and things and also be able to make what you want; betterment for yourself, life, and those around you; happen. To clean things up, self improve, life improve, WORLD improve you have to be willing to EMERSE yourself entirely in such things. you cannot dettach because of fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of future, fear of love, fear of death, fear of regret, fear of HURTING OTHERS AROUND YOU. you have to embrace and submerge and intake ALL of these fears FULL on like a warrior, like TRUTH and accept the pain will be there, you will feel it at it's peak and it will hurt and it will make you want to run. So. sometimes people realize things moments too late. did I? I still don't know the answer to that. because I have now come to a point where I feel defeated, i feel as though so much time has been thrown away. i feel as though I have willingly crippled parts of myself leaving me UNABLE to get back on the path i was so hopeful to take. There are so many things that seem to hinder me. I live my life in a series of moments, i do not dwell on the past or consume my thoughts with the future. i likewise, take responsibilty for my actions and am aware of affects my decisions have on myself and those around me. luckily i am a type who truly cares for others. But I want to live in my moments and cherish them like they are irrepricable. because they ARE. but there are things I want to fix so badly, things I want to get over and things i need to make better. and i feel trapped. there are extraneous things, family, lifestyle, emotional trauma and certain betrayals that come up recently that pile onto these problems. but I want to beable to do things the right way. the way i have LEARNED "right" to be. entirely involved in who I really am without dettachment or fear. but those are things I feel like I can't control.
Moments become memories and novels and legends. Jade and trauma and dettachment and lies and deceptive routines and abuse and any number of other awful things are the trials human beings face that become definitions for who you really are in the end. Free will and conciounce.
Love and Life.
I just want to become the good of who I am.

This day is becoming the longest day of my life. it should be 11 by now I swear. I often wonder why people have the preceptions they do about some things. Like their own image of self apposed to how they are seen by others...then there are other preceptions like assuming or preceiving a person expresses themselves in certain ways for certain reasons rather than believing they're just being who they are for no reason other than to be WHO THEY ARE. I don't know, there's lots i want to say about a lot of things right now but i'm at work and can't think without being constantly paranoid about getting caught blogging, but this weekend i'm going to be saying a lot I believe.

ding dong ding dong wallla wing wong

i'm a little disgusted with the fact that I just ate a cheeseburger.
first off, it was from the Wells Fargo vending machine.
number 2, it was a CHEESEBURGER (blaaaachhh) which is on the list of things I never eat.
and D, well, the cow was probably decomposing before they decided to haul him away and chop him up into not-so-tasty treats.
"why then, Kara, did you eat this blasted cheeseburger?" you're asking...(I know you are...)
well because some office-a$$ decided it was necessary to STEAL my chicken parmesan from Baratta's that I put in the refrigerator, the same refrigerator that everyone puts their food in with signs all over saying "don't take food that doesn't belong to you" and it could very possibly be that this chicken thief can't read because you don't need much more experience than a trained monkey to do half the processes at my corporate american occupation, but STILL, they KNEW it wasn't thier chicken parmesan. i mean come on, my taste buds were so looking forward to a delicious lunch. now I will probably get food poisoning or mad cow disease or hurrendous flatuation or some other such thing. but security just installed these 30th century cameras so I'm going to catch the culprit. i'm also going to catch the person on the other side of the cubicle that I KNOW hides a vibrator in their pants and hopes everyone shrugs off the noise as a cell phone... one day i'm going to walk by when it's vibrating and say "aren't you going to answer that?" "what kind of phone do you have?" "can I see it?" oh heads WILL turn.

so on another note I was laying in bed this morning and I hear my roomate in the living room saying in a high-pitched gaspy sort of breath, "you're so naughty kitty. my GOD, you're naughty, such a naughty kitty." so I'm thinking "WTF" and i get out of bed and come see what the heck she's doing to one of the cats. She's brushing Mr. K. "OHHHH, knotty" I sighed in relief and flopped back onto my bed. Whew. that was pretty freakin' funny though. she was laughing for a good five after that. I love Mr. K. He's so CUTE, he's my furocious lion. He's going to the kitty doctor Saturday morning because he's all sneezy. I realize that if the neighbors can hear half of our late night/early morning adventures they have probably come to terms with the fact we're a little crazy. I thought maybe Jez and I are a little strange and imaginative at times but then I just snapped out of denial and accepted it: we're nuts. that level we share and connect so well on sits perfectly on the line called "psychosis". but I'm okay with this. so this weekend is Alan's birthday party on Saturday night then sunday is my work director's band's concert at the house of bricks...Friday night is chilling at the "Cryab". so it should be a good weekend which I'm ready for right about NOW. i should get back to work. until next time children.

i would definately have to say i agree with Mr. Random THoughts...
it's all gray area...there's no black and white and people who base their lives on such distinction always end up frustrated and distraught...often leading to trauma, jaded, and worn down phsycological states.
it's all gray area.
religion can be amazing.
FAITH is something that's very important to Me personally...but it's all about being a good person and learning from mistakes, and taking time to really try.
i love the world today, and all the people in it...
who knows why, maybe because I see all the light that there can be in the future.
all that's possible.
Mr. K is a new addition to the familty.
i love him SOOOOOOOO much, he is master contortionist socerer of persia.
he will go with me to Arizona i'm sure of it :)
i cannot WAIT to go to school again.
it will be a time for sure, it will be SO worthwhile and I'm proud of Jez for going to school too...you'll do great :)
i miss a lot of people right now but am also happy to be alone in my car with the music and sunshine.
the HSA will be amazing this year.
I cannot wait for May 26!!!
that's going to be a weekend to remember.
my book is also going to be very...informative...to say the least.
if it ever gets finished...i found an editor though. he's a little pricey but knows publicists...which is a bonus.
the point is not for me to try to make it as a "writer".
the point is only to tell my story...
the truth of it all i guess you'd say.
won't my parents be so proud?
not likely :)
they may actually hide for a couple years...
but it's definitely underway...
back to work for now.