Mmm Pretty 

Ah.  I have to go back to the doctor in the morning.  That sucks.  I hate going there.  I have to get another test and was JUST THERE last friday.  If they give me bad news I'm going to smack them.  Because now both sides hurt and my upper left side is hurting too.  I cannot twist or anything.  I was going to go out with some people from work tonight but I didn't.  I would absolutely LOVE to not have ANY problems physically for a LONG time.  I mean I can totally deal but...I don't WANT TO DEAL...I want to LIVE.  A lot.  I'm going to apply for this new Irish Pub management position at Jordan Creek Town Center.  Saw pictures of that place it's FREAKING HUGE!  It's going to get SO much business.  I really want that job.  I need to get on dat shit.  THere are other restaurants opening there.  There state of the art theatres are going to kick ass.  We're talking stadium seating and rocking twin or single LOVE SEATS..mmm....comfy.  And cuddly.  The stores in the mall are really nice too...which I have to remember to avoid entirely for a LONG time ;)
I've been painting.  I'm stuck on a particular part of this three piece painting I'm working on.  It has to be perfect.  Especially since it's going to be a gift to someone I love like SOOOOO MUCH.  Bet you can't guess who ;)
 
I'm sleepy yet wired.  I read all of my old blog last night and it made me sick to my stomach in lots of places because I remember exact feelings...except I didn't just REMEMBER I fell back INTO them while reading them and it made me sad in a lot of places.  I never want people I love to hurt so much.  That really sucks.  It makes all other parties involved hurt just as much I think.  At least me.  I mean people talk about understanding and empathy.  I really have empathy REAL empathy and always HAVE.  I think that's why it was so easy for me to fall into escapism at times because it was the only way I knew to not worry or think.  There are things I'm understanding about my past that seem to have taken a long time of being AWAY from it to actually GET.  I STARVE to just feed my brain, my body, my heart, my soul with GOODNESS...it's ready...ALL of it.  If you have something inside that you KNOW is real.  If you have something that can be tapped into and you get to the point of being strong enough entirely and READY AND WILLING to USE that!  Well SHIT when you get there...when I get there there is so much power to create and improve and just build goodness...I can't explain it all right now because it's clustered...but...  And when you have that inside and there are others around you with that inside and you feel it INSIDE of them too...your SELVES sense it within each other as well as your OWN self...it starts a ping pong effect...it builds...it grows stronger...like a mountain or...unstoppable machine...soul...I don't know the right words.  But it's good.  and finding that and even just KNOWING that it's possessed is incredible.  But being able to DO something with it is a miracle...and i see the possibilities.  I'm not being clear here.  But it's like a fountain of hope because when you're a singular being possessing something inside you feel is important it's only YOU understanding that or FEELING THAT...and when you see it in someone else it is a connection that confirms things...then you KNOW it's not just in your head.  Then you know it's real.  I wonder if I sound wacked when I say this.  I don't care though.  It's not meglomanical...or narcasistic.  It's feeling something and wanting to use it for SO MUCH but not using it for your own selfish reasons; using it to make the world better...to make things shown to really KICK ASS.  Okay; but the thing is being WHOLE and entirely ready to do something with it in ALL aspects of yourself.  It grows off of you from there.  When there is another human possessing these things it grows off of them both together...It's like...if they could all come together...it would be some major world changing humanity transposing all encompassing revolution.  I don't know.  I could say it's a pipe dream but aren't those only dreams you know could never be?  Things such as this are pieces of reality.  It CAN happen.  It's not fantasy here.  It's REAL.  And I'm not high.  I'm being serious.  Anyway.  Mike makes me feel these things even more so...  I'm so thankful to just KNOW he exists.  He's awesome.  He makes me believe in so many things...or more like he feeds my beliefs and helps them grow...helps ME grow.  I'm going to go to bed now; that was exhausting but exciting and possibly made very little sense.  That's alright ;)
GOODNIGHT

I am so incredibly tired.  My job really wears me out sometimes.  When I'm sitting there though; next to Jennie; doing whatever...I just think WHY does it bother me so much?  It's not HARD...It's easy, it's not very stressful.  It's just GRAY and bland and has nothing to do with anything I really am.  Yet I sit there for 8 hours.  Like a drone.  Like a robot.  Being "not there" just because I don't want to be I guess.  Mike is right.  I need to get out of there but I don't want to just go somewhere else; I want to go somewhere where I can be happy.  I'm worried that I am not qualified enough for things.  I have met good people at Wells Fargo though and I AM thankful for the job in ways.  I just need to be happy; with my job, with my hours.  I don't want to be exhausted or fatigued or anything.  I get so stressed and it just makes me want to sleep all the time which SUCKS because I hate laziness and immobility.  It drives me nuts.  and it feels like the time I have outside of work is limited because before work I'm so tired...After work I have energy but it's anxious energy...And there's no REAL place to go but home I guess...Where I can be me and happy doing numerous things...But then I stay up LATE doing those things so I CAN do them...So I am tired during the day.  I was getting excited after thinking about things Mike was saying about Kicking ass and such; LOL; but I was so NOT THERE at work that I couldn't be INTO it...I couldn't just kick ass right there because I was drained.  But I was excited inside still because I DO have hope and faith and just...Good feelings about all the things I can do.  I just need the time and energy to focus and think.  If I can't afford to keep my apartment I will feel somehow defeated.  Though I have places to go...I have all these fears of living with people...Even someone I love.  Little fears, big fears, and maybe they're silly but they're still real.  I have the strong desire to be in the West somewhere...Because I really like it.  Also because it would feel fresh and FULL of opportunities in all different ways.  But the money thing snags me SO often.  It causes anxiety and frustration in me and I try to talk myself out of it and it works sometimes but other times not so much.  But I do know that I feel the creative juices inside of me evaporate when I am inside that facility I work in...  Lately they just seem to turn bland and fade...But I don't want that because I am used to having an abundance of the colors and beauty of things we can do with our minds our hands and hearts...I DON'T want to lose that joy and love...It's inborn and you can kill these things.  You can leave them for too long and they get rusty or brittle...I don't want to leave them EVER.
I want MORE of them ALL the time.  All the time.
and I want to meet people and be able to share things and learn and also teach what I KNOW but there is SO much to learn...My mind is starving for all of it.  I want to know as much as I possibly can and use it for numerous GOOD things..
anyway.
I feel good now.
I'm glad.

A blog.  New Blog.  Different.  I was going to cut and paste all the stuff from my old blog but that is going to remain dormant.  I will probably print it all off.  There are so many things I would rather just leave behind...the reason I edited what I said so much in that other blog was because of how many people that read it and WHO those people are.  They are people that although I would like to say I am unaffected by they could still hurt me in ways if I knew they could see inside my head or heart.  There is a HUGE chunk there I wish would dissapear.  Tanner called me the other night while I was lying in bed.  I looked at my phone and saw his number.  My heart started racing and I just got a sinking feeling in my stomach.  Of course I didn't answer it.  I never do when he calls and he only ever calls me now to either tell me that people know that I'm a bad person or to comment on my blog.  Which he can no longer read.  This is GOOD.  Anyway.  SO I didn't answer the phone and then he left a message.  I listened to it and it was very hard to hear him because he was whispering.  I heard TJ's name and that he needed to know something.  I also heard that he was laying next to beki and didn't want to wake her.  He said that this threatening person wasn't the TJ he remembered at all...that TJ had never been violent around him or anything.  He also stated that TJ told Tanner that when I wrote about him getting in a fight with someone a the bar that i was lying just like about Tanner...(TJ was trying to connect with Tanner by saying "Kara did the same thing to me as she did to you" give me a break).  I heard him say that TJ kept calling him and text messaging him and he didn't know if he should be worried.  His voice was disconserting.  My instinct was to call back because I wasn't hearing the whole thing...  my instinct told me that Tanner was implying that he was worried TJ may commit suicide.  But my instincts don't always seem to be on kilter.  Anyway the whole point of that was to ask myself : why am I still so affected by these people that I want nothing to do with?  Why was my heart racing?  Why couldn't I sleep after that?  Why did it...hurt in some way?  It made me wish they were all completely disconnected from me...on another planet.  The same thing happened when I read Cody's blog and he commented that I try to sound a certain way when I write in my blog because of how I think it sounds or because I care what people think.  It made me so upset but mostly I wanted to cry.  Mostly I don't like people seeing me in a way that I am not even if I don't WANT them in my life at all..  I don't like even KNOWING they exist.  I don't know if it's something I need to let go of and thought I had or if it's just something that takes time and space or what...but...it's annoying.  Anyway I think the main reason that I want them away from me is because the people in my life that I really like and those I love make me so happy and it seems like these other people will some how damper or take away from that...goodness.  Is that weird?  I don't know probably.  Anyway; I'm at Mike's right now.  I met his friend Frank and his fiance..they seemed very nice...I was really tired when I got here though so I may have seemed poopy to them.  I hope not though.  I like it here it smells nice.  I'm sort of wired now.  I don't know what I'm going to do.. I wanted to go out for a while maybe.  But that would have to be for free ;)
Okay, very uninformative and not very deep but that's all I have to say for now.