how does someone i don't even know nor have i ever met strike a spark of jealousy in me? i get mad. i read things i promised myself to not read and then, randomly deciding to...for SOME unexplained reason; read again...and i see her name and...why do you mention her? you don't know her...don't say her name...reading you i see you're nothing but a lacky wannabe, hoping to be labled as: known as someone...don't say her name. you don't know her...i know her. i'll always know her better than anyone...whether or not proximity is an issue. I'm not suppose to care.. I mean it's outwardly proven that i do not.. but it inflames my heart.
passionately almost and I want to lash out. but i know i'll keep it all in and it will drowned away eventually...but right now it's open and i'm not gaurded enough. i just hope that you are happy. happier now; i mean you SHOULD be...without all the crap of ME in the way. I know it's better, but...sometimes human drama is hard to brush off as distraction. "Creation, Destruction, Creation, Destruction"
okay...that's from the movie I HEART HUCKABIES...but it's true in part. Awesome movie P.S.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs. scream you out. puke you out. drink you out. you're always there though. i think just time. i will wait you out. time helps me forget. there's so much i've forgotten. like Micah. I barely remember that part of my life. it's hard...i have to strain to remember any of it. It's not all what some may think who may read this though. The parts i want to keep...remember...be in forever...are the parts i'm keeping close and staying WITH. i am better like this. As human. As traveler. As lover. Some people are hard to just leave behind though.

"How am I not myself? how am I not...myself? how am I
NOT myself? myself? my
self? How am i NOT myself?"

I wrap my white arms around the
black box where you live now and
listen to you talk to me all night.
One leg tucked under
your hands in your lap
head leaning to the right
resting on the inside of the oven door.
I can hear you humming sometimes
right before I fall asleep
you will always be 8 years old to me
and when I am with you on these secret nights;
so will I.

Finally saw Garden State; it was a pretty good movie; made me cry a couple times so that means it must've been pretty good. Also watched Prozac Nation with Christina Ricci; that was also pretty good if not severely depressing...but it portrayed depression very realistically and accurately. It was just this girls life; hardly a movie at all it seemed...and it was honest; no embellishment; no exaggeration. I could relate to her character in a lot of ways which could be considered unfortunate I suppose. So. I had yesterday and today off and its 3:30 PM and I still am not out of my PJ's. I have so much to do and plan for but I'm totally zombified today. Floating and detached...I want something to spark a reaction inside of me...feeling of some kind; pure laughter, joy, creativity, anger, passion...anything. I want to be excited about something but today...I don't feel anything at all except the dull drone of another day and the ticking clock and MYSELF...back in the far corner inside of me. Somewhere. I know it will pass...it always does...days without sleep then days with nothing BUT sleep then I get back to what I am and remember to stay there...that's the trick...remembering why I have to stay there; because that's when everything makes sense and I Start to get everything back again. I don't want anyone to be effected because of my blogs...to read and then wonder and then question or anything. Because I know how temporary this is...possibly even so aloof that when I publish this post it will be good as gone. I need to shower. There’s mascara smeared all over my face and I've developed a bed head mullet. I dreamt a lot though...all night and then when I went back to sleep at 11 this morning...I dreamt SO much...it was just my life being played out in my subconscious. so maybe it's harder to wake up sometimes when you realize you haven't actually done anything at the peak of waking. Disappointment sets in and you just want to sleep it off again. a friend and I were talking and he was telling me of how he wishes sometimes that he would have just ignored his conscience and done a bunch of drugs and had sex with all sorts of people and just let loose and had fun because it wouldn't matter either way; because no one has to pay consequences for their actions anyway. but I guess I was always an exception to that rule....I’ve always paid. but I get what he means because there are so many people who go through life doing whatever they want and never having to change because they never have to pay for what they do. people don't change unless they have to but I had to. and I did. I always paid. but I’m glad he always had his conscience because he wouldn't be the same person and that would be bad. and I know, like most of us who partied too much in our lives, how certain things never leave you once they've touched your life. no matter how many years and lives you go through without them...you still KNOW them...how they make you feel WHY temptation could be the death of you...why you're never the same. In opposition I would say I wish I never had done so many things because then I would never know what they are; what they do...loss of innocence would have been more gradual and natural and less forced. but then who would I be today. don't like to think about it I guess...because in my mind I would be a far better person than whom I have ever been or could ever be again. it's not worth dwelling though. just a thought. I don't miss anyone who isn't in my life anymore. the fewer people in my life I’ve noticed; the happier I’ve become. there's no bullshit there; it's been weeded out. and that's all that matters for the most part. and maybe it isn't that they were bad for me really; but maybe I was bad for them, maybe bad for each other. I'm thinking about these things because my mom was on the phone right before I got online and she was asking about people. People I tend to avoid thinking about in every way possible. The other night T-bone was at the core of these things, at least emotionally...and he said "These people need to go to another planet of their own; where we don't have to worry about every seeing them again...where they stop getting in my head” it’s hard to understand certain people sometimes and that's how I felt not too long ago when I was just going to move away and start over from scratch. Starting over can be good; you never have to worry about falling into the same patterns you so eagerly wanted out of. but sometimes we just have to figure ourselves out first. This whole time...that's all I've been doing, and it's been easier than I thought but the hardest parts were doing so without verbalizing it openly...while still living out my daily life the best I could without screwing it up...of course there are always glitches that get in the way...nothing is ever easy. but I’m happier now than I’ve been like....ever. I didn't really know it was possible I suppose. but I’m so clear on what I want and what I need to do to be who I want to be. I'm proud of myself for a lot of reasons but I don't take all the credit... some things have no explanation but that they are simply miracles. Remembering that makes it easier to deal with RIGHT NOW...and this day of detachment and melancholy. Because I know...on a sliding scale...it just gets better.

SLEEPWALK

I think I've been asleep
I saw lights on the road
Clouds moving overhead
At a speed I couldn't follow
It was very dark
I tried to keep my eyes
On the white lines
But the sky

Where are you?
WHEREAREYOUWHEREAREYOUWHEREAREYOUWHEREAREYOU?

There were voices in the trees
And if he came to me
I knew I'd feel him and so I opened

Where are youWHEREAREYOUWHERETHEfuckAreyou?

Do you believe in anything?
Do you think it can be explained?
Why if I dreamed was I awake?
Why in his love am I afraid?
Why did I fall to my knees?
Why did I cry out
Please?

I think I've been asleep
I saw lights on the road
Clouds moving overhead
At a speed I couldn't follow
It was very dark
And so I can't be sure
But it seemed a little pure
For a sleepwalk

His hands are not soft
His voice is not loud
His comfort not mine
His justice not kind
There was movement in the trees
And then he came to me
I knew I'd feel him
And so I opened

I added the other blogs to the sidebar; including my new one.

This one is pretty good too; this guy is interesting: http://gardensnake.blogspot.com

Here is a blog that is interesting if you like political discussions. i will add it to the sidebar when I have more time: http://irrationalview.blogspot.com

it is here that i feel most certain of who i am and what I want. it is here i am happy and smile without effort. everywhere else i'm a little sad or uncomfortable or 'away'...not everywhere i suppose but a lot of other personal social settings; they seem to fit me less and less and it makes me sad sometimes; i'm glad for the person i'm becoming and the one i'm leaving behind...a lot of people aren't glad because it means different things to them; mostly it stems from selfishness but i'm a pretty damn understanding person so i don't get too upset about those things. An "intruder" appeared at the party the other night over at tony's and caught me off gaurd. looking back i see no other reason for him showing his face other than to confront me...and the confrontation i see as being completely pointless itself. but he said "don't you miss having a little group of friends to turn to? you've become a recluse." his voice was insulting. but the fact is i do have a little group..just different and smaller than when he was in it. and being alone is often more healthy than not when it comes to certain situations. anyway. he had no purpose but to try and tear me down. unfortunately he doesn't see me at all as who i am today. because he doesn't understand me; but also because he's not there to understand; which is how it's suppose to be. I haven't really talked much about that part of the party to anyone because it's not something i find necessary to bring up i guess. so, on a different note; I'm so bad at getting ahold of people or returning calls lately because i think i'm just afraid to get involved with people due to trust. involved as friends; but i do want good people in my life. i'm also afraid of the jealousy factor. jealousy is a good thing to NOT have in my life. I wrote for hours in my personal journal (a real live notebook!) the other night. it's a free, relieving feeling to write without ANY thing in the back of my mind involving anyone else reading in. because regardless of what you say, your online journal cannot be completely free and open; you write here with in mind that others will see what you have to say. Try and deny it all you want; but the whole purpose of blogging is a type of expression...reaching out or saying something you may not be able to say otherwise. so i wrote in my personal joural and it was good. it was all about the past yaer and Mike and our relationship and my other friends and how clear things become when you aren't living in the moment but reflecting and responsibly choosing a path. i really hate the fact that i've hurt some people though; it's hard for me to think about because it makes me sad. but i have to force myself sometimes; just to remind myself...to learn from history. i've loved some people that i can never speak to or see again because i know it's better for THEM that way and i know i can't be to them what they want me to be. i never really was. Trying to be in their lives would be more painful and more of a struggle than anything else. I'm not as fucked up as I used to be. i'm really much better these days; better off; less confused...less distraught. more EXCITED about life; aware, open. Leaving wells fargo is SUCH a relieving thing; there's some type of WEIGHT just gone. even though i haven't starting working yet again and money worries me; i'm so much more at ease. i mean i technically have 2 jobs (cosi cucina's and huhot) but i haven't starting working yet. i'm going to be really poor this month; but it'll be okay i think. so, i like my life so much better here. anyway, i'm out. (dammit this computer doesn't let me spellcheck!)

Something's wrong. I don't know what it is but it isn't just me and it isn't just anyone; it's everyone and everything and something is WRONG.

There's one hell of a party going on in the other rooms of the house I am currently inhabiting (at this moment). I am at the computer of course. "don't let Kara get on the computer she'll never come back out to hang".... wonder why that is. maybe because 97.6% of the people out there I either; don't know, don't like; can't stand; or would rather forget exist in the same time and place as myself. but i don't hate any of them. i just do not feel a common place with them. I feel comfortable with most environments (including this) that I place myself in but due to my own morality, mortality, and self conservation, I choose to under indulge in the moments of the evening that eagerly ask for my indulgence. because I know better these days....i know more. i think that most of you put yourselves in these places...wherever the place may be...more consistently and more eagerly and more accepting than i could even fathom these days; in the ways i have become...but i don't hold that against anyone; it is just that some people care more to alter, better, or change their states. I was stood up for tonight by someone who is, for the most part, passive, passive-aggressive, feeble to a point, and entirely terrified of confrontation....but it is that fact that I
was important enough in his eyes, for him to disregard his comfort zone and overcome his social fears to speak up for. To stand strong and unshaken....Like a true MAN, who shown strength, for possibly the first time in his life (in my eyes). I saw a light that had been hidden or maybe never given the chance to shine, in this man, and it made me smile. Although, being the person I am, I could easily stand and voice myself and be certain and strong enough to hold my own and fight for myself... the fact that he cares enough to WANT to be there if I could not do it on my own...It proves more worth to me; in him as a human being and a good friend. In a time where question is constant in my mind, and the thought of total surrender and acceptance that it could be a loss cause. You proved me wrong. I know how hard it was for you. in a room full of blind-willed "men", passionate for things they do not know....you held your weapon, and showed that you know more than their own impressions, imaginations, and presumptive persistence could deny. I don't know if this makes sense right now. but you had truth and purpose; and you stood up with your truth and your purpose, and they sat blindsided, with their intangible ridicule and empty expressions. Now i believe, and i saw it in their eyes as I laughed and walked away; that they will no longer insist on what they do not know. because truth wins; every time.