Live

I'm good at surviving.  Like...REALLY good.  What I want to do now is live.  REALLY LIVE.

When its missing then you want it more, it isnt right
Turning, turning out the door and back to this
Leave it like it was before and let me out
Must have been the end of the story

Giving it all, giving it all away
Youre gonna wake up someone
Well, study it all, the wings, the crowd, your face
Youre gonna end up like one

Well, trouble at home, travel the way you say
The road dont like me
Travel away, travel it all away
The roads gonna end on me

Men, they like me cause Im a warrior

Now the strangers have caught on and theyre riding in the backseat
The rivers gonna wash all, yeah, the river it spoke to me
It told me Im small and I swallowed it down
If I make it at all, Ill make you want me

Trouble at home, travel the way you say
The road dont like me
Travel it all, travel it all away
The roads gonna get on me

And Im small
The roads gonna get on me
Well, if it gets it at all
The roads gonna end on me, hey, hey, hey

Like a warrior, a warrior
Dance the warrior, the warrior

I think it's a chemical imbalance.  How long does it take to get back to "normal"?  The idea that I will never get there really makes me question the path I'm taking.  A lot of things.  The thoughts that I may always have this THING inside of me that just makes me BAD. That's a feeling.  I feel like I've lost some things and the bad shit is more at the forefront of my mind.  I thought I could brush it off and move on once I accepted my mistake.  I still don't feel right.  Grasping at illusions.  Eluding to self destruction.  I just need to feel something real. 

There are little square beds on stage.

I figured out that basically all we are trying to do is appear normal to the rest of the world.  I'm spinning.  My mind gets off the tracks more than it stays on them.  I thought I was getting used to it then I catch myself staring off.  I lose time.  I come back and forgot everything I was thinking or what I was about to do.  This is bad for productivity.  I need to escape myself because it's fucking CRAZY in here.  I need to reach out and help someone else but I am fearful that I will totally fuck them up too.  I pray and pray and then I start dreaming and then I hear a noise and then I get a cramp or I twitch.  If I keep going my mind will stop.  If I keep up appearances people might stick around.  I could talk about all of it for hours but then others get burnt out.  Then I could sleep.  But they stay tired.

I just called to tell you goodbye since I didn't get to. That's all I wanted to do.

Flailing

I spent most of my life being someone's other.  Other half.  Other option.  Other-significant.  I would make their opinions, tastes, ideas, thoughts, and experiences my own.  I knew what they knew and liked what they liked.  Sometimes it went the other way.  It just depended on who loved more than the other.  Every relationship was a meshing of two beings into one.  An immediate integration of two lives.  Without thought.  Total codependence.  There has been no independence in my life.  Until now.  I am 31 years old and am learning how to be on my own for the first time.  It is astounding how little I knew about myself when it comes to my beliefs and opinions.  I didn't even know how I FELT about certain things.  Like God.  Politics.  Principles.  Even sports.  I liked what he liked.  Whichever he that may be.  Never what she liked, though.  She was beneath me (in my mind).  I find myself flailing at times.  When I feel lonely or bored or confused about what move I should make next.  Grasping at gnats.  I get stuck.  I fear my own happiness and that doesn't make sense.  Because I WANT to be happy.  I just don't believe it.  I don't believe happy is real enough to stick around.  So I flail and that's when I find my mind grinding out sabotage.  The thing I need to be aware of now is to not act on those thoughts.  I want to be hyper-aware of what I say and do before I do or say them.  I need a spiritual connection to heal my soul sickness.  Our minds are all twisted, right?  Just in different ways.  So that's why we help each other.  Because I can tell you if you're thinking crazy and you can do the same for me.  I always wanted to be better I just never knew how before.  I don't want my instinct to be to warn people against me.  I want it to be only to help others.

In it.

I'm not in it today.  I'm way back in the back of my own brain.  My ears are warm and I have a soft and calm feeling inside of my gut.  Don't take that away from me.  I'm way far away.  The id of my disease.  There are times I look back and find I would find comfort in my misery.  Perfectly content in my self-bound chains and whips.  I feel that creeping up my spine.  I look in the mirror, cock my head to one side, and look deep into my own eyes.  (There you are)- a cackle.  Always prone towards detached or when I'm in...I'm in all of the way.  Knowing the way that's set before me--- yet I float up so lightly, with ease.  That is not where I'm suppose to be.  Throw me a weight or fly above me and push me back down.  I need my feet planted.  There's nothing to hold on to and I'm too far away.  The path is floating below and soon the trees will hide it from view, entirely.  Lasso the anchor around my waist.  Who the fuck has the lasso?

As humans we intently, without knowing we do so, think of ourselves as the “center of the universe.”  Narcissism set aside, along with your defenses, you must accept this fact to fully appreciate what I’m about to present to you.

Reflect on your life in this moment as you are now living it.  You want to be happy, do you not?  Why would you just accept your own dissatisfactions as “part of who you are”?  Why would you wait?  What are you waiting for?  Wait… how do we survive if we don’t wait?  If we don’t continue our lives methodically, with financial gain and purpose will we, undeniably, lose?  Self-reflection has taken a strange back seat in our modern, American society.  Dull and unempowering jobs become the center of our routines as we disregard our own true happiness.  Our societal views interpret self-reflection and analysis as a hindrance to the working person’s daily routine.  Many of us have fallen into a script based on what we think we should be doing and how we think we should be living.  Rather than bettering our spirits by truly living; we accept the mundane routines that supply a livable income.  We are getting by like.  We don’t look into ourselves for answers anymore because it is often easier not to.  Do you want to reflect on your life near its end and say to yourself, “I made it.”?  Or do you want to look back and say, “now that was what it’s all about!”?  Do you want to accept the dingy primer on your walls of life?  Or, do you want to paint your walls with a myriad of colors?  As free-willed human-beings, we don’t have to rob ourselves of fulfillment.

The first step, and the most difficult, to putting meaning and joy in your life; is merely the decision to do so.  Excuses are aplenty.  The decision to stop making them is the true sign of character and determination.  I can tell you from experience that the habit of making excuses is the hardest one I’ve attempted to defeat.  For the most part, I can now do things without excuses.  I still catch myself letting them slip off my tongue on occasion.  Once you set the wheels in motion, however, you’re far more likely to be successful in what you’re trying to achieve.

  After you’ve made the decision towards fulfillment you can start examining yourself internally.   The most affective way to begin self-examination, and therefore lead yourself to a purposeful life, is to start from the beginning and work your way to this point.  Psychological techniques, such as the ‘socratic’ method of self-dialogue, can help you determine the patterns of your history and where changes can be made.  For example, my close friend, Gage, has become my therapist.  Not professionally but socially.  And I have become his therapist.  He helps me understand why I have certain types of people in my life and what draws them to me and vis versa.  He helps me see things I wouldn’t normally see for myself.  We help each other in this way just by open dialogue and self-reflecting aloud together.  After two years of this relationship, I have found growth and change within myself.  That can be the simplest, yet most affective step in starting a purposeful and gratifying life.  Have a friend that you can trust with all parts of your life.  It could also be a therapist or a family member. 

It is definitely possible to survive in this life if you take a leap and make a choice. Our fears can control what we do not do a lot more than they control what we actually do.  It’s often what we don’t do that creates this abundant discontent.  We have become engrained with the idea that our protective shields will ensure safety.  Our shields can confine us.  We can slowly and silently fade away by the hand of our own self-protection.  How often do you want to think back, “what if I would have?”  There’s a far greater chance of inner happiness when you change your mindset to something more along the lines of, “what’s the worst that could happen if I try it?”  Think of the worst case scenario for taking control of your own destiny.  It doesn’t work out?  Well, how could that risk possibly not be worth it?  You can be left with the satisfaction of true effort.  Do you believe a person’s life could get worse through attempts of self-fulfillment?

Self examination and questioning your own purpose, along with creating joy throughout your life, is not the same for everyone.  I’m not saying go live life to the fullest everyday.  Jump out of planes.  Create a “bucket list”.  Go crazy as if you’ve only 24 hours left on earth.  President Obama said it best during his speech to the students in Arlingonton; “Every single one of you has something to offer.  And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is.”  Commitment to yourself, commitment to your purpose, is what the human spirit it meant for.  Each of us has the responsibility of making our lives the best we can to the best of our ability.  Consistently reflect and remind yourself of your goals.  Examine the world you create for yourself.  You are the center of your own universe.  Like dominoes, if we each handle our universe with care and consideration the world could fall into a state of peace.