too much not enough too much chaos. you don't know me. not enough noise. you don't see me no matter how naked you look away too much noise you turn on the headphones and focus on your screen and bite away...you bite bite away at me like annoyed and ruined...dirtying up our connection so filters fade farther you fall off of me and break break out down to nothing breaking nothing but my shell i'm out out. I'm out.

This is noise, this is curse, this is talk, this is red, this is pale, this is ache. this is last, this is slow this is shock, this is thrown, this is fire, this is break, this is snow, this is witch, this is spell, this is cut, this is final. this is fine, this is moon, this is tide, this is hell this is hers, this is theirs, this is mine. Feels like storms, feels like thunder feels like storms, feels like I'm going under. Here comes the slow going here comes the pain I fade Out like a ghost, and run out like the rain All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed. All you know of' heroines IS what you read. Burn. Bleed. There's a reel, red howling, down my hall I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. There's a reel, red bowling, down my dark hall I was everything you wanted now I'm nothing at all. All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed All you know of heroines is what you read. Burn. Bleed. Nail my knees together this time it's not about you. You have no power here, you don't know what I need I'm giving in, I'll get there in a box turn away, now let your legends bleed. There's a red, red howling, down my dark hall I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. Drag a slow line down my leg to my mouth from my thigh show it to the police and the priests so you can say that you tried. There's a red, red howling, down my dark hall I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. There's a red red howling, down my dark hall. I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. I'm half alive, barely worth keeping. I rule the bed, soon I'll wake up sleeping. Feels like storms, feels like thunder feels like storms, feels like I'm going under. Here comes the slow going, here comes the pain. I fade out like a ghost, and run out like the rain. This time it's different, this time it's close this time it's between the spine and the skin. All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed. All you know of heroines is what you read. Burn. Bleed.

Dawn of the dead makes my eyes twitchy and shifty and I can't blink. and now I'm going to have dreams of brains and guts...that's...well I don't want to sleep now.

So you've become everything you've hated and dictated against? Is that what I'm hearing/seeing? So you want to say something at random moments...always you want to say something but say nothing...ever. Hate yourself. Your life. Your choices. Your friends. Your heart. Hate everything...about yourself...intentionally? maybe? Aware but inactive? Because what can you do? what what what CAN you do? A lot. You say nothing. But really...it's a lot...it's all on you and that's why you reallocate your responsibilities and actions to other sources and extraneous circumstances. When you knew all along that those are the things that DO NOT MATTER...and what you're ignoring are the things that matter the most.
ON the APPOSING SIDE...
You find it frustrating that you KNOW exactly who why and what you are meant for...you see your purpose clearly but what you DO NOT see is a remedy...a path to get to the solution...You thought (in the beginning) that blantent reason/end result would make it easy. That this kind of clarity meant fast and precise victory..what you did not take into account was...well...people and circumstance of course. If you can't make it clear to them without breaking the rules...if they don't understand; therefore standoff and backstep from you and what you're trying to do...it adds complications and branches off into MORE...puzzles...solutions and contemplation. So it's not so easy...taking it this way...but you know it's the best way so you have GOT to do it in that way...the BEST you can.

Tony's book of One liners: it's got a rapid start...I think it'll be more like a dictionary of Tonyisms. The end.

we get bored with being normal. Sometimes we just get sick of it.

She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
If they laugh, they make money.He's got a gold watch.She's got a silk dress And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.

She doesn't careWhether or not he's a good man.
She doesn't care,Just as long as she still has her friends.
She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
If they laugh, they make money.He's got a gold watch.She's got a silk dress And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she gets what she wants
She puts the rest on a trayIn a zip-loc bag.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she get what she wants
She puts the rest on a trayIn a zip-loc bag in the freezer.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't careWhether or not he's an island.
If they laugh, they make money.He's got a gold watch.She's got a silk dress And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
-cake

Oral defecation.

Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year I WAS HERE I WAS HERE Whipping past the reflecting pool me + you skipping school And we make it up as we go along We make it up as we go along You said -- you raced from Langley -- pulling me underneath a Cherry Blossom canopy -- Do I Have -- Of course I have, Beneath my raincoat, I have your photographs. And the sun on your Face I'm freezing that frame And somewhere Alfie cries and says "Enjoy his every smile You can see in the dark Through the eyes of Laura Mars" -- How did it go so fast --you'll say as we are looking back and then we'll understand we held gold dust in our hands Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year I WAS HERE I WAS HERE Gaslights Glow in the street (flickering past) Twilight held us in her palm as we walked along And we make it up as we go along We make it up as we go along Letting names Hang in the air What color hair (auburn crimson) Autumn knowingly Stared And the day that She came I'm freezing that Frame I'm freezing that frame And somewhere Alfie smiles and says "Enjoy her every cry You can see in the dark Through the eyes Of Laura Mars" -- How did it go so fast --you'll say as we are looking back and then we'llunderstand We held gold dust in our hands in our hands Tori

so I didn't go to work today because I felt crappy and went to the doc and there's just some fluid on my lungs I have to get rid of so I'm not contagious which is good. Actually I went home at 6:30 last night and painted for a couple of hours. and then for a couple more. and stared at some pictures in my photo album...thought about memories...painted some more. played the keyboard a while. Wandered aimlessly through my apartment. Went to bed at 6:00 this morning. Woke at 10:00 called in. did laundry. started writing a story in an empty notebook for...4 or 5 hours. My hand REALLY hurts from that. I should've walked to the lab. My story will be finished. Which is a first. It won't be very good though but it's the context of what happens that is important. Really I want to write it; give it to a REAL writer and have them make it good. But keep all the important things. I ramble too much in stories and repeat myself. So then I put the notebook down finally after I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday...morning.. and had a tuna sandwich. changed my clothes twice. and my hair. because I was bored and have no phone. finished reading The Philosophers of...something or other which I learned a lot...Like how the Lutheran religion was started. Luther was MEAN to Catholics. He just wanted to branch off into a segregated religion... I didn't know that. Some of the philosophies of certain Bishops and poets struck me as surprisingly modern for 15th century thinkers... much I agreed with; much I disagreed with. Story of my life. So then I realized I was totally bored of silence and solitude and came over here to hang out with Jake while he plays Mega Man. I didn't know if anyone would be home but I DID know that if they were they wouldn't mind me stopping by. Which is good. Everything is so far away and clouded. I'm excited about my story though. Maybe i can actually make it good after I write it then go back and fix parts...because there are already parts that are repetitive and...nonsensicle...if that's a word... but it's really...good...to me. I may be the only one who enjoys it but I want to read it to someone when I'm done. I found myself missing Kayla and Cole...becuase they'd been at my place all weekend...it's so quiet without them there and although kids can get annoying, when they listen they're fun...and you're never bored. So I like other people's kids...as long as they aren't brats. lol. Jennie's boy pal knows my neighbor who lives across the hall and one door down which we found out when he was on my patio smoking and you here "HEEEEY" "WHUTS UP MAN" and friendly familiar guy talk. I didn't see him then but the next day I was in a daze on my couch laying there and Ron and Brandon (the neighbor) walked in. I was exhausted and just layed there and waved and closed my eyes. lol. Yes, very hospitable. He did ask if I was up too late which I nodded and grunted in reply. So Brandon stood in my living room for a few minutes and was like "stop by anytime" and left. Oh yeah I was in my pajamas so I was hiding under a blanket; he probably thought I was a nut. Oh well. Ron's a nice guy after you know him (or after I do) I was skeptical and distrusting at first but I think he's all right...so far. And I'm totally comfortable around him which doesn't happen easily...as in I could care less how I look around him and I can be all sloppy and lazy in my pajamas and we can insult each other while He and J Dogg flirt and do their cuddle thing... it's fun. Another exciting discovery (which I had discovered long ago but is new to others) is mastermind. A game. Old game, I've had it forever but Jennie, Ron, the kids and I sat in my living room playing it for hours. It's freakin fun. I'm such a nerd. wow. but I liked this whole not going out this weekend just chilling and hanging out thing. By Sunday I was ready for alone time definitely. So I had that until just now..when I got here but he's so into mega man lol...it's fun to watch though. I'll probably hang out here and then go home. I really had nothing to say here at all obviously but my energy level and my activity level are not IN SYNCH. ok bye.

You Owe Me Nothing In Return I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Alanis Morrisette

there's so many things I'm regretting at this moment. like...not being a more understanding person...or...just...not being more patient about things. there are so many things I want to say. But someone stole my voice...

I wish I were so clear in my decisions, words, and actions that no one would have any question as to why. Why any of it...why I am me. I know that there is hope in my life I just wish I could grab onto it and help it grow into something real. I just hope that time will make things better; rather than opening and closing doors and confusion and detachment.. rather than appearing to be a trickster. I am blessed to have some rare people in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything' irreplaceable and indescribable...one in particular... but this life piles on you bit by bit..and it's so hard to just keep it at the core. I want clarity. I want knowledge.

I wish people understood the decisions i make better: I wish I could explain them in ways that are so crystal there's no room for question or confusion. On a day I didn't want to make any decisions I made a few big ones. I just hope that everything works out in time; instead of time fucking with everything. It seems to like that. I just know that everything has hope in my life... and I wish I just knew how to grab onto it and make it real.

"I don't want to harm you, I want to enlighten you."
"the last time I listened to you; I became a lab rat."

never used to appreciate the intelligence I had. Until I was 18 and nearly lost it all; and lost a lot. because it made sense that killing brain cells kills parts you can't control or understand. You think you're killing the pain but you're only creating more, bigger problems that will last longer and be even harder to deal with than what you initially thought the problem WAS. why do I listen to you; or talk to you; or stop to consider what you have to say? When I know you are wrong; the way you are thinking isn't the reality of it. Why? because I was like you (once apon a time) I was just like you.

I find myself in social situations totally lost. I know that may sound funny especially sense I'm a somewhat social person but I am with these people and I just look around and have no idea why I'm there half the time. I feel uncomfortable often but don't show it too often because when someone sees that they get uncomfortable too. I wouldn't want to make that happen. I just compare myself to some people I interact with and just shake my head; or "think" shaking my head lol. Because I often think "wow, I am absolutely nothing like this person (or these people) why am I here?"...But it's true that people baffle me and I understand sometimes that saying anything about it would do nothing but cause some unnecessary conflict..and make no difference. Then if I just let "go" of thinking about that aspect at all I just don't fit in in any way...because I'll talk and it seems as though when I do that in certain settings; people really don't get me at all...or what I'm saying and if they slightly understand they really don't think about it or care too much about it...so instead of bringing them to my level I go to theirs. Because it is easier for them that way and...less frustrating for me. Don't get me wrong; this isn't with everyone; just some people. So I wonder why I bother...because they seem to enjoy the company but...something with that doesn't seem quite right. Very few people seem to spark my interest when it comes to getting to know them after a certain point. Mike does though; he always seems to spark my interest no matter what the topic; frame of mind; emotion; or what have you. There are a few others who also do that but I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't seem to keep that initial interest I have when I meet someone; because I am REALLY interested in people when I meet them; interested in knowing about their lives, their thoughts; anything...then at some point; it's like...hm. that was...interesting while it lasted. Maybe my expectations are too high. Who knows. I feel like a fake in a way though when it comes to this; it's disturbing me. because why AM I there? here? where ever I may be at the time...with whomever...and then I was also thinking that sometimes it's just pointless to make any plans because then it gets to be the time of what you planned and you'd rather be doing something else; because you miss someone, or you're just not comfortable with the situation. Why can't I just go see someone when I miss them and want to see them? What's with all these rules? We make for ourselves. I slept 2.5-3 hours last night. but it was a good dead sleep. I've totally lost my train of thought now. Clark's about to open the lead box. I want a banana. I'm going to stop typing now. wow.