Live

I'm good at surviving.  Like...REALLY good.  What I want to do now is live.  REALLY LIVE.

When its missing then you want it more, it isnt right
Turning, turning out the door and back to this
Leave it like it was before and let me out
Must have been the end of the story

Giving it all, giving it all away
Youre gonna wake up someone
Well, study it all, the wings, the crowd, your face
Youre gonna end up like one

Well, trouble at home, travel the way you say
The road dont like me
Travel away, travel it all away
The roads gonna end on me

Men, they like me cause Im a warrior

Now the strangers have caught on and theyre riding in the backseat
The rivers gonna wash all, yeah, the river it spoke to me
It told me Im small and I swallowed it down
If I make it at all, Ill make you want me

Trouble at home, travel the way you say
The road dont like me
Travel it all, travel it all away
The roads gonna get on me

And Im small
The roads gonna get on me
Well, if it gets it at all
The roads gonna end on me, hey, hey, hey

Like a warrior, a warrior
Dance the warrior, the warrior

I think it's a chemical imbalance.  How long does it take to get back to "normal"?  The idea that I will never get there really makes me question the path I'm taking.  A lot of things.  The thoughts that I may always have this THING inside of me that just makes me BAD. That's a feeling.  I feel like I've lost some things and the bad shit is more at the forefront of my mind.  I thought I could brush it off and move on once I accepted my mistake.  I still don't feel right.  Grasping at illusions.  Eluding to self destruction.  I just need to feel something real. 

There are little square beds on stage.

I figured out that basically all we are trying to do is appear normal to the rest of the world.  I'm spinning.  My mind gets off the tracks more than it stays on them.  I thought I was getting used to it then I catch myself staring off.  I lose time.  I come back and forgot everything I was thinking or what I was about to do.  This is bad for productivity.  I need to escape myself because it's fucking CRAZY in here.  I need to reach out and help someone else but I am fearful that I will totally fuck them up too.  I pray and pray and then I start dreaming and then I hear a noise and then I get a cramp or I twitch.  If I keep going my mind will stop.  If I keep up appearances people might stick around.  I could talk about all of it for hours but then others get burnt out.  Then I could sleep.  But they stay tired.

I just called to tell you goodbye since I didn't get to. That's all I wanted to do.

Flailing

I spent most of my life being someone's other.  Other half.  Other option.  Other-significant.  I would make their opinions, tastes, ideas, thoughts, and experiences my own.  I knew what they knew and liked what they liked.  Sometimes it went the other way.  It just depended on who loved more than the other.  Every relationship was a meshing of two beings into one.  An immediate integration of two lives.  Without thought.  Total codependence.  There has been no independence in my life.  Until now.  I am 31 years old and am learning how to be on my own for the first time.  It is astounding how little I knew about myself when it comes to my beliefs and opinions.  I didn't even know how I FELT about certain things.  Like God.  Politics.  Principles.  Even sports.  I liked what he liked.  Whichever he that may be.  Never what she liked, though.  She was beneath me (in my mind).  I find myself flailing at times.  When I feel lonely or bored or confused about what move I should make next.  Grasping at gnats.  I get stuck.  I fear my own happiness and that doesn't make sense.  Because I WANT to be happy.  I just don't believe it.  I don't believe happy is real enough to stick around.  So I flail and that's when I find my mind grinding out sabotage.  The thing I need to be aware of now is to not act on those thoughts.  I want to be hyper-aware of what I say and do before I do or say them.  I need a spiritual connection to heal my soul sickness.  Our minds are all twisted, right?  Just in different ways.  So that's why we help each other.  Because I can tell you if you're thinking crazy and you can do the same for me.  I always wanted to be better I just never knew how before.  I don't want my instinct to be to warn people against me.  I want it to be only to help others.

In it.

I'm not in it today.  I'm way back in the back of my own brain.  My ears are warm and I have a soft and calm feeling inside of my gut.  Don't take that away from me.  I'm way far away.  The id of my disease.  There are times I look back and find I would find comfort in my misery.  Perfectly content in my self-bound chains and whips.  I feel that creeping up my spine.  I look in the mirror, cock my head to one side, and look deep into my own eyes.  (There you are)- a cackle.  Always prone towards detached or when I'm in...I'm in all of the way.  Knowing the way that's set before me--- yet I float up so lightly, with ease.  That is not where I'm suppose to be.  Throw me a weight or fly above me and push me back down.  I need my feet planted.  There's nothing to hold on to and I'm too far away.  The path is floating below and soon the trees will hide it from view, entirely.  Lasso the anchor around my waist.  Who the fuck has the lasso?

As humans we intently, without knowing we do so, think of ourselves as the “center of the universe.”  Narcissism set aside, along with your defenses, you must accept this fact to fully appreciate what I’m about to present to you.

Reflect on your life in this moment as you are now living it.  You want to be happy, do you not?  Why would you just accept your own dissatisfactions as “part of who you are”?  Why would you wait?  What are you waiting for?  Wait… how do we survive if we don’t wait?  If we don’t continue our lives methodically, with financial gain and purpose will we, undeniably, lose?  Self-reflection has taken a strange back seat in our modern, American society.  Dull and unempowering jobs become the center of our routines as we disregard our own true happiness.  Our societal views interpret self-reflection and analysis as a hindrance to the working person’s daily routine.  Many of us have fallen into a script based on what we think we should be doing and how we think we should be living.  Rather than bettering our spirits by truly living; we accept the mundane routines that supply a livable income.  We are getting by like.  We don’t look into ourselves for answers anymore because it is often easier not to.  Do you want to reflect on your life near its end and say to yourself, “I made it.”?  Or do you want to look back and say, “now that was what it’s all about!”?  Do you want to accept the dingy primer on your walls of life?  Or, do you want to paint your walls with a myriad of colors?  As free-willed human-beings, we don’t have to rob ourselves of fulfillment.

The first step, and the most difficult, to putting meaning and joy in your life; is merely the decision to do so.  Excuses are aplenty.  The decision to stop making them is the true sign of character and determination.  I can tell you from experience that the habit of making excuses is the hardest one I’ve attempted to defeat.  For the most part, I can now do things without excuses.  I still catch myself letting them slip off my tongue on occasion.  Once you set the wheels in motion, however, you’re far more likely to be successful in what you’re trying to achieve.

  After you’ve made the decision towards fulfillment you can start examining yourself internally.   The most affective way to begin self-examination, and therefore lead yourself to a purposeful life, is to start from the beginning and work your way to this point.  Psychological techniques, such as the ‘socratic’ method of self-dialogue, can help you determine the patterns of your history and where changes can be made.  For example, my close friend, Gage, has become my therapist.  Not professionally but socially.  And I have become his therapist.  He helps me understand why I have certain types of people in my life and what draws them to me and vis versa.  He helps me see things I wouldn’t normally see for myself.  We help each other in this way just by open dialogue and self-reflecting aloud together.  After two years of this relationship, I have found growth and change within myself.  That can be the simplest, yet most affective step in starting a purposeful and gratifying life.  Have a friend that you can trust with all parts of your life.  It could also be a therapist or a family member. 

It is definitely possible to survive in this life if you take a leap and make a choice. Our fears can control what we do not do a lot more than they control what we actually do.  It’s often what we don’t do that creates this abundant discontent.  We have become engrained with the idea that our protective shields will ensure safety.  Our shields can confine us.  We can slowly and silently fade away by the hand of our own self-protection.  How often do you want to think back, “what if I would have?”  There’s a far greater chance of inner happiness when you change your mindset to something more along the lines of, “what’s the worst that could happen if I try it?”  Think of the worst case scenario for taking control of your own destiny.  It doesn’t work out?  Well, how could that risk possibly not be worth it?  You can be left with the satisfaction of true effort.  Do you believe a person’s life could get worse through attempts of self-fulfillment?

Self examination and questioning your own purpose, along with creating joy throughout your life, is not the same for everyone.  I’m not saying go live life to the fullest everyday.  Jump out of planes.  Create a “bucket list”.  Go crazy as if you’ve only 24 hours left on earth.  President Obama said it best during his speech to the students in Arlingonton; “Every single one of you has something to offer.  And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is.”  Commitment to yourself, commitment to your purpose, is what the human spirit it meant for.  Each of us has the responsibility of making our lives the best we can to the best of our ability.  Consistently reflect and remind yourself of your goals.  Examine the world you create for yourself.  You are the center of your own universe.  Like dominoes, if we each handle our universe with care and consideration the world could fall into a state of peace.

Dizzy

Really just a reflex
really just the soul text
sleeping and awaking
taking and taking

Dizzy from the fucking search I seek the love of
Dizzy from the fucking search I seek the love of

Prison of the rhythm
used to be a habit
now it is the measure
sex the only pleasure

Think you are an angel
put me through the whole hell
speed it up to love time
over like a sex-crime

Dizzy from the fucking search I seek the love of God

I knew it when you told me
you meant it when you said it
I never could believe it
I really should forget it

A promise is a promise
until the time you break it
nothing is forever
when you can forsake it

Dizzy from the fucking search I seek the love of God

It's just a reflex
just the soul text
sleeping and awaking
taking and taking
it's a hunger only skin-deep
another one I can't keep
I dream you are the lost part
blame it on a soft heart

I thought I could trust you
but I don't even want to
what's it even good for?
always out the back door

Empty as a tin can
angry as a jealous man
working with the same plan
doing it all again

Dizzy from the place I spend all day and night
trying to tell myself that I can get it right
turning the world into the middle of my bed
turning the world into the hold inside my

Really just a reflex
really just the soul text
sleeping and awaking
taking and taking

Dizzy from the fucking search I seek the love of God

Tunnel Light

This day is cold, wet, and dreary but this day gives me hope. I have kept myself locked inside for a good while now because of all of the extraneous circumstances. My door is open and the music is playing and it might be hard but I'm here and I'm not scared of them. I'm not afraid of what they think or say....because I know it was all it my head. It was all MY HEAD...I still feel it lurking around inside but it's not stopping me from trying. The fear wasn't here when they arrived either. It's a strange feeling...which is STRANGE because it never should have been to begin with. Being alone with myself outloud and around other people really makes it better. I feel myself slowly rising from the ashes. Slowly, surely. It will be a long time before I will be able to rise for someone other than myself. Expectations will cause me to hide and run for awhile because I know they aren't good for me at this juncture. I know I CANNOT be good in a romantic relationship for a GOOD while. So...what do I do with what I have now? This, I know, is where i need real outside help. Because I don't know how to stop the loop that cycles between words and actions. I should be my words...my actions should be what I say, what I know to be the right thing. Yet they still are not. So that's what I need. Help, advice from an expert. Someone that will guide me in what to do to STOP myself from doing what I know I shouldn't (no...not sex, not at all...not exactly)....After that is done...after I grow from here and figure THAT out; I will then need to know how to be OK with letting someone take care of me when I need to be taken care of (without freaking out) I will need to train myself to be healthy enough to be an equal. It is so hard for people who haven't experienced what I have to understand (except professionals). and my fear is that I will be though of in the same way as I thought of another in the past. That I can handle it...if we're together I can be a rock all the time and handle ALL of it. Not true. It's abuse...it's not right. KNOW...and be selfless. KNOW that I cannot be what you want me to be for a good while. I hope not forever. I make NO promises.

Ride

I feel the motion of the car before I open my eyes

.The air is blue-black, brown-black, black-black.

Smell of gas, oil, animals.

I'm in the trunk.

My wrists and ankles tied.Tape over my mouthit almost covers my nosebut I can breathe barely.I must have been here for hours,everything's stiff and my head throbslike someone's drumming on china.The car stops.He turns off the motor -- but there are no traffic sounds.No people sounds. No wind. What place has no wind?I turn my head towards the soundslike people watch radios when something terrible happens.My palms are sweating. Where am I?The trunk squeaks as he lifts it up and the sun blinds me.He almost looks like a faceless Jesus surrounded by light.He pulls me out of the trunk and bangs my head against the door.I try to cry out, but it comes like a hum.He drags me, half-standing, along a dirt road into a house.I can't see any other houses and it looks like a farm.The screen door bangs behind me and I feel a deep, deep pressure inside.All the rules have changed here.I'm dragged down a hall like a bag and I look for a phone, other doors.Nothing but bare floors and brown boxes in small rooms.He pulls me into the bathroomand I almost crack my head as he pushes me onto the floor.Tilts his head to the side and gazes at meas if I was a pet then walks out.I'm lying there for a long time, trying to get the tape off of me.My eyes are tearing. I don't make a sound.I can't get up and I keep rolling from side to side, trying not to make noise.I've got to get him to talk to me.If I can get this thing off my face I can talk to him.I'll tell him my name.Have you killed other women in here?I'm thinking you've got hundreds of them nailed down,hung on walls, hanging from ceiling fansswinging dead in summer wind.Why did you pick me?If I had stayed to finish at the libraryI would have been there twenty minutes longermaybe I'd have been OK.Would have rushed into the house, books piled up in my arms like a baby,and blurted explanations why I was sorry.So sorry I'm late everyone.Would you have waited for me anyway?Would you have picked another woman?Would I have read about her in the paper and saidoh my god, I was there that night...and called all my friends in a panic.Telling them then how much I loved themas if I'd never have the chance again.I wonder what everyone is doing now. Putting up signs.Showing my picture on the evening news. Calling old friends.Maybe I'm not even considered missing yet.The family will fall apart and my parents will go crazy. Slowly.My brother will be so quiet at the funeral and insist the casket be closed.(I never even told anyone what kind of funeral I wanted when I died.)Maybe years from now they'll find my skeletonon the floor here and they'll have to use dental records to identify me.My family will say \"At least we know now.We always hoped she was alive somewhere.We just hope she's in peace.\"When I sleep my dreams are crazy -- I'm flying over fields.I don't think I sleep for more than twenty minutes and when I wake up,it feels like I'm under a heavy blanket. I'm still here.As I wake up I hear a dog barking in the distanceand I think I'm in my parents' house in South Carolina.When I open my eyes, there's a shotgun pressed between them.I'll never get married.I'll never have kids.I'll never go to Europe.I'll never learn to play piano.I'll never write a book.The last thing I hear is a click