Flailing

I spent most of my life being someone's other.  Other half.  Other option.  Other-significant.  I would make their opinions, tastes, ideas, thoughts, and experiences my own.  I knew what they knew and liked what they liked.  Sometimes it went the other way.  It just depended on who loved more than the other.  Every relationship was a meshing of two beings into one.  An immediate integration of two lives.  Without thought.  Total codependence.  There has been no independence in my life.  Until now.  I am 31 years old and am learning how to be on my own for the first time.  It is astounding how little I knew about myself when it comes to my beliefs and opinions.  I didn't even know how I FELT about certain things.  Like God.  Politics.  Principles.  Even sports.  I liked what he liked.  Whichever he that may be.  Never what she liked, though.  She was beneath me (in my mind).  I find myself flailing at times.  When I feel lonely or bored or confused about what move I should make next.  Grasping at gnats.  I get stuck.  I fear my own happiness and that doesn't make sense.  Because I WANT to be happy.  I just don't believe it.  I don't believe happy is real enough to stick around.  So I flail and that's when I find my mind grinding out sabotage.  The thing I need to be aware of now is to not act on those thoughts.  I want to be hyper-aware of what I say and do before I do or say them.  I need a spiritual connection to heal my soul sickness.  Our minds are all twisted, right?  Just in different ways.  So that's why we help each other.  Because I can tell you if you're thinking crazy and you can do the same for me.  I always wanted to be better I just never knew how before.  I don't want my instinct to be to warn people against me.  I want it to be only to help others.