I am so incredibly tired.  My job really wears me out sometimes.  When I'm sitting there though; next to Jennie; doing whatever...I just think WHY does it bother me so much?  It's not HARD...It's easy, it's not very stressful.  It's just GRAY and bland and has nothing to do with anything I really am.  Yet I sit there for 8 hours.  Like a drone.  Like a robot.  Being "not there" just because I don't want to be I guess.  Mike is right.  I need to get out of there but I don't want to just go somewhere else; I want to go somewhere where I can be happy.  I'm worried that I am not qualified enough for things.  I have met good people at Wells Fargo though and I AM thankful for the job in ways.  I just need to be happy; with my job, with my hours.  I don't want to be exhausted or fatigued or anything.  I get so stressed and it just makes me want to sleep all the time which SUCKS because I hate laziness and immobility.  It drives me nuts.  and it feels like the time I have outside of work is limited because before work I'm so tired...After work I have energy but it's anxious energy...And there's no REAL place to go but home I guess...Where I can be me and happy doing numerous things...But then I stay up LATE doing those things so I CAN do them...So I am tired during the day.  I was getting excited after thinking about things Mike was saying about Kicking ass and such; LOL; but I was so NOT THERE at work that I couldn't be INTO it...I couldn't just kick ass right there because I was drained.  But I was excited inside still because I DO have hope and faith and just...Good feelings about all the things I can do.  I just need the time and energy to focus and think.  If I can't afford to keep my apartment I will feel somehow defeated.  Though I have places to go...I have all these fears of living with people...Even someone I love.  Little fears, big fears, and maybe they're silly but they're still real.  I have the strong desire to be in the West somewhere...Because I really like it.  Also because it would feel fresh and FULL of opportunities in all different ways.  But the money thing snags me SO often.  It causes anxiety and frustration in me and I try to talk myself out of it and it works sometimes but other times not so much.  But I do know that I feel the creative juices inside of me evaporate when I am inside that facility I work in...  Lately they just seem to turn bland and fade...But I don't want that because I am used to having an abundance of the colors and beauty of things we can do with our minds our hands and hearts...I DON'T want to lose that joy and love...It's inborn and you can kill these things.  You can leave them for too long and they get rusty or brittle...I don't want to leave them EVER.
I want MORE of them ALL the time.  All the time.
and I want to meet people and be able to share things and learn and also teach what I KNOW but there is SO much to learn...My mind is starving for all of it.  I want to know as much as I possibly can and use it for numerous GOOD things..
anyway.
I feel good now.
I'm glad.