Ah.  I have to go back to the doctor in the morning.  That sucks.  I hate going there.  I have to get another test and was JUST THERE last friday.  If they give me bad news I'm going to smack them.  Because now both sides hurt and my upper left side is hurting too.  I cannot twist or anything.  I was going to go out with some people from work tonight but I didn't.  I would absolutely LOVE to not have ANY problems physically for a LONG time.  I mean I can totally deal but...I don't WANT TO DEAL...I want to LIVE.  A lot.  I'm going to apply for this new Irish Pub management position at Jordan Creek Town Center.  Saw pictures of that place it's FREAKING HUGE!  It's going to get SO much business.  I really want that job.  I need to get on dat shit.  THere are other restaurants opening there.  There state of the art theatres are going to kick ass.  We're talking stadium seating and rocking twin or single LOVE SEATS..mmm....comfy.  And cuddly.  The stores in the mall are really nice too...which I have to remember to avoid entirely for a LONG time ;)
I've been painting.  I'm stuck on a particular part of this three piece painting I'm working on.  It has to be perfect.  Especially since it's going to be a gift to someone I love like SOOOOO MUCH.  Bet you can't guess who ;)
 
I'm sleepy yet wired.  I read all of my old blog last night and it made me sick to my stomach in lots of places because I remember exact feelings...except I didn't just REMEMBER I fell back INTO them while reading them and it made me sad in a lot of places.  I never want people I love to hurt so much.  That really sucks.  It makes all other parties involved hurt just as much I think.  At least me.  I mean people talk about understanding and empathy.  I really have empathy REAL empathy and always HAVE.  I think that's why it was so easy for me to fall into escapism at times because it was the only way I knew to not worry or think.  There are things I'm understanding about my past that seem to have taken a long time of being AWAY from it to actually GET.  I STARVE to just feed my brain, my body, my heart, my soul with GOODNESS...it's ready...ALL of it.  If you have something inside that you KNOW is real.  If you have something that can be tapped into and you get to the point of being strong enough entirely and READY AND WILLING to USE that!  Well SHIT when you get there...when I get there there is so much power to create and improve and just build goodness...I can't explain it all right now because it's clustered...but...  And when you have that inside and there are others around you with that inside and you feel it INSIDE of them too...your SELVES sense it within each other as well as your OWN self...it starts a ping pong effect...it builds...it grows stronger...like a mountain or...unstoppable machine...soul...I don't know the right words.  But it's good.  and finding that and even just KNOWING that it's possessed is incredible.  But being able to DO something with it is a miracle...and i see the possibilities.  I'm not being clear here.  But it's like a fountain of hope because when you're a singular being possessing something inside you feel is important it's only YOU understanding that or FEELING THAT...and when you see it in someone else it is a connection that confirms things...then you KNOW it's not just in your head.  Then you know it's real.  I wonder if I sound wacked when I say this.  I don't care though.  It's not meglomanical...or narcasistic.  It's feeling something and wanting to use it for SO MUCH but not using it for your own selfish reasons; using it to make the world better...to make things shown to really KICK ASS.  Okay; but the thing is being WHOLE and entirely ready to do something with it in ALL aspects of yourself.  It grows off of you from there.  When there is another human possessing these things it grows off of them both together...It's like...if they could all come together...it would be some major world changing humanity transposing all encompassing revolution.  I don't know.  I could say it's a pipe dream but aren't those only dreams you know could never be?  Things such as this are pieces of reality.  It CAN happen.  It's not fantasy here.  It's REAL.  And I'm not high.  I'm being serious.  Anyway.  Mike makes me feel these things even more so...  I'm so thankful to just KNOW he exists.  He's awesome.  He makes me believe in so many things...or more like he feeds my beliefs and helps them grow...helps ME grow.  I'm going to go to bed now; that was exhausting but exciting and possibly made very little sense.  That's alright ;)
GOODNIGHT