I looked back farther into the beginning of my blog (this blog) to set certain time-frames right in my mind. Looks like it started sooner than I remember but I still don't remember. I remember some parts. But not the connections and the flow of things throughout time. I don't know why it really matters, maybe because I hear people speak in terms of length and make connections with themselves that way. I know what I tell myself in my head about life and myself and and so forth. I remember one time that seemed ages ago and maybe it was...I really can't remember I don't have a clue...You came and saw me at my rawest form of vulnerability and weakness and let me know it wasn't good, I wasn't happy...you told me. Why is time so askew in my mind? I want to know, I want to fix it. All the tragedy and dances with disconnection lately pulled it all out of me full force and I became the ugliness I hate about the world. It didn't take over, it didn't consume me or any such thing...but it momentarily influenced all of my humanity. Then it took nothing but a warm dream and goodnight to fix it. Yet I feared it never going away. Vague. duh. So I basically broke down entirely for the first time in I don't know how long...a long long long time. i do know that. I think the last time i had such a panic attack was when I was with Micah but he was there to help me. this time I was alone in my bathroom and no one was around, I had no way to get anyone there either so I had to let it pass and it was ridiculous, the way I couldn't stop. I'm sure if anyone had seen me in such a state they'd have called the ambulance but I'm glad no one saw because I didn't need that and no one needs to see such things in me anyway. Total light-headed, mush-brain followed then I went back to work. was happy at work, then anger hit again. It goes: Pain (hurt, sadness, depression etc.), Anger, Lethargy or exhaustion, depression, sleep, then content. but the cycle was so rapid, hourly even. I think it's over. The funeral was today and my mom sang but I didn't play the piano, I didn't practice and I was way too nervous but my mom's voice was lovely and I laid on the couch all day afterwards. maybe that's all I needed to get past. Just this day. I hope your mom is doing better too, i think about her all throughout the day and pray and worry. i know it'll be okay though. i feel like...a lot of things are to get better soon; an dI'm glad i feel that way because usually I'm right about the feelings i sense coming on. cuz I'm like psychic and shit. yeah. goodnight kitty cats.