I have a lot to say but i'm really tired...dreams, thoughts, ideas, weirdness...lots going on. but i'm too tired to explain that. i guess i'm just drifting and thinking and right now it's about doubt. because I've been doubting myself lately and certain things. Questioning whether or not I can accept, get past, or deal with certain things... things i think, now that I look back...i just thought would change or go away. then I forgot to remember, you should not expect change. I doubt myself and things I can handle right now... because of who I am and what I feel. because of feelings I cannot control. very vague now, because I also doubt my ability to EVER actually have the ability to come out and state certain things I cannot handle or things I "hate". because I cannot deal with that feeling of discomfort either. SO basically I suck? that's how I feel right now. but I cannot control certain feelings i have. I'm so vague right now, this is probably pointless, but the feeling boils. and the problem with women is we don't just forget something and get over it if it comes to surface again... we feel just as intensely that negativity towards whatever it may be that we initially felt. At least most women. So i just ask others what they'd do and they don't know cuz they don't really feel like I do about some things. So I get stuck and just think about reaccurances in the future tense...and how I will feel...and whether or not I could take some things after awhile. whether or not they will create bitterness or resentment towards anyone because of the festering...because of the lack of ability to speak it. Truth? Truth. What is really real I wonder? sometimes I wonder. I've been in a blackness today like I imagine the deepest parts of the ocean being. drowning in ways. i run away, or i run towards something...but does it matter where I go today? because I am not inside myself. or maybe just clear back in the back of me.... I'm not sure. I'm drifting...eyelids dropping and jerking back up. i'm noisy. it's something i got from my mother, curious. wondering whats hidden inside people. no matter how open or real. i still want to get to the parts they'd rather not anyone see...even themselves. do i get to myself that way? sometimes. but i don't get invasive to a point of trespassing into a person's locked property, in whatever sense of the word. just enough to look more closely at things free for me to see. those things may not be considered, remembered, or thought of by the person unless they realize so after they see i see. but they take responsibility then, because they welcomed me there. this probably is nonsense to everyone. because I'm sleep dep, retarded and dead tired. anyway, good night, i might clear up later.