it set me off.
yes
yes it set me off.
it all started when I stopped.

For what are now MONTHS of keeping constant.
keeping away.
keep going.

Now it's 6:48 A.M. and I kept going...until...

wait before I start with this i will rewind to somewhere i can't really time-stamp or describe due to the way my clock works and the way it "works" in my mind...

the only way I can just explain in raw truth of what is what and who i've been discovering as me through trials of life and love in very specific circumstances; is through a somewhat drawn out yet direct and undefined attempt of journal entry, free to view by all who choose to.

a riddle not because I want to hide it or mask it, but because I want to be totally real with it, and in the way I will start to state is the closest i could possibly get to show exactly to who ever reads the pattern, process, and reflex in which I have worked through such a time that was actually an end of a change and the beginnings of both more ends and more try agains...

and I found some answers in myself just through analysing how i write.
It was not to appear in any way to be something else, or to act or play off being other than myself. It wasn't to be so vague so no responsibility had to really be claimed. Or to be too cryptic to not really be seen. It was how i said what I knew, and the gray or unknown in all of it was the same gray and unknown i held inside...i shouldn't speak in past tense as though I've changed so much...it's just that it's all...past anyway really. I know that it's true though...it did stem from fear of being seen and my own initial desires and intrigue way back when...way way back...so yes, again we can say...it was all my own doing, but being the person i was, such acts of self reservation and with holding were what i knew, all i knew...way back in the first story back in time...years...before this one told (not just one really, these stories were entertwined before they even began)as both end and begin i'll start with an end...

don't know what this is
WHAT IS THIS?

Dreamt with you time and again. I remember all the dreams all the time. temple to temple, four eyes darting across the dark ceiling. Dreaming before sleep like dreamers do.

(everything else is gone gone gone... it's whatever we make it now. we can make what we dream.
we can smile and think about us and everything to begin... real anew. real life. real good. together.)

Pain of past and trials anew just resting outside our world like they are imagined at best. clouded by...LOVE. by the 2 artists capable of such feats. content. I take it away like this for you so you can dream with me.


Time span of less than a month spreads and fills my memory like a month was ages and it's so profound. Because remembering some event and telling the story beginning with "a long time ago...months and months" and being corrected that months were simply weeks; leaves me lost a bit. a lot. just weeks? oh...yeah...
so what starts and what ends? and where? and when? why? how? in what order? what lives on and what is dead and lost? how do I find out which wires to trace to find the connection? when will i be okay?

Flashed back to the moment I found myself already in the huge, muddy hole in the ground. Eyelids ripped off and I was momentarily blinded by lights and reality. I called to you for help. you first, before anyone else...and not anyone the rest would have guessed...not anyone I was suppose to call on first... you... (still no clue) because there you were in just minutes, regardless, without question or expectation, self less; with a still BLEEDING heart. Traces of fresh scars all over your face, inflicted by the very person you rushed to save. Fearless. Disregarding all of anything else; just to try and help some how. You tried and although that battle was a loss, it paved a light onto a treaded path with so much clarity my life was now before an avalanche.

Should have been you number 1 you number 1, 2, 3? Fear and darkness and complicated silence set YOU off...into you. off of me. you. you. you. why not you? you cried why to a me that was only my face and my worn out limbs...and just the rest of those parts you saw of me when you weren't looking for me. just looked AT me to resolve you. SOLVE you.heart.mind. allieviate some fear. I watch you act out the answers to your own questions as you walk away with your answers (unanswered) your mind already told you what you decided you knew. so, unarmed and defeated without even a fight, i stumbled away in my fog...knowing i was being something not quite right but not able to be anything else, stuck back inside myself while amid such a mess to pick up...

Through the smog and fresh rubble your arms rushed to comfort, knowing effort may gain nothing...with ear peircing and blinding warnings the entire way, telling you to turn around, don't look back. I found instant relief and a heart opened generously to be taken if I would just hold out my cold, shaking hands. Formally this very heart had been teetering and torn on the edge of total destruction, yet it showed no signs. In all of the dark and under all of the self made mud slides, there I sat. Though it would have been deservingly alone; there came you, intentionally sliding down the hole, hitting rock and branch and landing on both feet. I look up. and out comes that heart of yours. the heart just nearly treaded on and left for dead. Handing it to me with forgiveness, recognizing the very person who had inflicted the unbearable pain as the same you were willing to give it right back to. In disbelief I grasped your arms for support and stood up. you took ahold of me. I leaned into you and together, thanks to your strength...we climbed to the surface.

Unaware. No idea, never knew I know I know had no clue. Walked away so not to see something reflecting back. Always teaching time and again ways and whys. Kept growing, kept showing, saw kindness and heart and good so...no clue...even the ones i gave. because i wouldn't give them all at first and never shook the lock..

yes yes; no clue of parts of me but what you don't know really; what i speak of is the no clue of your own parts...you thought you really knew you? or...maybe i'm wrong but there i went and went again because it was so true. all worth it all. so much certainty. so much filling. Even if i'm not all there I can fill the mystery (that held what i couldn't show you) with what you need and what's better anyway, for me. i knew it would all help you...lips tied then Mold into the perfect fit made of the base that was true (me simple) and build the rest with what i'm taught must distort to fit or replicate well enough to become it. Goodbye goodbye the clutter and mistakes and gray and unknown. hello my creation of ignorant interprettation of how to become so much more than what you are. so much better. Lots of parts exchanged. No reason to see the broader edges the path spans out to that I didn't simply glance from side to side to acknowledge...I looked at the footsteps narrowly inprinted ahead, the rest of the road faded from my mind and remembered as unneccessary.

After such natural dissaster of avalanche and distress; I was being lifted without doubt or question from another who could have rightfully turned away in resentment. While letting a decided future retire to a doubtful resignation, with pathetic displays of fight. I, in the same breathe, declared a want for the one left behind...undiscouraged, by my side. No fight inside, no grasp of the really real of what now was what and who was who. And with a solid sandstone of assurance and love, holding TIGHT. Steadfast. All else had been skewed and skattered within me as so much came to mind, surprisingly unseen. like, i baffled myself. like everything baffled me.


Roads all overgrown with weeds or unpaved or too steep. Inside such a scattered mind with such a strung along, tied, and knot-twisted heart...calmness settling from all unexpected storms gave hope for rest and time to seak out solutions. Soon There sprung other setbacks yet again, like all the shit hits all the fans. LIke always, like never before. Because this little bird was still just twitching and limping in circles when the next brick hit. Letting your eyes steal me out of reality, locked to keep YOU safe this time, immobile but aware. (just keep your eyes in mine just stay right here so i know you're okay). it worked that way as I prayed and what would have been an unsalvagable loss...though still affected...was counteracted in time enough to leave the scar to a non-visible smudge. Informed, you frantically needed to know i was okay so I let you know and all the unknowns came back in my ear when we spoke again after such time, ages (in my mind) and your familiar concerned and all-loving voice was there quickly searching me out for hope or...something I didn't know still in a labyrinth of trails and shadows with this one; so much festers here, best stick to the new and not let anything seep back out or in or let anything come creeping at your curious kitty-kat ways...away. bEcause Here is this amazing out pour of endless love and hope driven generosity. Why risk it again and myself again and your life again? Just to explore what these unsettling emotions may be.

Keep safe and unafraid and keep me laughing and unravelling. I Hold in high regard such a devoted heart, which shows me it's okay to be this way. To open up and more and more because it won't become something other than what you envisioned as an idea; you can learn me through and maybe through and through and it might just end up still being what you really loved at first was simply ME. Because it didn't start with lack of who i am. I wasn't afraid to tip your balance off it's board by showing something hard to see. You weren't afraid to just keep loving me.

Keep away and let me just forget and let you fade. I discovered that pain again and understand how it's not such a thing I can handle to even glance at to see a life so impacting and so carefree about it to all eyes who get you like brand new, stranger. Over times and times of learning to prepare for a fall or flee, it became constant and i was then, never unprepared so i could hollow that out and take it more even if i didn't need to anymore, it was part of me now regardless of whether i wanted it or not. Thought it was okay really thought i had it figured out without the rest of the world. Knew myself and I could do it and I remembered how strong the feeling once was so i could try and get that back or...i could give it. but i ruined so much. you helped. i hid though. you hid first. i hid more. walls up. something i had to understand the meaning of after time, after needing to build my own. one off the path period set me down a whole other spiral you couldn't see, when back on the path again time was too far past to fix.

With you and life and keeping close and busy and away throughout and after and begining now... Then gone in long goodbye but okay because it's just a bit. Then fear strikes without warning by warning from the most odd place. Letting you know how so so so...i feel. THat fear i didn't expect because i just became at ease with letting go...and being good with all parts that take part...you rush back so far just to keep me, to keep me sure and i scared the hell out of you by my own fear; so scared you had to leave that night to see me. Unbelievable, you are amazing. I; undeserving. and those last two nights seeped a sinking tummy twinge, fought off sleep so hard...tried to keep you up with me. the worst the day you left...


Its about so much more in all little turns and twists and rises and falls, it's now...now

Fell off Wednesday morning. Left (no alternative I know I know, it's okay) alone.

brakes slammed like a freight train and the long linking cargo burried me.

life.

you love me just the same no?
no.
I don't know.

What is this what IS THIS THING?
so i'm sunken inside and sick and deprived.

but i had to figure out all the things i kept only getting pieces of in my head.
sorting with in mind my distorted head for time and for grasp.

and when i fell it hit like total loss of all hope.

and regaining
is just a good nights sleep away.