Hello blog. Long time no type. I'm pretty sure whoever sad puppy was...was just someone trying to mess with me. that's okay, I'm over it. No, I haven't typed in a while...Basically I believe it's because I feel that so much simultaneously intertwined with so little...has happened in my life lately. I have these maps, layouts and goals precisely and unsubstantially patterned out in my mind. While I was...initially secretive and unwilling to share most of them I have found that lately, each time the future has been brought up I just lay it out. I state exactly what my plans are and reactions vary. Either I get no response. I get " you don't really know what you'll be doing in a few years anyway, plans change" I get, "I'm proud of you for having these plans"...I get the yeah rights and the I'll see it when it happens.
I get a lot of things. Which is probably why I never wanted to share such...long term goals with people. because it's true, you don't really know what's going to happen. I only know what I hope to accomplish and experience. I know that my current life situation may be far from parallel to my outlook and goals but I know also, the steps to get to where I'm going. The problem I face is the surrealism of my daily life opposed to the idea of what I want, or what I see in my future. They seem to not connect or the reality of it seems far fetched. I see gaps, I see cloaked links, unmeasured processes to take every step necessary to make things work correctly. I feel extraneous doubt dampering my mobility. I should never let these things happen. You cannot control anyone or anything outside of yourself and the path lain before you. yet all influence strikes a chord somewhere and it's self esteem, knowledge, and respect that dictates whether or not I take those strikes willfully or brush them off with independence. The thing is, I am aware. My awareness can be as clear as day yet there are other things that falter...Other unseen elements that cause dilemma. Do I know what they are? well as always, I know NOTHING. I will never know a thing and that remains constant. but I believe that Free Will has a lot to do with my struggle and my future. that goes without saying...I KNOW that...but what I mean is...with someone like myself...It's so hard sometimes...to just tread forward, head high, like a warrior...Many many parts of psychology, humanity, spirituality, conditioning, society, health, environment...they all factor in to what makes ME. They all play a part of where I am going. Maybe I take too much into consideration. Maybe the fact that my faith takes hold in most all things I decide more so than anyone whom is part of my life. More than anyone I see...causes a type of distinction and difference that makes it harder to relate or contemplate vocally because of personality and comfort. Not many around me relate or understand how I see the relationship to my actions and my consequences or the reasons I makes certain decisions I do. All parts of my faith developed almost entirely from my own desire to understand and determination to grow. I had little parental guidance in many things. My parents were so adamant on being open and accepting and understanding. So psycho-analytical and detached...that pure love and hope and faith...were lost in parts and I was lost in places as I grew. I am a liberal thinker for many reasons. but my conservative parts, my certain opinions and beliefs were from my OWN self sought knowledge and logic. Yet certain parts of who I am and certain things i come to believe conflict with each other leaving me lost and confused. I am, in whole, curious and inquisitive and ignorant of life. Yet not so that I'm unaware of these things. I understand so much yet so little, it doesn't connect. I find myself understanding all types of people I come in contact with so readily, so clearly...yet understanding myself only partially and with little confidence. I can tell so much about a person by very little willfully given information... I can read people, subconsciously determine how they are, what they're about, issues, trauma, and many other things. I could practically write a book on each person I come across. And my interest in people is great, so no matter how they are, I don't get bored learning of them...there may seem to be underlying narcissism in things i say like that...but I'm not being egotistical or any such thing...it's just a part of me I know to be true and egocentricity is not part of my character really because I will back down quickly if there is someone adamant about arguing a null and void point they wish to make; because I understand that people like that won't listen anyway, so why waste my breathe? I see a lot of people around me seemingly aware...self-centered in that way...full of answers yet completely disregarding the fact that their own life situations proves nothing of what they state...and why would one take advice of another whom seems just and unhappy and lost? that makes NO sense to me. anyway...they whole point of this self reflection, self-journey, search for self and answers of truth and so on and eccetera is only this: I still don't know shit. but I feel a little closer to taking the right steps to moving forward in my own little life, and making of it what I can, with...what I have. damn it's late. tooooooo much rambling. i have no idea if any of this makes sense to anyone...but it feels good to write it out.