My mind is skattered right now, but this is my chance to write as much as I can so I'm going to try to take this chance.

lets start with a kara-like phsycological dissective introduction:

There are different kinds of people in the world (okay Miss States the Obvious). There are those that are constantly moving towards goals, future, plans. their thoughts and actions are set ahead of them and they follow the footprints they lay infront of them as precisely as possible. They make decisions based on how those decisions will affect the things they are working towards. They are calculated and organized.

There are then also types who think nothing of their future and constantly live in the now. they make decisions on things that seem right/good/pleasing at the time. their vision of goals and plans are limited, sometimes no further than the clarity of all they can make out in the very place they are and the very time they are there. These people also may not see any consequence of their actions when they make decisions because they are in the NOW. that, however, can very depending on other aspects of the individual. such as their personality, character traits, consideration, emotional state, intelligence, beliefs, and so on. A person who lives only in the moment can just as well consider consequences of their actions due to awareness of others and of environment and of common sense and menality. It basically depends on how much they truly care of the value and worth of their self as wells as those affected by them.

There are of course, then, those many individuals that fall on all levels in between...because we're all entirely individual, as well as exactly the same. But my personal belief on this is that every single individual on earth adds a part to humanity that was not their before they existed. No matter the good bad or grays in between of each person, we are all a part of the world and in some way entirely equal.


I live my life in a series of moments. I have spent SO MUCH TIME detaching from myself and analysing my flaws or quirks or traits of character. So much time that somewhere along the way I lost a connection to my core..."innerself" if you will. Reasons I started doing this were based on the parts of myself that would drive me nuts that I didn't understand that I felt like I had no control over. Other reasons were because of worry: worry about how I affect people around me, people I love, people I CAN affect. Then there were things like over worry of outward perceptions from others, not even always those I really knew...caring too much about what people think...trying TOO hard to do things 'RIGHT' according to other people's views of "right". Shaking off those silly thoughts (or trying to). but not in a healthy way. because I do have genetic and psychological THINGS that could very probably be of no fault of my own. so shaking off those things would subconciously but directly result in further emotional dettachment to OTHER people, and apparently to myself as well. Becoming submersed in determination to get to a point of self awareness that allowed me to be as clear as humanly possible, combined with equal determination of becoming a better person. strong, wise, kind, giving, spiritual, full of love...and many other 'good' visions. i got to a point where I realized, and this was very recent, that you cannot be so dettached from humanity and things and also be able to make what you want; betterment for yourself, life, and those around you; happen. To clean things up, self improve, life improve, WORLD improve you have to be willing to EMERSE yourself entirely in such things. you cannot dettach because of fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of future, fear of love, fear of death, fear of regret, fear of HURTING OTHERS AROUND YOU. you have to embrace and submerge and intake ALL of these fears FULL on like a warrior, like TRUTH and accept the pain will be there, you will feel it at it's peak and it will hurt and it will make you want to run. So. sometimes people realize things moments too late. did I? I still don't know the answer to that. because I have now come to a point where I feel defeated, i feel as though so much time has been thrown away. i feel as though I have willingly crippled parts of myself leaving me UNABLE to get back on the path i was so hopeful to take. There are so many things that seem to hinder me. I live my life in a series of moments, i do not dwell on the past or consume my thoughts with the future. i likewise, take responsibilty for my actions and am aware of affects my decisions have on myself and those around me. luckily i am a type who truly cares for others. But I want to live in my moments and cherish them like they are irrepricable. because they ARE. but there are things I want to fix so badly, things I want to get over and things i need to make better. and i feel trapped. there are extraneous things, family, lifestyle, emotional trauma and certain betrayals that come up recently that pile onto these problems. but I want to beable to do things the right way. the way i have LEARNED "right" to be. entirely involved in who I really am without dettachment or fear. but those are things I feel like I can't control.
Moments become memories and novels and legends. Jade and trauma and dettachment and lies and deceptive routines and abuse and any number of other awful things are the trials human beings face that become definitions for who you really are in the end. Free will and conciounce.
Love and Life.
I just want to become the good of who I am.