here i am. I feel mentally exhausted. But nothing is really bothering me too badly. I am a bit detached, a bit aware, a bit interested, and bit intrigued, a bit passive, a bit careless, a bit away. But that will all change again. These are little lights or gaps in the day where my entire...self just rests and relaxes and I can let my mind float. All day I have felt, in a way, invincible...like I could handle anything. but at the same time I felt all of the confusion of the bad things happening around me, the things that frustrate me, piss me off...I could express my annoyances, my aggravations, the way I REALLY felt, at the time. At each point in the day I knew exactly how i was feeling...Nothing was confusing or questionable...I understood myself. There were other things; underlying emotions that were a bit uncomfortable but still I UNDERSTOOD them...I just kind of wanted to shout everything that was inside of me outloud. Often I worry that someone will notice them if I just whisper! So it was different today; in that way. I liked it. I spent two hours with "sponsor" today...I'd say a bit intense... she always "advises me" on things that could be beneficial to my daily life, social life, future...which I guess is normal right? but she does it in a way where she doesn't say "I should" do such and such...but gives me ideas and lets me figure it out...I take to heart what she says; I trust her advice. She says some of the things or points of therapy will seem intense..>I told her it already WAS intense...but today I was thinking: is it bad on a person to go through therapy most of their life? It's been about...exactly half of my life since I've been in different therapy....I was thinking I wonder if that's bad because then I will expect to be probed, prodded, examined, analyzed> for all of my life, because it's a sort of...routine that is...Comfortable to stay in; like a crutch. Or is it truly a good thing? I hope it is...The whole point is that I just want to really understand myself and how to be...The way I want to be.
I am way too open right now I think because I'm not worried at all about what anyone things of what I have to say...Being judged. I mean I feel like the number of people in my life has dwindled down to far more than half...of choice...it was a big step for me; a big part of moving forward in life...necessary. I still know it was. There are things i miss. A year ago at this time I was getting drunk JUST about every single night and getting a little crazier than necessary...lol...but I wasn't worried about a lot of things I was just living in the moment. It was pretty unhealthy because a large number of random bad things could have, and on occassion did, happened...I feel better about my SELF now...more independent, more confident in my decisions, more aware of EVERYTHING (infinitely more aware)...I feel more ME..but I also fear more...because I know how things work, I know the likelihood of things going smoothly for me...like my dad always tells me "you always take the difficult way out..." I don't know why. I don't like feeling this sort of bitterness towards my parents either...It's not fair...They were good parents to me throughout my highschool life...tried to be thorough and follow through and do things that should have worked...I just didn't care or believed they loved me...I think things like that just carry on from early childhood...but looking back so much seems like I'm wasting time...but I guess to move forward you have to be aware of your history; yourself.