so I haven't posted in about two weeks; even when I did post last I deleted it. I can't quite remember why though. Work has been the same. I have gone through a strange rollercoaster of wanting to kick total ass with my life and wanting to run and hide from it. Last night the emotional breakdown began and it didn't stop until about 12:45 this afternoon. Then my eyes were swollen and my head was empty and everything was fuzzy. I felt really alone today before work I remember, but that feeling passed. I can't believe how much I freaked when I checked my bank account, I mean yes it's a big deal but on a "normal" day my reaction would have been much less severe. I litterally bawled until my tear ducts were dry. That's just, unnecessary, BUT I DID feel better. drained and tired, but better. I know that it was just from everything piling up at once. My mom emailed me today saying "when you feel like nothing's going right and you can't handle it just chant these words ' my mom REALLY loves me! my mom REALLY loves me!' " it was sweet. She does really love me and has no idea how well I really know her. She likes to think I really need her to take care of me sometimes, because she doesn't so much want to think people know how poorly she really takes care of herself.. I love my mother so it hurts alot. the things I know. and it doesn't go away. so i know i will talk to her. i'm not going to let it go anymore. the outcome i care for is that she's forced in front of a constant mirror; completely naked. (metaphor) so she will take care of herself. because she will feel shame and regret and know now that the one person she loves more than life knows and it's hurting her. if she continues to do things she shouldn't; it will break my heart. but I can help her because I AM her daughter, I know her so well because I understand, and I am like her in ways. I don't believe she sees it as lies, deciet, or self mutilation. I believe she clouds those with denial and daily consistancy of work. she doesn't rest, she will not, she can't stand to sit still. We sat waiting for the movie and she took out her bilfold and organized it. But in ways, this is good, because I can see things NOT to do, how NOT to be and I can see why it really matters. I wouldn't be able to stand hurting someone I care so much about in that way. It would kill me. So there's me. There's my family, there's my love, there's my finances, there are my 'friends', and there is the world. There are a lot of good things in this world. History, art, poetry, and love. Things to learn. Things to see. Nature. When daily bullshit and frustrations can be forgotten, and I can really live. When the core of what is real and what is good can be brought out, I will see it all. I hope I can share what i see. What I learn. What I feel. Who I am. I hope that there will be someone there to experience life with me. because above all else in this world; humanity and people are number one. That's why we're all so frustrating and dissapointing. because we all have that spark. and we all have a potential to be great.