so I was driving to work today and I was thinking about how if I could leave myself and watch me from a distant; observe how I interact; the way I react etc; how I would be more able to understand things I do wrong. There are things I just get aggravated and annoyed about when it comes to myself and things I do. I know I just want to be myself; but it's important to me to also make sure I take those around me into consideration at all times. I don't mean anything more than just; well...paying attention. It's important to me to be myself while knowing I'm not unnecessarily hurting anyone. These things are important (to me). I mean it's so hard for people to look at them selves and think they could possibly be less than perfectly what they see... if that makes sense. People don't like recognizing their own faults but it's something I think makes a big difference in the type of person you are. Then there are those who do recognize and just..don't care. Nothing you can do about them... Patrick's blog was good and I nodded through most of it except for the edible hours of sex part...lol. Totally off the subject..anyway it's also important not to be to quick to point out other's faults and understand that they may not realize at all that they could possibly be hurting you; and if it's IMPORTANT to show them; to do it in a way where they aren't thinking you're just breaking them up into analytical parts and showing them the bad stuff only... that's something White Devil did a lot (Chris) and I would point that out to HIM and it was just a war all the time in between laughter and fun...was always war. But it's something I need to recognize not to do also. I know I"m being choppy tonight because all these things just come to mind and I fall off the subject. Point: Kara still working at her ultimate goal. Anyway..Now I'm thinking about Chris and that was the only chaotic relationship I was ever in but I totally thought the world of him for so long no matter what anyone said because of the connection I thought we had and we would have fun yes and be deep together yes...but the wars were huge; every one of them just total bloody badness...my brain is full and tired so my grammar is going to suck and for that I apologize..but we were in no way (when it came to each other and our battles) looking to be "the bigger person" it was always "Getting back at" better who could totally screw over the other in any way possible...who could win. but then we'd make up of course always; and we'd be "closer than ever" each time. Give me a break. What kind of dumbass was I? A big one. but I was totally in love with him for two years; we dated for 1 year (Age 16-17) and then he was gay. lol. But you can still see; if you happen to catch a look at him anytime, the soullessness in his eyes...that scared me even when we were close at times...but he had so much to say and so much "passion" that I made excuses for him in my head that there was something real there; it had to be. I wanted to believe in him so I did. We talked about getting married all the time. To everyone. What happens to people to make them so fucked up? He's fucked up. Really fucked up. I don't know what was wrong with me that I couldn't see these things. Was it ignorance; naivety? Or was he just really good at being someone else? Maybe all...and going back over and over? That's me being just totally stupid. Fear of the unfamiliar? Fear of loneliness? Maybe...I'm so glad that I can recognize some things now though that I never could before. I was talking to my dad about how unsatisfied I am right now; I know it's up to me to change that right..but I want more; nothing is satisfying me. I want more. Of all of it. I hope that's not selfish...I mean I don't want more STUFF. I want more inspiration, passion, creativity, humanity, love. Is it me? probably; I'm doing something wrong. I get so PHSYCHED about life lately...the disappointed that I'm not where I see myself and all the things I imagine aren't happening right now; I'm so impatient though. In so many ways; except when it comes to other people in growth and things...I wonder if people look at me and say "she's fucked up. really fucked up." that would suck. I'm not that fucked up; I'm not stupid, I'm not careless. I am considerate, and concerned and come to find quite inquisitive; more so everyday...I have morals and respect, and I care, I am empathetic and really try to understand everything I can...everything that I find important. I am at this point pretty much willing to change anything that I feel needs to be changed. Try anything new. (that is not dangerous, immoral, or masochistic) learning about people is so good and fun to me. Learning about everything is pretty interesting but mostly people but I don't want to be like my dad and detach from the emotion of the thing. I want to be right there in it feeling every part no matter how uncomfortable or painful because I think it's worth it and if it really makes a difference than it's AMAZING. Rambling now. Going to stop.