we create these walls, as human beings; when we are going through metamorphosis...when we see people around us as the past and parts we're growing out of...well these walls build up...Efficiently in hand with our psyche and our minds, in hand with our awareness and the paths we see lain ahead...as our cushions from those parts we're so accustom to...the walls our or defense, protection...but what happens is this: because our surroundings are so familiar and our environment so routine; the awareness and necessity of something else...the vision of better things GUIDES US...so that these comfortable environments, these homes we've created and our so accustom to...become less necessary because we know, in parts of ourselves...the most important parts...well basically what I mean is WISDOM comes into play and NOW...Self sufficiently the walls and protection go up AGAINST these norms and these familiarities in order for us to have the strength and necessary detachment to move on from these things. These parts of life embedded subconsciously into our SELVES. My own personal growth and wisdom, the fact that I've paid so much attention to some things and have strived to keep my eyes open and keep moving forward to BETTER days...Brighter paths...Things like that...While still I see certain attachment to my normal social environment I've also become strong.. Day by day and week by week I have slowly set myself father apart from these people and routines and the environment itself...Though I've seen it being noticed to some extent, my "tapering" or ...Gradual neglect if you will...Has made it easier for me and for those who may be affected. Because I'm still open...I state my purpose, thoughts, wants, needs, and ideas openly as I become less and less available to those so eager and attached to my presence alone and the comfort it gives them...Him...You.
you know what I'm talking about, those reading, who are part of it...Part of what i describe...
and you know that it's hard for me to just break away but that i have to; that you'll give me those big sad puppy dog eyes and say "ok" "goodbye" just begging me to feel horrible and stay another day to comfort you. but I also know that the comfort I bring you also makes it too easy for you NOT to move either...and my absence will give you strength to SEE something you remembered from a dream, a conversation we once had, your OWN idea of things...Then that small spark will ignite your own will to live your life/lives for more than just a pesky inconvenience...but for something you have a voice in again. Can you see, all the time, power, ability you have to do something...An actual CREATION of your own ahead of you...Pick up the paintbrush and make your story...Rather than just waiting for the natural colors to flow onto the canvas---that kind of waiting and disregard leaves art lifeless and dull...With a pang of abandonment from a voice that was clear and precise as to why it left...Your momentum to catch up and just try again...Just a little...is worth the goodbye. the goodbyes.
it all sounds so melodramatic and almost narcissistic. Which has always been a virgin to my vocabulary...at least when describing myself...but the reason I see or say these things is only because of how they've been pointed out to me. Staying in certain situations can cause even more immobility within myself and also those around me; enablers enable disabilities to sway their excuses.
There is little in my current situation and routine in life that needs to remain. I have to cut it loose, let it go, and start my life.
This Saturday I had, with a kindred spirit that knows no logic in limitations extraneous daily life and struggle provides. Sees exactly how I see. The world, life, and all its little parts, all it's pretty quirks and frustrating bumps; but the wholeness through and through...From a vantage point we share together...and not because we met there intentionally or with any glimpse of why to go there...but because we were already there, the entire time...Through all of it...Eternally. (not even as mentally corporeal as vivid memories) that place we come to find ourselves, each other, and these truths...Has existed before time created memory. Before minds.
you can't JUST grasp any of it, or all of it...You just accept it...Smile...and keep going.