I'm going to post some pictures from Halloween, a little late I know, but I haven't had the time to do it yet...okay...that's a horrible excuse and when people say it it's never really true, I just haven't done it. So I find that something is obvious in a voice on the other line from the beginning of the call to the end...slowly the voice sharpens and expands into a hint of bitterness and a cup of salt. haven't seen the face for awhile, only links of texts and sparatic conversations...but when awakened to the mi re do of undertones I become aware. i am the link of sour despite in your mind and interaction. i bring the cold, the dull world i place myself in and the people that make up that place...your progress from apathy to hopeful smiles reverses and I remind you of things you do not want and will not tolerate. Conscious. I realize so many things I viewed were skewed in my role in your world. I don't bring light in the shadowed corners of your heart and head; my friendship does not follow it's path of intentions...like hope and warmth and relief/release. Maybe the idea and want, the other factors and indications, the humanity of relations depicted a reality that was only a vision...only a thought. I followed ruthlessly and determined regardless of obsticles and setbacks because my belief was so REAL to me, in whatever context we were in life, in whatever definition...I was right, I was good, I was using overpowering endearment to fuel my positive progress in breaking through. Thinking, possibly even speachlessness and proximity were helpful. A kind of something you fight to show hope and goodness for as well as fight to keep because this is the rarest treasure anyone could find...something perfect to me in ways impossible to describe in any human language, written or verbal or sign...
A kindred, just like parts you didn't have but parts you were looking for.
So certain...brushing off discretion and discouragement each time, no matter how heavy... and then...find the root of what you're fighting, the demons, the scars, the darkness...deep in the reflection of your own eyes. The subconcious familiarity imbedded deep within that cause your own flaws and frustrations and repetitive cycles. A familiarity that outwardly induced a sense of comfort...that consequently developed illusions of these minds.
and then...I sit back and wonder yet again, which is true? what does my friendship do? am I toxic in the end? (the deepest links are the thickest, and the most cloaked...by fault of no one, only time and psychological profiles 7 parts emotional abnormalities...) so left with these thoughts in my silly little head: self defense is no longer the concern...it's the defense of all around me...the fear of being a cause for distress, disorders, dysfunction. the fear of being anti-all that I long to be.