it is here that i feel most certain of who i am and what I want. it is here i am happy and smile without effort. everywhere else i'm a little sad or uncomfortable or 'away'...not everywhere i suppose but a lot of other personal social settings; they seem to fit me less and less and it makes me sad sometimes; i'm glad for the person i'm becoming and the one i'm leaving behind...a lot of people aren't glad because it means different things to them; mostly it stems from selfishness but i'm a pretty damn understanding person so i don't get too upset about those things. An "intruder" appeared at the party the other night over at tony's and caught me off gaurd. looking back i see no other reason for him showing his face other than to confront me...and the confrontation i see as being completely pointless itself. but he said "don't you miss having a little group of friends to turn to? you've become a recluse." his voice was insulting. but the fact is i do have a little group..just different and smaller than when he was in it. and being alone is often more healthy than not when it comes to certain situations. anyway. he had no purpose but to try and tear me down. unfortunately he doesn't see me at all as who i am today. because he doesn't understand me; but also because he's not there to understand; which is how it's suppose to be. I haven't really talked much about that part of the party to anyone because it's not something i find necessary to bring up i guess. so, on a different note; I'm so bad at getting ahold of people or returning calls lately because i think i'm just afraid to get involved with people due to trust. involved as friends; but i do want good people in my life. i'm also afraid of the jealousy factor. jealousy is a good thing to NOT have in my life. I wrote for hours in my personal journal (a real live notebook!) the other night. it's a free, relieving feeling to write without ANY thing in the back of my mind involving anyone else reading in. because regardless of what you say, your online journal cannot be completely free and open; you write here with in mind that others will see what you have to say. Try and deny it all you want; but the whole purpose of blogging is a type of expression...reaching out or saying something you may not be able to say otherwise. so i wrote in my personal joural and it was good. it was all about the past yaer and Mike and our relationship and my other friends and how clear things become when you aren't living in the moment but reflecting and responsibly choosing a path. i really hate the fact that i've hurt some people though; it's hard for me to think about because it makes me sad. but i have to force myself sometimes; just to remind myself...to learn from history. i've loved some people that i can never speak to or see again because i know it's better for THEM that way and i know i can't be to them what they want me to be. i never really was. Trying to be in their lives would be more painful and more of a struggle than anything else. I'm not as fucked up as I used to be. i'm really much better these days; better off; less confused...less distraught. more EXCITED about life; aware, open. Leaving wells fargo is SUCH a relieving thing; there's some type of WEIGHT just gone. even though i haven't starting working yet again and money worries me; i'm so much more at ease. i mean i technically have 2 jobs (cosi cucina's and huhot) but i haven't starting working yet. i'm going to be really poor this month; but it'll be okay i think. so, i like my life so much better here. anyway, i'm out. (dammit this computer doesn't let me spellcheck!)