Finally saw Garden State; it was a pretty good movie; made me cry a couple times so that means it must've been pretty good. Also watched Prozac Nation with Christina Ricci; that was also pretty good if not severely depressing...but it portrayed depression very realistically and accurately. It was just this girls life; hardly a movie at all it seemed...and it was honest; no embellishment; no exaggeration. I could relate to her character in a lot of ways which could be considered unfortunate I suppose. So. I had yesterday and today off and its 3:30 PM and I still am not out of my PJ's. I have so much to do and plan for but I'm totally zombified today. Floating and detached...I want something to spark a reaction inside of me...feeling of some kind; pure laughter, joy, creativity, anger, passion...anything. I want to be excited about something but today...I don't feel anything at all except the dull drone of another day and the ticking clock and MYSELF...back in the far corner inside of me. Somewhere. I know it will pass...it always does...days without sleep then days with nothing BUT sleep then I get back to what I am and remember to stay there...that's the trick...remembering why I have to stay there; because that's when everything makes sense and I Start to get everything back again. I don't want anyone to be effected because of my blogs...to read and then wonder and then question or anything. Because I know how temporary this is...possibly even so aloof that when I publish this post it will be good as gone. I need to shower. There’s mascara smeared all over my face and I've developed a bed head mullet. I dreamt a lot though...all night and then when I went back to sleep at 11 this morning...I dreamt SO much...it was just my life being played out in my subconscious. so maybe it's harder to wake up sometimes when you realize you haven't actually done anything at the peak of waking. Disappointment sets in and you just want to sleep it off again. a friend and I were talking and he was telling me of how he wishes sometimes that he would have just ignored his conscience and done a bunch of drugs and had sex with all sorts of people and just let loose and had fun because it wouldn't matter either way; because no one has to pay consequences for their actions anyway. but I guess I was always an exception to that rule....I’ve always paid. but I get what he means because there are so many people who go through life doing whatever they want and never having to change because they never have to pay for what they do. people don't change unless they have to but I had to. and I did. I always paid. but I’m glad he always had his conscience because he wouldn't be the same person and that would be bad. and I know, like most of us who partied too much in our lives, how certain things never leave you once they've touched your life. no matter how many years and lives you go through without them...you still KNOW them...how they make you feel WHY temptation could be the death of you...why you're never the same. In opposition I would say I wish I never had done so many things because then I would never know what they are; what they do...loss of innocence would have been more gradual and natural and less forced. but then who would I be today. don't like to think about it I guess...because in my mind I would be a far better person than whom I have ever been or could ever be again. it's not worth dwelling though. just a thought. I don't miss anyone who isn't in my life anymore. the fewer people in my life I’ve noticed; the happier I’ve become. there's no bullshit there; it's been weeded out. and that's all that matters for the most part. and maybe it isn't that they were bad for me really; but maybe I was bad for them, maybe bad for each other. I'm thinking about these things because my mom was on the phone right before I got online and she was asking about people. People I tend to avoid thinking about in every way possible. The other night T-bone was at the core of these things, at least emotionally...and he said "These people need to go to another planet of their own; where we don't have to worry about every seeing them again...where they stop getting in my head” it’s hard to understand certain people sometimes and that's how I felt not too long ago when I was just going to move away and start over from scratch. Starting over can be good; you never have to worry about falling into the same patterns you so eagerly wanted out of. but sometimes we just have to figure ourselves out first. This whole time...that's all I've been doing, and it's been easier than I thought but the hardest parts were doing so without verbalizing it openly...while still living out my daily life the best I could without screwing it up...of course there are always glitches that get in the way...nothing is ever easy. but I’m happier now than I’ve been like....ever. I didn't really know it was possible I suppose. but I’m so clear on what I want and what I need to do to be who I want to be. I'm proud of myself for a lot of reasons but I don't take all the credit... some things have no explanation but that they are simply miracles. Remembering that makes it easier to deal with RIGHT NOW...and this day of detachment and melancholy. Because I know...on a sliding scale...it just gets better.