apathy.

that's what I am right now. that's all. I'm at tony's. He's going to go mix me a drink. Sometimes I just get SO SICK of everything. When you don't see anything good...when I DON'T...i become...numb because...that is the only way I know how to deal. This sucks. I'm not going to hide it though and go on acting like I'm fine...like life is okay for everyone. NO one I know is happy...no one I care about. Everything is wrong with everyone. It's stupid fucking bullshit. I feel nothing. Earlier today all I wanted was to make people happy whom were sad and deserving of something better...I still wish I could...but know it's out of my hands. what can I do? nothing. I feel like shit too. This morning nothing was wrong. you burrowed into me like a puppy...it was innocent, sweet and perfect. and the smell of your skin in the morning is embedded in my memory like walking. I love that smell..and the sounds we make when we're waking up. those are my favorite times it seems....my favorite new little things to love. Then we have to go on and routine ourselves for the day...and it's gone as fast as it came. that's what happiness is though. tiny moments you have to hold onto. I want more of them...I want them for others too. Sometimes I think I can take the world and put it on my back and make everything okay. other times I think if the slightest thing happens I will crumble. right now...I just don't care really....I'm just here. and so is everyone else... but we're sad. I see that. right now anyway. I'm not going to delve into self destruction or escapism to "get away" I'm still going to live...and try to make things ok, then good, then great, then amazing...that's what i want so nothing is going to STOP me from trying...over and over and over. The pull right now was just too much and my insides are missing. I get emails from people. phone calls. conversations....about how shitty everything is everywhere. like if the world went away we'd all be okay. I always wanted to take all the pain away from people who shouldn't feel it and keep it inside...it was always my goal. "I don't NEED to be happy...I'm just one person..if I can take it away and keep and there are that many people to be happy and good in the world" what kind of logic is that...those things don't happen. It's my empathetic nature...people don't get the meaning of that word unless they really are empathetic so it seems pointless to go into the minute details of what I feel from people when I am around them. It is also what has always gotten me in trouble with friends. It's easier to not let them know what's inside until you know you can trust them...but you never really know for sure...trust is a risk. one of the greatest risks..when you win it follows with a great reward. I hope. I mean I'm pretty sure it does. My sponsor says I focus too much on other people in my life...but I am always analyzing myself...she's says that's not what she means because that can be unhealthy too. Well who knows, everything seems unhealthy at times...I am like a macrocosm of things that are good for you and things you can't handle...in general. I hope feeling this way doesn't upset anyone...sometimes we feel this way. sometimes we just have to be absent of mind and sit and stare at the funny shapes the paint makes on the walls. if two people are together and they both feel this way at the same time do they disconnect from each other completely or do they empathize and become closer in that moment?
I can't wait to wake up again.