So you've become everything you've hated and dictated against? Is that what I'm hearing/seeing? So you want to say something at random moments...always you want to say something but say nothing...ever. Hate yourself. Your life. Your choices. Your friends. Your heart. Hate everything...about yourself...intentionally? maybe? Aware but inactive? Because what can you do? what what what CAN you do? A lot. You say nothing. But really...it's a lot...it's all on you and that's why you reallocate your responsibilities and actions to other sources and extraneous circumstances. When you knew all along that those are the things that DO NOT MATTER...and what you're ignoring are the things that matter the most.
ON the APPOSING SIDE...
You find it frustrating that you KNOW exactly who why and what you are meant for...you see your purpose clearly but what you DO NOT see is a remedy...a path to get to the solution...You thought (in the beginning) that blantent reason/end result would make it easy. That this kind of clarity meant fast and precise victory..what you did not take into account was...well...people and circumstance of course. If you can't make it clear to them without breaking the rules...if they don't understand; therefore standoff and backstep from you and what you're trying to do...it adds complications and branches off into MORE...puzzles...solutions and contemplation. So it's not so easy...taking it this way...but you know it's the best way so you have GOT to do it in that way...the BEST you can.